Venting

[Guest guest]

Hi Aisha :-)

Well, I am sure glad to hear that, after my last effort LOL. Actually

ALL my efforts are rather wordy, you should hear me in person LOL, I

talk real fast though, so it doesn't sound like I am talking too

much ;-) Get as much out in the shortest possible time, that is my

motto! LOl

> Hi everyone,

>

> You never need to apologise for venting!!!! You never need to

apologise for how long it is either!!!

>

> We don't care if its one line or one book - you write as much as

you need to!

>

> LONG LIVE VENTING!!!

>

> *hugs*

>

> Aisha

>

> *=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*

> Believe that there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

> Believe that you may be that light for someone else.

> - Kobi Yamada

> *=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*

>

> Aisha Elderwyn

> ICQ: #55461955

> MSN Instant Messenger

> AIM: aishaelderwyn

> IRC: DALnet # (angel`isha)

> Email: aisha@e...

> Website: http://www.elderwyn.com/aisha

> Being Sick Support Group:

>

> Medical Resources and Documents:

> http://www.elderwyn.com/medicallinks

[Guest guest]

Thanks, I have been told off before on other lists

for venting or making it to long. I don't understand why, but i never vented

hardly ever. But i'm glad i did yesterday i sure did feel better :-)

Here is a rose for you and everyone @- - - }-

- -

Hugs to you

Tasha

Aisha Elderwyn wrote:

Hi everyone, You never need

to apologise for venting!!!! You never need to apologise for how long it

is either!!! We don't care if its one line or one book - you write

as much as you need to! LONG LIVE VENTING!!! *hugs* Aisha *=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*

Believe that there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

Believe that you may be that light for someone else.

- Kobi Yamada

*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*

Aisha Elderwyn

ICQ: #55461955

MSN Instant Messenger

AIM: aishaelderwyn

IRC: DALnet # (angel`isha)

Email: aisha@...

Website: http://www.elderwyn.com/aisha

Being Sick Support Group:

Medical Resources and Documents:

http://www.elderwyn.com/medicallinks

The Being Sick Community

Visual problems with colors?

Click the link below and select the modify link to your right.

Then select the **Send Plain Text Email** option. This will stop you receiving

emails with colored or enlarged fonts.

Members Lounge:-

Photo Album, memorial page, members profiles, birthdays, locations,

medical resources, counselling via email, and a whole bunch of free things.

http://www.elderwyn.com/members

Message Archives and Digest Attachment Pictures:-

messages/

Chat:-

Scheduled Daily Chats at # on IRC DALnet.

chat.html

Sharing our resources:-

Add a website URL you have found useful.

Personal Complaints or problems:-

Please contact a moderator should you require assistance with anything

technical or if you are upset by another. The email address for the moderators

is <-owneregroups>

Subscription Details:-

1) Individual email - means that every email sent to the list you

receive.

2) Daily Digest - sends you 25 messages in one single email for

you to browse. This is an excellent option if you receive alot of email.

3) Web only/No mail - means that you can pop into eGroups at your

convenience and receive no email.

To modify your subscription settings please visit mygroups

To subscribe or unsubscribe

subscribe/

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Hold on to what is good, even if it's a handful of earth. Hold

on to what you believe, even if it's a tree that stands by itself. Hold

on to what you must do even, if it's a long way from here. Hold on to your

life, even if it's easier to let go." - Pueblo Prayer

[Guest guest]

Ha id be willing to bet on here you will NEVER get yelled at for venting or making it too long. ( long as you vent nicely hehe)

Melinda

Re: ventingThanks, I have been told off before on other lists for venting or making it to long. I don't understand why, but i never vented hardly ever. But i'm glad i did yesterday i sure did feel better :-) Here is a rose for you and everyone @- - - }- - - Hugs to you Tasha Aisha Elderwyn wrote:

