Christmas letter from Mum*

[Guest guest]

Dear Santa,

I've been a good mother all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my children on

demand, visited the doctor's rooms more than the Doctor, sold 62 boxes of

chocolate bars to raise money for the school.

I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had

to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt, in the

laundry between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the

next 18 years.

Here are my Christmas wishes:

I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (in any colour, except purple, which I

already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the breeze; but are strong

enough to pull my screaming child out of the confectionary aisle in the grocery

store.

I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my

last pregnancy.

If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like fingerprint-resistant

windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't

broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator with a

secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.

On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, " Yes, Mummy " to

boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don't fight, and three

pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.

I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting " Don't eat in the living

room " and " Take your hands off your sister, " because my voice seems to be just

out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog.

If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to

brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating

food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam

container.

If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the

holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare tomato sauce a

vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you

could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as

if they were the bosses of an organised crime family.

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is going off and my son saw my feet under

the laundry door. I think he wants his crayon back.

Have a safe trip and remember to leave your dirty boots by the door when you

come inside.

Help yourself to cookies on the table but don't eat too many, or leave crumbs on

my carpet!

Yours Always,

Mum (AKA Mom)

P.S. One more thing...you can cancel ALL of my requests if you can keep my

children happy, healthy, and always believing in the magic of Christmas.

*Santa has asked that this gets passed on to all the mothers you know