Brokenhearted help

[Guest guest]

Heartbroken? What I Learned About True Healing by Piver

There are basically two kinds of books offering standard advice for working with heartbreak—and neither seems particularly helpful.

The first kind is what I call the “You go, girl!†category. (The great majority of breakup books are aimed at women….) The general idea behind these is something like:You need to forget about him or her. He/she simply couldn’t deal with your overwhelming awesomeness. Go out with your friends, get some cocktails in you, maybe go for a cute new haircut and Move On!!

Actually, this isn’t terrible advice. It might not get at the deep well of real grief that one experiences during a breakup, but still, it can be good to remember that you are an amazing person, to hang out with your friends, and generally pay attention to yourself in a good way.

The second kind is pretty terrible, though. This is the kind of book that says: There is something wrong with you. That is why this happened in the first place. You carry unhealed childhood wounds and/or thought the wrong thoughts and will keep “attracting†the same heartbreak until change. If you can think only the right thoughts, you can avoid ever having your heart broken again.

I think this is harmful advice. It assumes that sadness isn’t supposed to be a part of life. It is. [Pain is a God-given sign something is wrong, we are not in alignment with our essential self. It's a sign we need to stop and pay attention to what is happening at a deeper level. ~Janey] It assumes that you can control love. You can’t. It also assumes that you know what’s best for you. I don’t know about you, but experience has shown me over and over again that what I think will be good or bad for me often turns out to the opposite. Plus the possibilities and wisdom you find in life from looking at it rather than pre-scripting it are so much huger than you can ever imagine.

This one sounds like a bummer, and in a way it is, but in a way, it’s not. There is no relationship that will not end in heartbreak. Whatever you enter into will dissolve—either because someone changes his or her mind about the relationship or, of course, because someone will die. Appreciating the impermanence, difficult as it is, teaches you how to appreciate and honor the preciousness of love. Plus, since it’s inevitable, you can stop bracing yourself with worry and relax….

There has never, ever in the history of humanity (as far as I know) been a single reported case of an unchanging feeling. Feelings are always changing. What is tormenting you now will, someday, simply be a memory. I promise you that.

In fact, you can test this out for yourself. The next time a particularly painful feeling rises, look at a clock, preferably with a second hand. Try to hold on to this feeling exactly as it is, for as long as possible. If you feel it begin to slip away, try to bring it back. See how long you can do this before the feeling is simply replaced by some other thought, like I wonder if dinner is ready or maybe it’s finally time to start that course is neurobiology. Seriously. Was it ten minutes? Two? 61? Whatever it is, you simply can’t feel it forever, even if you try.

“Feel the feelings and drop the story.†[if this doesn't ring-a-bell in your memory or is confusing, read the article. Heartbroken? What I Learned About True Healing - 10 Lessons from a Broken Heart- Beliefnet.com ~Janey]

There is a way to have love in your life everyday, all the time. All the self-help books about love (some of which are incredibly deep and helpful) are nonetheless about how to get love, with the idea that once you get it, you can return it. None of the books (really—none) are about how to give love. That's kind of strange, don’t you think?

The way to always have love in your life is to stop waiting around for someone to give it to you and instead just start giving it. You can always, always give love. Whether it’s by stopping to listen to a disheartened colleague, volunteering at a hospice, or simply taking a few moments to think about those you love and hope they are well, the possibility of giving love is always there. In this way, you can create love wherever you go until you are living within love. There is no need to wait for anything or anyone. BTW—this, giving love, is the secret and infallible formula for healing a broken heart. You return it to love, but from a position of power and generosity. You see that love is always there.