LDN, what else... a long note though

[Guest guest]

I have another facet of LDN usage to discuss. I had a brief off-forum exchange with espousebar, but thought I'd bring the subject to the group now, as well.

First I want to make clear that I am not and have never been suicidal... I know that the doctors think that MSers react to the disease with increased levels of depression, but for me mild depression has always been the first symptom of a flare up, not an emotional response TO the flare up. I think it is a physical part of the disease process, not an emotional reaction to the disease. Once the flare up is over I'm back to my obnoxiously even natured self.

That said, I want to share what I think is an exceptionally important change that LDN has made. Prior to taking LDN I was not interested in living a long life. A long life just sounded like a chore and held no appeal. I can't say that I wanted to die, but also can't say that it seemed to matter much if I did. Sure, it seemed like dying would be a shame, but also a great release, too. The end of this endurance race had always seemed to be way out in the future, and that was good, but for the last year or two it looked like the finish line was just going to be too far away, and surviving to the end was just a chore. I enjoyed things that I did, friends, etc. But the thought of not having a long life was actually comforting rather than distressing.

After a while on LDN I realized that my attitude had changed. I still hate having MS, and the future is still a bit scary, but life is now a gift again instead of a chore. Funny, it was my boss that pointed out the change in my attitude. She asked if I was feeling better, commented that for the last year I hadn't been myself but that for the last month or two I was more like the old . Bless her for pointing it out to me! I am so lucky to have a supervisor whom I consider more family than a boss. And she's right; I do feel better.

It isn't a response to the physical changes. I don't feel all that great. This summer the heat has been bothering me more than usual, and the stiffness in the morning is a real bummer. I'm very much aware of MS and what it has done to me, getting reminders all day long from one body part or another. But I have a far better balance emotionally, and I do believe it is the LDN. Are any of you experiencing an improved sense of committment to and a great appreciation for your lives? If this is a widespread response to LDN it is reason enough for our doctors to get off their fannies and prescribe it...