~~ Newsletter 09-11-'08 Forgiveness V: Radical Forgiveness

[Guest guest]

*The Allowance of The Flow*

In Joy

Tappin' Love as the Energy of Creation

And Celebrating Our Oneness in Our Uniqueness

A

newsletter by Dayawanti D'Sa,

Energy

Psychology Practitioner and Applied Kinesiologist

(¨`·.·´¨)

from

`·.¸(¨`·.·´¨) my

(¨`·.·´¨)¸.·´heart

`·.¸.·´ to

yours

Friday August 29th, 2008

08-29-'08Forgiveness V: Radical Forgiveness

Last month, a series of articles and helpful information about forgiveness have be shared in this newsletter. We continue this month on the topic of forgiveness. The fifth in this series is a passage on forgiveness from Colin Tipping on Radical Forgiveness.

Love, Dayu

~~~

Radical Forgiveness

The worksheets and the book Radical Forgiveness by Colin

Tipping are amazing and offer a perspective that can restore peace to minds

that are not at peace.

http://radicalforgiveness.com/

The story below gives a good example. He also has some good

online programs for self-acceptance and self-forgiveness and releasing toxic

secrets.

Love,

Dayu

http://www.radicalforgiveness.com/content/jill.asp

Jill's Story

Click here for

a .pdf download

(if you need a copy of Adobe

Acrobat 5.0, you can download it for free at http://www.adobe.com/products/acrobat/readstep2.html)

As soon as I saw my sister at the Airport, I knew

something was wrong. I could see she was in pain.

Jill had flown from England

to the United States with

my brother , who was stopping in on his way home to Australia. Jill chose to

accompany him so she too could visit my wife, Jo, and I for a couple of

weeks.

As soon as we got into the car to head north to our

home, Jill said, " Colin, Jeff and I might be splitting up. "

This surprised me. I had always thought she and Jeff

were happy in their six-year-old marriage. Both had been married before, but

this relationship had seemed strong.

" What's going on? " I asked.

" Well, it's all quite bizarre, and I

don't really know where to begin, " she replied, " but Jeff

is acting really strange, and I can't stand much more of it.

We've gotten to the point where we can't talk to each other any

more, and it's killing me. He has totally turned away from me and says

that it's all my fault. "

" Tell me about it, " I said.

" Do you remember Jeff's eldest daughter, Lorraine? " Jill

asked. I nodded. " Well, her husband got killed in a car crash about a

year ago. Ever since then, she and Jeff have developed this really weird

relationship. Any time she calls, he fawns over her, calling her

'Love,' and spending hours talking to her in hushed tones.

You'd think they were lovers � not father and daughter. If she

comes to our home, they huddle together in this deep and hushed conversation

that excludes everyone else � especially me. I can hardly stand it. I

feel totally shut out and ignored. "

She went on and on, offering more details of the

strange family dynamic that had developed. Jo and I listened attentively.

We made suggestions as to how she might talk to him about his behavior and

generally struggled to find a way to fix things, as would any concerned

brother and sister-in-law. was supportive too and offered his

perspective on the situation from time to time.

What seemed strange and suspicious to me was the

uncharacteristic nature of Jeff's behavior. The Jeff I knew was

affectionate with his daughters and certainly co-dependent enough to badly

need their approval and love, but I had never seen him behave in the manner

Jill described. I had always known him as caring and affectionate towards

Jill.

The conversation continued all the next day. I began

to get a picture of what might be going on from a Radical Forgiveness

standpoint, but decided not to mention it � at least not right away.

She was too caught up in the drama to hear it and probably too committed to

being the victim in the situation.

However, on the second day, I decided the time was right to try the Radical

Forgiveness approach.

Tentatively, I said, " Jill, Would you be

willing to try looking at this situation differently? "

" What do you mean? " She asked

" Well, " I began. " First of all, let

me say that nothing I am going to say invalidates your story. I believe that

it happened exactly the way you said it happened. But I want to give you a

hint of what might be going on underneath this situation. "

" What do you mean, underneath the

situation, " Jill asked, eyeing me suspiciously.

" Well, it's perfectly natural to think

that everything out there is all there is to reality, " I explained,

" but maybe there's a whole lot more happening beneath that

reality.

" Take your situation. You and Jeff have this

drama going on. That much is clear. But, what if, beneath the drama,

something of a more spiritual nature was happenin�same people and same

events�but a totally different meaning? What if your two souls were

doing the same dance but to a wholly different tune? What if the dance was

about you healing? What if you could see this as an opportunity to heal and

grow? That would be a very different interpretation, would it not? "

Both she and looked at me as if I were now

speaking a foreign language. I decided to back off from the explanation and

to go directly for the experience.

" Looking back over the last three months or so,

Jill, " I went on, " What did you feel mostly when you saw Jeff