Hi everyone, You never need to apologise for venting!!!! You never need to apologise for how long it is either!!! We don't care if its one line or one book - you write as much as you need to! LONG LIVE VENTING!!! *hugs* Aisha *=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=* Believe that there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Believe that you may be that light for someone else. - Kobi Yamada *=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=* Aisha Elderwyn ICQ: #55461955 MSN Instant Messenger AIM: aishaelderwyn IRC: DALnet # (angel`isha) Email: aisha@... Website: http://www.elderwyn.com/aisha Being Sick Support Group: Medical Resources and Documents: http://www.elderwyn.com/medicallinks The Being Sick Community Visual problems with colors? Click the link below and select the modify link to your right. Then select the **Send Plain Text Email** option. This will stop you receiving emails with colored or enlarged fonts. Members Lounge:- Photo Album, memorial page, members profiles, birthdays, locations, medical resources, counselling via email, and a whole bunch of free things. http://www.elderwyn.com/members Message Archives and Digest Attachment Pictures:- messages/ Chat:- Scheduled Daily Chats at # on IRC DALnet. chat.html Sharing our resources:- Add a website URL you have found useful. Personal Complaints or problems:- Please contact a moderator should you require assistance with anything technical or if you are upset by another. The email address for the moderators is <-owneregroups> Subscription Details:- 1) Individual email - means that every email sent to the list you receive. 2) Daily Digest - sends you 25 messages in one single email for you to browse. This is an excellent option if you receive alot of email. 3) Web only/No mail - means that you can pop into eGroups at your convenience and receive no email. To modify your subscription settings please visit mygroups To subscribe or unsubscribe subscribe/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “Hold on to what is good, even if it's a handful of earth. Hold on to what you believe, even if it's a tree that stands by itself. Hold on to what you must do even, if it's a long way from here. Hold on to your life, even if it's easier to let go. " - Pueblo PrayerThe Being Sick CommunityVisual problems with colors?Click the link below and select the modify link to your right. Then select the **Send Plain Text Email** option. This will stop you receiving emails with colored or enlarged fonts. Members Lounge:-Photo Album, memorial page, members profiles, birthdays, locations, medical resources, counselling via email, and a whole bunch of free things.http://www.elderwyn.com/members Message Archives and Digest Attachment Pictures:-messages/Chat:- Scheduled Daily Chats at # on IRC DALnet.chat.htmlSharing our resources:-Add a website URL you have found useful. Personal Complaints or problems:-Please contact a moderator should you require assistance with anything technical or if you are upset by another. The email address for the moderators is <-owneregroups> Subscription Details:-1) Individual email - means that every email sent to the list you receive.2) Daily Digest - sends you 25 messages in one single email for you to browse. This is an excellent option if you receive alot of email.3) Web only/No mail - means that you can pop into eGroups at your convenience and receive no email.To modify your subscription settings please visit mygroupsTo subscribe or unsubscribesubscribe/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~“Hold on to what is good, even if it's a handful of earth. Hold on to what you believe, even if it's a tree that stands by itself. Hold on to what you must do even, if it's a long way from here. Hold on to your life, even if it's easier to let go. " - Pueblo Prayer

[Guest guest]

MICHELLE I hope you soon feel good enough to VENT We are all here for you and

Ill pray that you get some relief and see some better days HUGS COLLEEN

[Guest guest]

So reach out, take our hands, know that we are all here supporting you, and

let all the stress out in a big vent.

Love you lots

*hugs*

Aisha

Hey Aisha, I am taking reaching for you hand....4

[Guest guest]

Thanks Kristy

#4,

It's ok about the venting. I really do understand. I know

that sometimes when I want to vent I'm too tired to do it

too. Please feel better soon and know that you are in my

thoughts.

Take care.

=====

Kristy

>>

[Guest guest]

Ah Colleen, thanks so much for the hugs.

4

MICHELLE I hope you soon feel good enough to VENT We are all here for you

and Ill pray that you get some relief and see some better days HUGS COLLEEN

[Guest guest]

#4,

It's ok about the venting. I really do understand. I know

that sometimes when I want to vent I'm too tired to do it

too. Please feel better soon and know that you are in my

thoughts.

Take care.

=====

Kristy

http://www.geocities.com/HotSprings/Falls/4659/kristyspage.html

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

HI LIsa:

Thanks for sharing about the waxing period that Ian is going through. He

is doing very well to share more about his OCD symptoms with his doc and I

hope that he will get some E & RP to address these symptoms. Please keep us

posted as he titrates up on his Celexa. Hopefully soon you will notice

waning of the OCD symptoms or a good response to Celexa and the arguing and

sleeplessness will decline for Ian. Take care, aloha, Kathy (H)

kathyh@...

