don's thoughts - Gloria

March 9, 2011

Hi Gloria

I wouldnt exactly call what my thinking is about my health - worrying per se.

I am trying to be careful and intensely aware of what happens to my body from here on out.

Here are the 3 phases of my life so far, [or awareness doors I have passed through].

- PHASE 1 - [youth]

I have had people tell me all my life about taking care of myself, but I pretty much ignored them.

Kind of like when a person is young, they cannot precieve death, so they tend to think that they are going to live forever no matter what.

They dont listen if someone says something like 'smoking is bad for your health', because they can climb mountains right now.

Why listen? Im superman.

- PHASE 2 - [young adult]

My first concious preception was my mortality, when I got blown up in that house/fire in 1980 at 29 years old.

Until then I was immortal and blind.

That made me realize that I dont want to stand in front of a moving bus, but did little to make me think about my diet and such things.

It was more of a - look over my shoulder, dont be stupid - type of thing.

- PHASE 3 - [old guy]

Three years ago at 57, when I was DX'd with HCV, I must have snapped or something.

I realized how much damage I have done to my body throughout the years, and my age came to the front of my head too.

I sorta told myself - 'oh shit. What have I done'? LOL :-)

I agree with you that with some stuff, we have no power over to mold our own future.

But with other stuff, I tend to think that we do....as much as possible anyways.

Like living as healthy as we can.

I know that a rock might fall out of the sky any time, and kill me.

But unless that happens, I can love and respect my body and life, as much as possible.

And that is what I am trying to do at this stage of my life.

Its not exactly worrying, or running about blindly with my head cut off.

More like a concious calculation, very logical.

Im a carpenter, so that type of planning, and forethought comes natural to me.

I think of the step by step, looking ahead, as I proceed forwards from here.

I dont want to build the roof before I have walls up, so to speak.

On the other hand, I do worry some I guess, that I need to get on the ball with things like my diet, smoking, exercise, and so forth.

And that maybe Im not doing enough, or doing it good enough.

So I admit, I am pushing myself harder than usual.

And then there is the fear of - 'can I heal'?

I have been going through the book - 'Pathways to Recovery' - with my mental health case manager each week.

It is a 'strengths recovery self-help workbook'.

I am using it to re-discover myself, and improve my thinking.

When I got blown up in 1980, I went into a severe mental depression mode.

When I was DX'd with HCV in 2008, I went into a suicidal mode.

My lady threw me out the door, disabled, and my health was gone too.

I didnt want to live anymore.

I had lost the 'point of living', and almost gave up.

So step by step I have been pulling myself back up, [with professional help], and making improvements in my life.

One of the things I love about this program is the very first statement in the book -

'What lies behind us, and what lies before us, are tiny matters compared to what lies within us'.

This is what I have been watching you and everyone in the group discover too, in your own ways.

Your inner strengths, and who you really are.

The first chapter is about 'realizing and accepting who and where we are'.

The second chapter is about 'gearing up for the journey to improvement'.

Im in chapter three - 'setting ourselves in motion' - or motivation.

Im on the move towards bettering my inner and outer life.

There are 12 chapters.

Gloria, you are one of my mentors.

You and I have talked in depth about how we feel about stuff.

I have listened very closely to your words, and watched you recover from the major blows that have hit you for the last 2 years.

I know that you have listened to me also, as I have tried to encourage you.

I have done this with everyone in the group, with words of love and hope.

It thrills me to no end to watch each of you all, who are active, do the same thing for each other.

This is exactly what this group is all about - helping each other get through our nightmare.

So getting back to me -

I think I am on the right path for myself.

Inside and out, I see my personal life improving.

Its slow, and sometimes hard, but thats ok.

I have the time, and pushing myself is like paddling a boat - Im moving forwards.

This is what each of us is trying to do in our own ways, I think.

Even the folks who dont talk much, because they are listening and thinking.

We are each a little car on the great freeway of life. LOL :-)

love

don in ks

From: Gloria <gadamscan@...>Subject: Re: [ ] Liver Cancer - Gloria Date: Tuesday, March 8, 2011, 8:44 PM

DonWhat you have said here is exactly what I can't allow myself to do! I cannot worry about the tomorrows. What will happen, will happen and there is absolutely no sense worrying about it. There is absolutely nothing you can do about tomorrow!!Look at something that just happened in my life. Beginning Feb 2/10, I had to be concerned about the cancer I did have. It was not a dream or a worry down the road. Nope - right there, right now. The real news about liver cancer is not really nice. So, do I continue to worry or live each day that I can!Anyway, because I was so sick for those years, I knew for a certainty that I would likely die before my husband. Geez, didn't happen that way did it?? Then my baby brother should have been the healthiest in the family.

Instead, we had 18 days between learning about his cancer and the end of his life. He sure didn't have time to get depressed or worry about it, hey??Now, I'm saying this to you, but I need to see what comes from my heart to the keyboard, too. Old timer used to say "worry is like sitting on rocking horse, lots of action; but, you aren't going anywhere".Then, another little thing just came to mine. You mention your wish to keep your liver healthy so often, that I know you worry. But, you are worried about some little pill that keeps the edges smooth and instead, your likely causing as much damage, worrying about all this. Really, truly, when the word comes down (cancer) it's nothing like I might have thought it would be. I knew what had to be done each day.By the way, what was that making it to 70 in a healthy state?? You are not very heathy right now!!! Luv Gloria

March 9, 2011

I truly believe that from the time that each and any of us were diagnosed with the dragon, our lives began to change in ways we could never imagine!! I don't think that I am much like the person that learned how bad the dragon had me, back in 2004. I can only hope that I remain open to learn, each and every day!! The absolute top thing that I never will forget, is to have compassion for others, even if we don't understand sometimes. Every person on this site teaches me something each day. Like when I sit at an AA meeting. Each person that shares is helping me to get a stronger hold on my own

spirituality. Plus, as it's said in AA - you can't keep it unless you give it away. Give back what was so freely given to you.That's what this site does for me!!!Gloria