behaving so lovingly towards his daughter, Lorraine? "

" Anger mostly, " she said, but continued

thinking about it. " Frustration, " she added � then, after a

long pause, " And sadness. I really feel sad. " Tears welled up in

her eyes. " I feel so alone and unloved, " she said and began

sobbing quietly. " It wouldn't be so bad if I thought he

couldn't show love, but he can and he does � but only with

her! "

She began to sob uncontrollably for the first time

since her arrival. She'd shed a few tears prior to this, but she

hadn't really let herself cry. Now, at last, she was letting go. I was

pleased that Jill had been able to get in touch with her emotions that

quickly.

A full 10 minutes went by before her crying subsided

and I felt she could talk. At that point, I asked, " Jill, can you ever

remember feeling this same way when you were a little girl? " Without

the slightest hesitation, she said, " Yes. " She was not

immediately forthcoming about when, so I asked her to explain. It took her a

while to respond.

" Dad wouldn't love me either! " she

blurted out finally and began to sob again. " I wanted him to love me,

but he wouldn't. I thought he couldn't love anyone! Then along

comes your Lorraine,

Colin. He loved her all right. So why couldn't he love me, God

damnit! " She banged her fist hard on the table as she shouted the words

and dissolved into more uncontrollable tears.

Jill's reference was to my eldest daughter.

Coincidentally, or rather, synchronistically, she and Jeff's eldest

daughter were both called Lorraine.

Crying felt good to Jill. Her tears served as a

powerful release and possibly a turning point for her. A real breakthrough

might not be far away, I thought.

" Tell me about the incident with Lorraine and

Dad, " I said.

" Well, " Jill said, while composing

herself. " I always felt unloved by Dad and really craved his love. He

never held my hand, or sat me on his lap much. I always felt there must be

something wrong with me. When I was older, Mum told me she didn't think

Dad was capable of loving anyone, not even her. At that time, I more or less

made peace with that. I rationalized that if he wasn't really capable of

loving anyone, then it wasn't my fault that he didn't love me. He

was not a bad father. He just couldn't love. I felt sorry for

him. "

She cried some more, taking her time now. " I

remember a particular day at your house. " she continued. Your daughter Lorraine was probably

about four or five years old. Mum and Dad were down, and we all came to your

house. I saw your Lorraine,

take Dad's hand. She said, 'Come on, Grandad. Let me show you the

garden and all my flowers.' He was like putty in her hands. She led him

everywhere and talked and talked and talked, showing him all the flowers. She

enchanted him. I watched them out of the window the whole time. When they

came back in, he put her on his lap and was as playful and joyful as I have

ever seen him.

" I was devastated. 'So, he is able to love

after all,' I thought. If he could love Lorraine, then why not me? " The last

few words came out as a whisper followed by deep long tears of grief and

sadness -- tears held in for all those years.

I figured we had done enough for the time being, and

suggested we make some tea.

Obviously Jeff's behavior was unconsciously

designed to support Jill in healing her unresolved relationship with her

father. If she could see this and recognize the perfection in Jeff's

behavior, she could heal her pain � and Jeff's behavior would

almost certainly stop. However, I wasn't sure how to explain this to

Jill in a way she could understand at this point in time. Luckily, I

didn't have to try. She stumbled on the obvious connection by herself.

Later that day she asked me, " Colin,

don't you think it's odd that Jeff's daughter and your

daughter both have the same name? Do you think there's a

connection? "

I laughed, and replied, " Absolutely. And

that's not the only one. Can you see other similarities between the

situations? "

" Well, " said Jill. " Both of them

were getting what I don't seem to be able to get from the men in my

life. "

" What? " I inquired.

" Love, " she said in a whisper.

" Go on, " I urged gently.

" Your Lorraine

was able to get the love from Dad that I couldn't. And Jeff's

daughter, Lorraine,

gets all the love she wants from her Dad, but at my expense. Oh, my

God! " she exclaimed. She really was beginning to understand now.

" But why? I don't understand why.

It's a bit frightening! What the hell's going on? " she

asked in a panic.

It was time to put the pieces together for her.

" Let me explain to you exactly what happened and how it has effected

your life up until now, " I said.

" As a little girl, you felt abandoned and

unloved by Dad. So you concluded that there must something wrong with you and

that you really were unlovable and not enough. That belief anchored itself

deeply in your subconscious mind and, later, when it came to relationships,

began to run your life.

" As a child, the pain of not getting Dad's

love was more than you could bear, so you stuffed it down. Later, when you

began to realize that your father was not a naturally loving man and probably

couldn't love anyone, you began to feel better about it, so it remained

dormant.

" Then, along comes the bombshell that knocked