[Guest guest]

Oh, , I'll let everyone else speak to the meds, I'll speak to the

venting-- please continue to do so here, it makes me, and I have no doubt

others on the list, feel so much more not alone-- who else could understand

that just-passing mention of but not before he locked me in the garage? So

casual, but I could feel the rage that builds up in me each time something

like that happens, and the sadness over missing some 'normal' parenting

ability, in which you say go to bed to your kids, and they only argue for a

few minutes...

Stay strong, I have a lot of respect for you doing so, and holding your

ground when it would be so much easier to just give in.

Ellen/NY

[Guest guest]

:

Sorry to hear of the ongoing med saga. Haven't we all been there . . .

I'd be interested in knowing if Ian would do better without Adderall. Aiden's

OCD got so out of control on Adderall (tho we didn't know it at the time) that

he ended up hospitalized. As soon as the Adderall was removed and he was

started on a small dose of Risperdal, we got our boy back. (They left him on

Prozac, the SSRI he was taking at the time.) My pdoc is very cautious with

using stimulants, as they can really heighten the anxiety. Aiden has ADHD (and

other alphabet soup), but we manage that at school with a single morning dose of

Ritalin.

Like Kathy H, I too am beholden to Effexor for making MY life a bit more

manageable.

Jule

PS Aiden now takes Celexa, Risperdal and Wellbutrin -- the combo seems to work

pretty well

[Guest guest]

Hi , I don't blame you for feeling frustrated in the midst of all these med adjustments with the holidays thrown in for an extra dose of stress! Our kids could really use a fast-acting SSRI but until or unless that invented there's nothing to do but hang in there. All of us have been through it and can sympathize, especially the fact that a child starting a new SSRI can really slow down the passing of time!! It's just human to want to see quick results.

Some of Ian's behavior you mentioned reminds me of Kel's compulsions to risk punishment and what she describes as be "contrary." I'm never quite sure if these are actual compulsions, or she's just feeling cruddy with the OC and taking it out on those nearest and dearest (and safest.) We see this behavior when her OCD is suddenly worse, and hopefully this will decline in Ian as the Celexa takes hold and his symptom level drops.

I join you in hoping Celexa is the one for him! BTW, Kel has taken Zoloft for over a year now, and it continues to be activating for her. But it was much less activating after we got through the first couple of months.

Hang in there, (((hugs))),

Kathy R in Indiana

----- Original Message -----

From: Conn

O.K. it's been six weeks so, as usual, we're changing Ian's meds again. I think he's finally convinced the pdoc the OCD is a real issue - this last appt. Ian was pretty open about the things that are bothering him (symmetry, odd numbers, recurring music in his head, nightmares, trouble sleeping, etc.) He had just finished titrating down from Prozac and was only on Wellbutrin and Adderall. Since we stopped the Prozac, he has been unable to go to sleep before 4 or 5 in the morning. At first I thought it was just holiday excitement, but this has gone on all through his break. His mood has definitely been worse also. No complete meltdowns but he has been hitting Avery more and he did punch me in the stomach once. The main change has been the endless arguing.

<snip>

We stood firm, didn't yell, and tried not to get sucked into the argument. He finally gave up (but not before he locked me in the garage where I was changing the laundry.) He's been on a half dose of Celexa with his Wellbutrin and Adderall for 4 days. Tomorrow we start cutting down on the Wellbutrin. Boy, I hope this Celexa works! I am so frustrated with med changes! Avery is still zinging around on Zoloft ( has it only been 2 weeks? seems much longer.)

<snip>

[Guest guest]

Hi there, , in Texas,

Hang in there! Its tough when everyone is pulling you in all directions.

The med changes are, to me, the most frustrating part of being a parent! We

used to change tom's meds every 6 weeks or so - and I have the unfinished

bottles to prove it!

How did you handle getting locked in the garage? Did you enjoy the peace

and quiet? ;o) Personally, I would have been angry, but would quickly

overcome that feeling for blissful solitude!!

