Fred wants to talk about his 'stool'

[Guest guest]

Now come on! You know me by now. Would 'I' talk about something as boring

as a 'stool' one sits on:-)

Nah! I wanna talk about the OTHER type of stool:-)

Well, see, one of the things the specialist told my friend when he we went

about his back, was that a common symptom of spinal damage is, as the

specialist put it, " Bladder disfunction, sexual disfunction and bowel

disfunction " . Naturally, my friend, being as young as he is, CRINGED at

the thought of the middle of those disfunctions.

Me? Well, being the old fart I am, had, unfortunately, to be able to

relate to the latter of those 'disfunctions':-)

Not wishing to put it into too much glorious Technicolor, but at times,

even a stick of dynamite appropriately placed and lit, would shift 'it'.!

So, after months and months of huffing and puffing, Fred, (thanks to his

philanthropic attitude to a fellow LP) finds out WHAT is going on!

So, I just thought I'd share that with you:-)

No, WAIT! I have more! Yes, I know, it sounds like I'm talking BULL**** !

But, I wish to hell I was:-)

I've actually found the perfect laxative! No kidding!

Wanna know what it is?

My computer! HONEST!

Well, to be more precise, the stool (yes, the furniture type) which I sit

on! You could say " Sitting on a stool, helps ones stool "

How?

Well, I found out, quite by accident, that by sitting towards the edge of

the stool, this caused the hollow curve in my lower back, to be curved even

more. Thus, I found, relieving the pressure on the message centre to the

bottom of my problem:-) Hey presto, within say, ten minutes of reading my

e-mails, I was on my way to a glorious 'function'.

So, you could say, talking to you lot, gives me the sh**'s ! Sorry,

couldn't help that:-)

Ah, but the story doesn't finish there:-) No, no.

I also found that the pain killers I use, are quite constipative in

themselves. So, I quit taking any until 'it' had happened.

Next (yep, there's more!). A lovely person who lives in Texas and who

adopted me years ago (along with facilitating the adoption of lots of other

lonely LP children) heard about my plight, and said, " Fred, WATER! Lots

and lots of water! "

Meaning, drink the dam stuff by the GALLON!

I asked her if coffee or tea etc would be a good substitute, because, come

on, who the hell likes plain water? Nope, she said, WATER!

So, the bottom (ugh) line to remedy this 'disfunction' is, as follows:

1. When one rises on a morning, begin the day by downing as much plain

water as one can, before one gags on the dam stuff.

2. DON'T take pain killers till later in the day.

3. Sit on a stool (furniture type! Hell, you'd be in a bit of a mess if

you sat on the other type!) and read your e-mail until reading it,

virtually does give one the 'sh**'s'. Make sure you arch your back as much

as possible during this process.

Believe me, I know I jest, but truly, IT WORKS!

Thank you for reading this load of crap and good luck with your

'disfunctions' !

Fred