Newly Banded Experiences Only A Bandster Would Understand

[Guest guest]

What I have learned since the hospital experience:

Sliming is gross and will happen to you too. Only then will you

realize you are officially a bandster!

You question why nobody told you about the experience of sliming

before surgery.

I believe in Bounty brand paper towels and I keep them with me at all

times. It required getting a larger purse but the larger 10 pack

rolls are cheaper.

Never burp with *anything* in your little stomach. The results will

be amazingly shocking for the average newbie.

The epoxy on your stomach eventually does come off from surgery.

However, if you look carefully you can see the image of Almater

Hospital in the glue, seriously... check it out in a mirror. You

wonder what they pay for that advertising gimmick.

You question if it can be considered a NSV (Non Scale Victory) when

you can poop pain free for the first time during week #1.

PB'ing *really* means Positively Barfing. Don't let anyone fool you

with that " positive burping " nonsense. There is nothing positive

about it except that it will indeed cause barfing.

When you believe you have finally fully healed from surgery and bend

over to pick up a piece of lint from the floor you suddenly feel a

gut stabbing pain and in the back of your mind you hear Yolanda's

voice telling you to bend from the knees, not to bend over. You

mutter swear words and rub the lint into the floor with the heel of

your shoe in frustration.

Don't have surgery over the holidays. It is a sure fire bet that

more people will invite you to their homes for better food than they

have ever prepared before. It happens to be all your favorites, you

know... everything you can't have.

By week two you think the gas from surgery is finally dissipating and

your Buddha belly is starting to look a little more like what a Mrs.

Buddha belly might look like.

On week three you notice the scale is drastically different but the

inches don't go away for a few more days. You wonder how that works

and start contemplating earth pressure and barometer things that you

don't quite understand but you take guesses and assume that must be

it.

On week four it is cool when your jeans come off without unzipping

them. When it happens unintentionally in public as you are walking,

it is not cool.

Isopure (aka IsooooooPuke)... who needs protein anyway? The entire

concept is overrated.

Health food stores make a great deal of money on bandsters. On week

three you search high and low and finally find two brands of powdered

protein shakes and spend $50 just to get home, try them, and swear

they are made by the freaks that make Isoooopuke.

You go to a 'better' health food store and spend another $50 in

protein shakes, get them home and realize Isoooopuke manufacturers

have a conspiracy against bandsters.

The more the health food store pushes a particular brand the more

likely it is they haven't found any other suckers to buy it up so

they can replace it with something that tastes good.

You go to the grocery store and buy the cheaper stuff, Atkins

Advantage Shakes and you LIKE it!

You suddenly realize you have become quite an expert in Protein

shakes and your cupboard is full of various brands and sizes. They

are made from eggs, whey, milk, soy... They are all gross but you

are still an expert nonetheless.

Before surgery you look at people with a raised eyebrow when they

proudly explain they named their band. During your first sliming

experience you suddenly realize that yours is named, The Evil One.

During an especially unpleasant experience of Positively Barfing (aka

PBing) you question something, if you touch the back of your throat

will you feel your band? A couple of hours later you realize that

isn't possible. Is it?

People will ask you the strangest questions after you are banded.

One person asked me if I can breathe with a band. I told him no. ???

My sister asked me if she can have my band when I die. ???

Another asked if they could see my band. I showed her my scars and

she said, " No, I want to see the band. " ???

Life with a band is certainly entertaining. ;o)