Take care, enjoy the time the kids are in school....

hugs, wendy, in canada

_________________________________________________________________________

Get Your Private, Free E-mail from MSN Hotmail at http://www.hotmail.com.

[Guest guest]

: Pardon my piggy backing on Jule's response to

you, but my son experienced a heightening of his OCD,

and also a heightening of his ranting and raving

behavior while taking Adderall. Unfortunately, his

AD/HD is so severe that he did need to be on a

stimulant and he experienced terrible mood swings on

both Dexedrine and Ritalin. Adderall was the best of

those three. Things did not get better until this

fall when we tried a combination of Prozac, Concerta

(the new 12 hr. methylphinidate or Ritalin) and a tiny

dose of Buspar, which has really helped with his

anxiety. I wouldn't have believed that he would do so

well on this combination, but he has gone from being

in the Special Ed room full time last year to being in

his classroom full time (with exceptions of testing)

this year! Concerta is a much smoother drug than

Adderall or Ritalin, we have not had any of the

rebound or mood swings that occurred with the shorter

acting stimlants. I do know of some kids that this

has not worked so well for, we got lucky for once!

Hope this helps some.

--- j.monnens@... wrote:

>

>

> :

>

> Sorry to hear of the ongoing med saga. Haven't we

> all been there . . .

>

> I'd be interested in knowing if Ian would do better

> without Adderall. Aiden's

> OCD got so out of control on Adderall (tho we didn't

> know it at the time) that

> he ended up hospitalized. As soon as the Adderall

> was removed and he was

> started on a small dose of Risperdal, we got our boy

> back. (They left him on

> Prozac, the SSRI he was taking at the time.) My

> pdoc is very cautious with

> using stimulants, as they can really heighten the

> anxiety. Aiden has ADHD (and

> other alphabet soup), but we manage that at school

> with a single morning dose of

> Ritalin.

>

> Like Kathy H, I too am beholden to Effexor for

> making MY life a bit more

> manageable.

>

> Jule

>

> PS Aiden now takes Celexa, Risperdal and Wellbutrin

> -- the combo seems to work

> pretty well

>

>

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

> . < this board has been a godsend for me. Even if I don't

> have the energy to post, I still read the messages and it makes a big

> difference! I have come to consider people on this board " friends " and

> they

> are very important to me. >

I couldn't agree with you more, Terry.

Margaret

[Guest guest]

Janet... is one reason board is here... for venting... and you're not

alone when it comes to messy houses... wanna' have a messy house

contest? I win, hands down ... I was dx at 44 and implanted at 48,

never had the pleasure of 'arrest, thank goodness! ... but do get

tired easily... I work inside my home, we have our own building

business and I am the office personel ... I am also the one that

watches the g'kids before and after school and am in charge of

fetching them from CCD classes, cheerleading, tennis

and all other activities taking place before mom or dad get off

work... w/all these activities and normal errands involved in running

the business and a home I get pooped quickly... what has to be done

first is and what can be put off is as well... that's usually means

the house work is being put off 'cause I've yet to find Uncle Sam or

the employees willing to wait for a check and the teachers nor

coaches don't seem to want my g'kids any longer than need be ... I

use to have a plaque that read " come in, sit down, relax, converse...

my house doesn't always look like this, sometimes it's even

worse " ... wish I could find it amongst the clutter 'cause it sure

fits me now ... just remember... a home should only be clean

enough to be healthy, and messy enough to be lived in

JES in NJ

God Bless America

> I am 48 years old and four years post-implant. I had a cardiac

arrest, and am lucky to be (relatively) whole. But I am so tired of

being tired! I work full-time, which I love, and I am paying for my

son to go to college, so I need to work. But my house is always a

mess. It would be a real strain on our budget to get a housekeeper,

and I'm too embarrassed to let anyone see what a mess this house is

in anyway. I don't have friends over to the house--not only is it a

mess, but generally by the time I get off work I'm too tired to be

decent company. I am still having a hard time admitting to myself

that I can not do it all, but I am reaching the point where I know

something is going to have to give.

