Re: Re: Husband Pushing Me

[Guest guest]

Dear Elaine-  Chronic illness and pain are constant reminders of our mortality.  The normal healthy human psyche sees this as a constant reminder of one's mortality.  This in turn causes denial.  Its a common reaction when a loved one sees you declining over time.  He has feelings of frustration and confusion because he cant fix you and cant control whats happening to you.  I think if you can manage it, have him take you to a support group meeting sponsored by the Arthritis Foundation in your area.  There are chapter offices everywhere.  Go to www.arthritisfoundation.org.  Once he sees the reality of others like you he may finally understand.  You might also need to go to couples therapy with regard to this.  Remember that guilt is a huge factor with us.  We want to be more......do more......have more quality of life, and each year we get weaker, sicker and less capable.  Simply sit down with him and tell him this.  " The only thing I want is to be well enough and strong enough to be the person you want me to be but I cant.  I am overwhelmed with guilt because this illness makes it so hard for me to do what I used to do.  I am doing the best I can, and that has to be good enough for you.  I realize it is hard for you to see me like this.......failing as time goes on.  If I could change things I would.  If I could be more or do more for you, I would.  You will have to unconditionally accept me as I am.  I hate to ask for help, it diminishes me as a person, but I have no choice.  I didnt plan to to be this way.  I didnt choose this for myself.  I know its alot to ask, but I need you to understand, be patient and dont expect anymore than I can give.  I wished it would be health instead of sickness but thats why that clause is in a marriage vow.  If the roles were reversed, I would do the same for you.  Just remember that when I need your help.  I would do the same for you. "

On Wed, Apr 22, 2009 at 5:47 PM, Marika <tobytoby99350@...> wrote:

Dear Elaine

You don`t know how i feel with you, i am sitting here crying.

When i came down with RA, my dear husband was there with me every step,

He was so sensitive, so caring, so loving,

having to cope with Arthritis is bad enough, but having a husband that does not really care,and is not sensitive to your problem it makes it so much harder to cope.

my dear husband passed away of cancer in 2000, and my world is gone,

i miss him day and nights.

I have a little dog, that is keeping me going,

I need an operation on my toes, but i have nobody to drive me to the hospital, and bring me home. What i need the most, would be moral support ( that is also what i always got from my sweet husband )

I wish i would have died bevore him, because he was always so strong

always giving me hope. ( what i also never get from my RA, DR,)

Please be strong sweetheart, hang in there.

Love Marika

[Guest guest]

Hi Marika,

Can you tell us what part of the country you live? Perhaps one of us live in your area and could help you out (e.g., drive you to the hospital).

Jean

From: Marika <tobytoby99350@...>Rheumatoid Arthritis Sent: Wednesday, April 22, 2009 3:47:51 PMSubject: Re: Husband Pushing Me

Dear ElaineYou don`t know how i feel with you, i am sitting here crying.When i came down with RA, my dear husband was there with me every step,He was so sensitive, so caring, so loving,having to cope with Arthritis is bad enough, but having a husband that does not really care,and is not sensitive to your problem it makes it so much harder to cope.my dear husband passed away of cancer in 2000, and my world is gone,i miss him day and nights.I have a little dog, that is keeping me going,I need an operation on my toes, but i have nobody to drive me to the hospital, and bring me home. What i need the most, would be moral support ( that is also what i always got from my sweet husband )I wish i would have died bevore him, because he was always so strong always giving me hope. ( what i also never get from my RA, DR,)Please be strong sweetheart, hang in there.Love

Marika

[Guest guest]

Vert well said!!!!!! Forsythe Curran----- Original Message -----From: "Deborah Bargad" <dbargad@...>"rheumatoid arthritis" <Rheumatoid Arthritis >Sent: Wednesday, April 22, 2009 8:38:20 PM GMT -07:00 US/Canada MountainSubject: Re: Re: Husband Pushing Me

Dear Elaine- Chronic illness and pain are constant reminders of our mortality. The normal healthy human psyche sees this as a constant reminder of one's mortality. This in turn causes denial. Its a common reaction when a loved one sees you declining over time. He has feelings of frustration and confusion because he cant fix you and cant control whats happening to you. I think if you can manage it, have him take you to a support group meeting sponsored by the Arthritis Foundation in your area. There are chapter offices everywhere. Go to www.arthritisfoundation.org. Once he sees the reality of others like you he may finally understand. You might also need to go to couples therapy with regard to this. Remember that guilt is a huge factor with us. We want to be more......do more......have more quality of life, and each year we get weaker, sicker and less capable. Simply sit down with him and tell him this. "The only thing I want is to be well enough and strong enough to be the person you want me to be but I cant. I am overwhelmed with guilt because this illness makes it so hard for me to do what I used to do. I am doing the best I can, and that has to be good enough for you. I realize it is hard for you to see me like this.......failing as time goes on. If I could change things I would. If I could be more or do more for you, I would. You will have to unconditionally accept me as I am. I hate to ask for help, it diminishes me as a person, but I have no choice. I didnt plan to to be this way. I didnt choose this for myself. I know its alot to ask, but I need you to understand, be patient and dont expect anymore than I can give. I wished it would be health instead of sickness but thats why that clause is in a marriage vow. If the roles were reversed, I would do the same for you. Just remember that when I need your help. I would do the same for you."