you right back to square one. When you saw him loving Lorraine, that triggered your original

belief. You said to yourself, 'My father can love after all, but he

doesn't love me. It is obviously my fault. I am not enough for my

father, and I will never be enough for any man.' From that point on,

you continually created situations in your life to support your belief that

you are not enough. "

" How have I done that? " Jill asked.

" Well, how was your relationship with

Henry? " I responded. She had been married to Henry, the father of her

four children, for 15 years.

" Not bad in many respects, but he was always

looking for opportunities to have sex with other women, and I really hated

that. "

" Exactly. and, you saw him as the villain and

you as the victim in that situation. However, the truth is, you attracted him

into your life precisely because, at some level, you knew he would prove your

belief about not being enough. By being unfaithful, he would support you

being right about yourself. "

" Are you trying to say he was doing me a favor?

I sure as hell don't buy that! " she said.

" Well, he certainly supported your belief,

didn't he? " I replied. " You were so not enough that he

always was on the lookout for other women, for something more. "

" So Henry was reflecting my belief that I would

never be enough - and making me right. Is that it? " she asked.

" Yes, and to the extent that he provided you

with that opportunity, he deserves credit � actually, more than you

realize right now. On the surface, he was just acting out his sexual

addiction, but his soul � working with your soul � chose to use

the addiction for your spiritual growth. Recognizing this fact is what

Radical Forgiveness is all about. "

I then switched back to Jeff. " In the beginning,

Jeff was extremely loving towards you, wasn't he. He really doted on

you, did things for you, communicated with you. On the surface, life seemed

pretty good, right? She nodded.

" Yet this didn't fit with your picture of

yourself � your belief about yourself. But because your soul knows you

must heal that belief, it colludes with Jeff's soul to bring it to your

awareness. On the surface it seems that Jeff begins to act strangely and

totally out of character. He then taunts you by loving another Lorraine; thus acting

out the very same scenario you had with Dad many years ago. He appears to be

persecuting you mercilessly, and you feel totally helpless and victimized.

But the real truth is that he is doing it for you,

not against you. Not that he is doing this consciously, of course. He really

isn't. He is probably more perplexed at his own behavior than are you.

Remember, this is a soul-to-soul transaction. His soul knows about your

original pain and is aware that you will not heal it without going through

the experience again.

" So, once more Jill, you're at a point of

choice. Whether to heal and to grow � or to be right, " I smiled.

" If you make the choice people normally make, you will choose to be the

victim and make Jeff wrong, which, in turn, will allow you to be right. Or,

you can choose to move into forgiveness by recognizing that Jeff is offering

you a wonderful chance to heal. "

Jill still looked a little confused and uncertain.

" Look, " I said reassuringly.

" There's no need to figure it out. Just being willing to

entertain the idea that something else is going on is a giant step forward.

In fact, the willingness to see the situation differently is the key. The

healing occurs the moment you become willing to let in the idea that your

soul has lovingly created this situation for you. If you can really surrender

to the idea that the Universe will handle this for you if you turn it over,

you won't need to do anything at all. The situation and your healing

will both get handled automatically. "

" Wow! " Jill said, and took deep breath.

She relaxed her body for the first time since we had begun talking about the

situation. " I feel as if a weight has been lifted off my

shoulders, " she said.

" That's because your energy has

shifted " I replied. " Imagine how much of your life-force energy

you have had to expend just keeping this whole story alive.

" What do you think would have happened if I had

left Jeff? " Jill asked.

" Your soul would simply have brought in someone

else to help you heal, " I quickly replied.

" But, you didn't leave him, did you? You

came here, instead. You have to understand, this trip was no accident. There

are no such things as accidents in this system. You � or rather your

soul � created this trip, this opportunity to understand the dynamics

of the situation with Jeff. Your soul guided you here. "

" So, what do I do with this now, " asked

Jill. " What do I do when I go home and see Jeff? "

" There really is nothing for you to do, " I

answered. " From this point on, it's a question of how you

perceive the situation. Do you get that you are no longer a victim? Do you

understand that Jeff is no longer a persecutor? Do you see that the situation

was exactly what you needed and wanted? Do you feel how much that man loves

you � at the soul level, I mean? He was willing to do whatever it took

to get you to the point where you could heal.

Jeff is not naturally a cruel man, so it must have

been hard for him. Few men could have done that for you while risking losing