>

> (Thanks for letting me vent.) janet

[Guest guest]

Janet,

You are not alone. Right now I'm not working because I am still recovering from my 2 week hospital stay, ICD implant and episode of Sudden Cardiac Arrest. Even with not working I am tired all of the time and as for my house....here little piggies....it's a mess and I don't even have the energy or patience to MAKE my kids do it. Can't stand this!!!

in CA

Venting

I am 48 years old and four years post-implant. I had a cardiac arrest, and am lucky to be (relatively) whole. But I am so tired of being tired! I work full-time, which I love, and I am paying for my son to go to college, so I need to work. But my house is always a mess. It would be a real strain on our budget to get a housekeeper, and I'm too embarrassed to let anyone see what a mess this house is in anyway. I don't have friends over to the house--not only is it a mess, but generally by the time I get off work I'm too tired to be decent company. I am still having a hard time admitting to myself that I can not do it all, but I am reaching the point where I know something is going to have to give.

(Thanks for letting me vent.) janetPlease visit the Zapper homepage athttp://www.ZapLife.org

[Guest guest]

Janet .........

> being tired! I work full-time, which I love, and I am paying for my

> son to go to college, so I need to work. But my house is always a

> mess.

>

> I'm also 48 yrs. old, in good health.... at least YOU have an

> excuse! Sniff! I'm just lazy. I prefer my nonworking

> time to be spent as pleasantly as possible.... NOT cleaning and

> scrubbing and all that dreary stuff. Besides, is

> there some reason why my husband (who's home all day), and teen

> daughters (who are able-bodied) cannot help?

> So, our house is a mess, and they grumble that 'it's embarrassing to

> invite anyone over'. I just shrug and tell 'em:

> 'So, either clean it yourselves, or shuddup' <in my best Martha

> voice>

> I figure that i use one of my two days off getting food, cooking

> food, cleaning bird cages/bird floors/bird walls,

> laundry, etc.... I DESERVE the 2nd day just to relax. Don't you?

> Sue

--

" She was not quite what you would call refined.

She was not quite what you would call unrefined.

She was the kind of person that keeps a parrot. "

-- Mark Twain

Rich and Sue Owens

http://www.geocities.com/Yosemite/Meadows/7457/index3.html

http://www.nothnbut.net/~reo77/aurora.html

[Guest guest]

Janet, I understand exactly how you feel. The same for me. I work full time too. And taking care of my house and kids is another whole job. By the time I get home I don't have enough energy to do much of anything. My house is a mess and I rarely cook a whole meal. And I am tired of being tired also. It doesn't help that everybody still expects me to do everything and have energy to spare. LIKE I USED TO!!!!! I have been feeling it more lately. Thanks for venting so I could. If misery likes company... you got it!!

[Guest guest]

Not sure when this was posted as I have been off in my hole for a while with

one of my severe down times. I have had my current icd since 1999 and at

that time my doctor refused to let me go back to work or release me for any

type of full time work. I have been in the insurance business for a numbers

of years and hold and agents license in the state of Ohio.

I was a full time Mom until my youngest (know 26) was 4 years old then I only

worked part time but as soon as I started working I was always tired and the

health problems got even worse. I began in the insurance business almost 14

years ago and have had a wonderful career as a licensed associate agent with

a great pay and lots of commissions. Had my first icd implanted in the

Cleveland Clinic in the early 90's most of you know my tale of woe? I went

back to work and kept on working until the day the found me on the floor.

Luck for me my friend who found me knew what to so and thanks tot he great

community rescue squad and some great doctors they brought me back. I am

still waiting for the rest of my mind to show up and I am not sure who kept

my energy level but I sure miss it. I thought I was tired then but it has

nothing to do with how I am now.

I thought in the beginning it was just all the depression and anxiety and

getting use to the meds but my 83 year old neighbor lady has more energy than

I do. I decided that I needed to go back to work to keep active but again

all my doctors had different ideas they all stated that what I had been

through for the past decade had left it toll on me mentally and well as

physically and I need to take a long well deserved rest. So here I am at 56

collecting $581 per month on SSI and not allowed to drive or operate

machinery and home bound.