On Wed, Apr 22, 2009 at 5:47 PM, Marika <tobytoby99350@...> wrote:

Dear ElaineYou don`t know how i feel with you, i am sitting here crying.When i came down with RA, my dear husband was there with me every step,He was so sensitive, so caring, so loving,having to cope with Arthritis is bad enough, but having a husband that does not really care,and is not sensitive to your problem it makes it so much harder to cope.my dear husband passed away of cancer in 2000, and my world is gone,i miss him day and nights.I have a little dog, that is keeping me going,I need an operation on my toes, but i have nobody to drive me to the hospital, and bring me home. What i need the most, would be moral support ( that is also what i always got from my sweet husband )I wish i would have died bevore him, because he was always so strong always giving me hope. ( what i also never get from my RA, DR,)Please be strong sweetheart, hang in there.Love Marika

[Guest guest]

{Dear Elaine- Chronic illness and pain are constant reminders of our mortality. The normal healthy human psyche sees this as a ....} WOW!very true. very well said! gosh deb,

u should be a "counseler "

debi maddox

From: Deborah Bargad <dbargad@...>Rheumatoid Arthritis Sent: Wednesday, April 22, 2009 9:38:20 PMSubject: Re: Re: Husband Pushing Me

Dear Elaine- Chronic illness and pain are constant reminders of our mortality. The normal healthy human psyche sees this as a constant reminder of one's mortality. This in turn causes denial. Its a common reaction when a loved one sees you declining over time. He has feelings of frustration and confusion because he cant fix you and cant control whats happening to you. I think if you can manage it, have him take you to a support group meeting sponsored by the Arthritis Foundation in your area. There are chapter offices everywhere. Go to www.arthritisfounda tion.org. Once he sees the reality of others like you he may finally understand. You might also need to go to couples therapy with regard to this. Remember that guilt is a huge factor with us. We want to be more......do more......have more quality of

life, and each year we get weaker, sicker and less capable. Simply sit down with him and tell him this. "The only thing I want is to be well enough and strong enough to be the person you want me to be but I cant. I am overwhelmed with guilt because this illness makes it so hard for me to do what I used to do. I am doing the best I can, and that has to be good enough for you. I realize it is hard for you to see me like this.......failing as time goes on. If I could change things I would. If I could be more or do more for you, I would. You will have to unconditionally accept me as I am. I hate to ask for help, it diminishes me as a person, but I have no choice. I didnt plan to to be this way. I didnt choose this for myself. I know its alot to ask, but I need you to understand, be patient and dont expect anymore than I can give. I wished it would be health instead of sickness but

thats why that clause is in a marriage vow. If the roles were reversed, I would do the same for you. Just remember that when I need your help. I would do the same for you."

On Wed, Apr 22, 2009 at 5:47 PM, Marika <tobytoby99350> wrote:

Dear ElaineYou don`t know how i feel with you, i am sitting here crying.When i came down with RA, my dear husband was there with me every step,He was so sensitive, so caring, so loving,having to cope with Arthritis is bad enough, but having a husband that does not really care,and is not sensitive to your problem it makes it so much harder to cope.my dear husband passed away of cancer in 2000, and my world is gone,i miss him day and nights.I have a little dog, that is keeping me going,I need an operation on my toes, but i have nobody to drive me to the hospital, and bring me home. What i need the most, would be moral support ( that is also what i always got from my sweet husband )I wish i would have died bevore him, because he was always so strong always giving me hope. ( what i also never get from my RA, DR,)Please be strong sweetheart, hang in there.Love Marika

[Guest guest]

If anyone needs a personal consult with regard to RA whether psychological or physical feel free to email me off list @ DBargad@...On Wed, Apr 22, 2009 at 11:55 PM, Weymer <pjweymer@...> wrote:

Hi Marika,

Can you tell us what part of the country you live?  Perhaps one of us live in your area and could help you out (e.g., drive you to the hospital).

Jean

From: Marika <tobytoby99350@...>Rheumatoid Arthritis

Sent: Wednesday, April 22, 2009 3:47:51 PMSubject: Re: Husband Pushing Me

Dear ElaineYou don`t know how i feel with you, i am sitting here crying.When i came down with RA, my dear husband was there with me every step,He was so sensitive, so caring, so loving,having to cope with Arthritis is bad enough, but having a husband that does not really care,and is not sensitive to your problem it makes it so much harder to cope.

my dear husband passed away of cancer in 2000, and my world is gone,i miss him day and nights.I have a little dog, that is keeping me going,I need an operation on my toes, but i have nobody to drive me to the hospital, and bring me home. What i need the most, would be moral support ( that is also what i always got from my sweet husband )

I wish i would have died bevore him, because he was always so strong always giving me hope. ( what i also never get from my RA, DR,)Please be strong sweetheart, hang in there.Love

Marika