you in the process. Jeff truly is an angel for you. When you really

understand this, you will feel so grateful to him! Plus, you will stop

sending out messages that you are unlovable. You will have the ability to let

in love perhaps for the first time in your life. You will have forgiven Jeff,

because you will be clear that nothing wrong ever took place. It was perfect

in every sense.

" And, I promise you this, " I continued.

" Jeff's soul will already have picked up that you have forgiven

him and healed your misperception about yourself, so his behavior is changing

already. Time is not a factor where energy is concerned. As you change your

energy, his changes too.

Getting back to her question, I said, " I want

you to promise me that you won't do anything at all when you get back.

In particular, do not, under any circumstances, share with him this new way

of looking at the situation. I want you to see how everything will be

different automatically simply as a consequence of you changing your

perception.

" You will feel changed as well, " I added.

" You will find yourself feeling more peaceful, more centered and more

relaxed. You will have a knowingness that will seem strange to Jeff for a

while. It will take time for your relationship with him to adjust, and it may

still be difficult for a while, but this issue will resolve now, " I

concluded with conviction.

The day she left, Jill obviously was nervous about

going back to the situation she had left behind. As she walked down the

tunneled ramp to her airplane, she looked back and tried to wave confidently,

but I knew she was scared that she might lose her newfound understanding and

get drawn back into the drama.

She needn't have worried. Apparently the

meeting with Jeff went well. Jill requested that he not question her

immediately about what had happened while she was away and to give her space

for a few days to get settled. However, she immediately noticed a difference

in him. He was attentive, kind and considerate � more like the Jeff she

had known before this whole episode began.

Things went on well for some days and Jeff's

behavior with his daughter, Lorraine,

changed dramatically. In fact, everything seemed to be getting back to normal

with regard to that relationship, but the atmosphere between Jeff and Jill

did remain tense and their communication limited.

About two weeks later, the situation came to a head.

Jill looked at Jeff and said quietly, " I feel like I've lost my

best friend. "

" So do I, " he replied.

For the first time in months they connected. They

hugged each other and began to cry. " Let's talk, " Jill said.

" I've got to tell you what I learned with Colin in America.

It's going to sound weird to you at first, but I want to share it with

you. You don't have to believe it. I just want you to hear me. Are you

willing? "

" I'll do whatever it takes, "

replied Jeff. " I know something important happened to you there, and I

want to know what it was. You have changed, and I like what I see. Tell me

what happened. "

Jill talked and talked. She explained the dynamics of

Radical Forgiveness as best she could in a way Jeff could understand. She

felt strong and powerful � sure of herself and her understanding,

secure and clear in her mind.

Jeff, a practical man who always is skeptical of

anything that cannot be rationally explained, did not resist this time

� and was indeed quite receptive to the ideas that Jill asked him to

consider. He voiced openness to the idea that there might be a spiritual

world beneath everyday reality and, given that, saw a certain logic in the

Radical Forgiveness concept. He didn't accept it totally, but he

nevertheless was willing to listen, to consider and to see how it had changed

Jill.

After the discussion, they both felt their love had

been rekindled and that their relationship had a good chance of surviving.

They made no promises, though, and agreed to keep talking to each other while

they watched how their relationship progressed.

It did, indeed, progress quite well. Jeff still paid

attention to his daughter, Lorraine,

but not as much as before. Jill found she didn't care anyway, even when

he did behave in this manner - which I think he did (unconsciously of

course), to test her. She passed, for it did not trigger her to regress

emotionally and react from old beliefs about herself. And within a month of

their conversation about Radical Forgiveness, all that stopped. Lorraine didn't

call or visit as often and she got on with her life.

And so it was that everything slowly returned to

normal. That was quite a number of years ago and they are still together, and

so far as I can tell, very happily married.

Copyright 2000-2005 Radical Forgiveness Institute

~*~

Newsletter/Case-Histories

(non-posting group):/ -subscribe

Ezine:

CenteredInTheHeartSpace CenteredInTheHeartSpace-subscribe

Discussion forum:

PIVOTinJOY/

PIVOTinJOY-subscribe

* Thank you for

forwarding this to any friends or lists where there may be interest! *

This may be

forwarded in its entirety, for educational purposes only, but may not be used

for any workshops or reproduced in any other manual, book, CD, DVD or

publication or used for any commercial gain. For any other purposes,

please contact the Author, Dayawanti D'Sa, at pivot.in.joy@...