I love crafts and thought that I would just get right into them but someone

forgot to tell me about my mind I have trouble remembering the simplest of

things at time. I have forgotten how to do a great deal of things like

thread my serger and do different types of stitches in hand sewing and

counted cross stitch was a breeze and now it is like a jig saw puzzle with

missing parts. I enlisted the help of a shrink and he just sits with his

mouth open when he hears my life story and me medical history and conditions

and says well, honey what do you expect you beat the hell out of your body

give it a rest.

Yet to look in a mirror to me I look healthy and intelligent and I should be

able to do things. My house takes me a week to clean. I have learned to do

a little every day. For a long time I pushed my self beyond limits and

refused to give in to how tired I was.

I feel guilty about the loss of income which my husband reminds me every day

that thanks to me he will never be able to retire now due to my medical bills

and the loss of my income. All the things I had hope to do cost money and

the money isn't there and the circle starts all over again.

On December 6, 2001, God gave me a special message about life as many of you

already know. My very first grandchild came into my life. Jessie Ann gives

all the pain and suffering and agony a new persecutive. I am thankful I have

made it this far. I am thankful to be able to hold her in my arms and smell

the newness of her. I am glad that I can watch her grow. I have learned to

live with less than perfect as she is so perfect. I have learned to ask for

help when I am tired. I seldom get it but I have learned to ask. I have

learned to say that I am sorry that Don won't be able to retire but then how

luck we are that he has a job where retirement is mandatory at a certain age.

I have learned to slow down. As my shrink says I have learned to opt for

quality rather than quaintly.

I make a promise to do one thing new everyday no matter how small. I make a

promise to spend one hour a day sewing even if I never complete the project.

I have learned to make a promise to do one nice thing for me every day. I am

working hard on what I can do rather than what I can't do which for me is a

big change in itself.

I owe every single person on this board my gratitude especially Bill and Turk

and Stacie. I found you wen I was at my worst and you have been with me ever

since.

Thanks Zappers.

Sharon in Ohio

[Guest guest]

hi sharon,,,

nice letter, and god bless you...

how come it is those closest to us that have the hardest time....ive heard

others here talk of how the spouse is non-supportive or uncaring....

ive been single a long time so i cant imagine what it must be like.... when

i got sick my kids kind of disappeared and havent heard from either one in

almost a year now......c'est le vie.......

bob in pa

---

[This E-mail scanned for viruses by IAS, an Archiventure Company]

[Guest guest]

hi jes,,

i think maybe your husband and i are cousins from way back,,,i did the

lymphoma thing in 94-95.

i had the lucky one (if you can call it that) hodgkins......7 months of

chemo and ive been fine ever since.....but im told it was the adriamycin

that contributed big time to my troubles of today.....

what the heck,,,im still alive, right........

and ive changed my mind.....boat goes in next week.....ill crawl up the

ramp on my hands and knees if i have to....

bob in pa

---

[This E-mail scanned for viruses by IAS, an Archiventure Company]

[Guest guest]

hi lisa,,,,

]

thankyou so much for the compliment.....i was just in my bathroom and i

thought of my note of earlier today,,,,

i better do something with it or the animals outside will be coming in to

take over.....

as far as the marriage thing,,,,,ive tried that 3 times.....i dont enough

years left to start over again after going to court.....i just like friends

now......

as the old saying goes....wanted,,,,,one good woman in my community that

owns a boat slip,,,send picture of boat slip.....

oops, wait a minute,,,,a young lady just bought the mobile home next to me

and she has a boat slip.......ive already rented it......

bob in pa..........

---

[This E-mail scanned for viruses by IAS, an Archiventure Company]

[Guest guest]

hi gail,,,,

i should have specifically mentioned that you werent included in that

group....we have talked a number of times and i know how supportive you are

of dave.....

my apologies....

bob in pa

---

[This E-mail scanned for viruses by IAS, an Archiventure Company]

[Guest guest]

Sharon... your letter should be mandatory reading for patients and

spouses alike ... what you say and the way you say it is just

perfect ... all but for the fact that you've been in a hole of

late... sorry 'bout that, hope you've managed to come out of it for

now anyway... but the part about quality, not quanity is perfect...

and I love that you've set daily goals to allow yourself time to do

what you expect of yourself as well as what you enjoy... all should

take a lesson... and as for the spouses not understanding... I had my

heart aliment for 10 yrs before hubby was dx w/A-fib and CHF ... now

guess who's tired all the time :X ... I just listen and sometimes

gently remind him of who's had heart problems for 12 yrs, 10 more

than him ... ('course he did have to go thru that lymphoma battle

12 yrs ago ... that was a year from heck) ... I just pray your hubby

never has to find out through personal experience exactly what it is

that you're going through on a daily basis... God Bless and take

care ... try to avoid those darn holes

JES in NJ

God Bless America

Dreams begin with a simple thought and in time they grow.

> Not sure when this was posted as I have been off in my hole for a

while with

> one of my severe down times. I have had my current icd since 1999

and at

> that time my doctor refused to let me go back to work or release me

for any

> type of full time work. I have been in the insurance business for

a numbers

> of years and hold and agents license in the state of Ohio.

>

> I was a full time Mom until my youngest (know 26) was 4 years old

then I only

> worked part time but as soon as I started working I was always

tired and the

> health problems got even worse. I began in the insurance business

almost 14

> years ago and have had a wonderful career as a licensed associate

agent with

> a great pay and lots of commissions. Had my first icd implanted in

the

> Cleveland Clinic in the early 90's most of you know my tale of

woe? I went

> back to work and kept on working until the day the found me on the

floor.

> Luck for me my friend who found me knew what to so and thanks tot

he great

> community rescue squad and some great doctors they brought me

back. I am

> still waiting for the rest of my mind to show up and I am not sure

who kept

> my energy level but I sure miss it. I thought I was tired then but

it has

> nothing to do with how I am now.

>

> I thought in the beginning it was just all the depression and

anxiety and

> getting use to the meds but my 83 year old neighbor lady has more

energy than

> I do. I decided that I needed to go back to work to keep active

but again

> all my doctors had different ideas they all stated that what I had

been

> through for the past decade had left it toll on me mentally and

well as

> physically and I need to take a long well deserved rest. So here I

am at 56

> collecting $581 per month on SSI and not allowed to drive or

operate

> machinery and home bound.

>

> I love crafts and thought that I would just get right into them but

someone

> forgot to tell me about my mind I have trouble remembering the

simplest of

> things at time. I have forgotten how to do a great deal of things

like

> thread my serger and do different types of stitches in hand sewing

and

> counted cross stitch was a breeze and now it is like a jig saw

puzzle with

> missing parts. I enlisted the help of a shrink and he just sits

with his

> mouth open when he hears my life story and me medical history and

conditions

> and says well, honey what do you expect you beat the hell out of

your body

> give it a rest.

>

> Yet to look in a mirror to me I look healthy and intelligent and I

should be

> able to do things. My house takes me a week to clean. I have

learned to do

> a little every day. For a long time I pushed my self beyond limits

and

> refused to give in to how tired I was.

>

> I feel guilty about the loss of income which my husband reminds me

every day

> that thanks to me he will never be able to retire now due to my

medical bills

> and the loss of my income. All the things I had hope to do cost

money and

> the money isn't there and the circle starts all over again.

>

> On December 6, 2001, God gave me a special message about life as

many of you

> already know. My very first grandchild came into my life. Jessie

Ann gives

> all the pain and suffering and agony a new persecutive. I am

thankful I have

> made it this far. I am thankful to be able to hold her in my arms

and smell

> the newness of her. I am glad that I can watch her grow. I have

learned to

> live with less than perfect as she is so perfect. I have learned

to ask for

> help when I am tired. I seldom get it but I have learned to ask.

I have

> learned to say that I am sorry that Don won't be able to retire but

then how

> luck we are that he has a job where retirement is mandatory at a

certain age.

> I have learned to slow down. As my shrink says I have learned to

opt for

> quality rather than quaintly.

>

> I make a promise to do one thing new everyday no matter how small.

I make a

> promise to spend one hour a day sewing even if I never complete the

project.

> I have learned to make a promise to do one nice thing for me every

day. I am

> working hard on what I can do rather than what I can't do which for

me is a

> big change in itself.

>

> I owe every single person on this board my gratitude especially

Bill and Turk

> and Stacie. I found you wen I was at my worst and you have been

with me ever

> since.

> Thanks Zappers.

>

> Sharon in Ohio