Size now, size to be

[Guest guest]

I am still 10 days out from surgery and I love reading about all the

success of those who have already had it done. I hope and keep

telling myself that I fully expect to be one of those success stories.

About a year ago I finally had to admit to myself that I really

couldn't wear the size 28 I was in and went up to a 30. That's when

I first started investigating lapband surgery. Now, over a year

later, it's finally happening and I'm excited, nervous, determined,

ambivilant, resigned to the fact that I've committed myself to this

and all those other emotions y'all have all probably gone through too.

My senior year in high school, I went on a diet in January and by

graduation in May, I'd lost over 25 pounds and was into a size 16. I

honestly can't remember being less than a size 14 since I was in

about the 7th grade.

More and more, as I'm getting closer to surgery, I wonder what size

my body really is. Yeah, I know right now it's a 30, but once I lose

weight.... I tell myself that I'd be happy with a 14, maybe a 12.

Then I read someone's post who's around the 150lb mark and that

they're in size 10 or 8 and I wonder---that's about the weight I'd

like to be. Is it possible that I could wind up being a size 10 or

even an 8?

I don't *feel* like I'm a size 30. 'Course it slaps me in the face

every time I look in a mirror or see a picture someone snapped of

me. ;o) I *know* I'm a size 30 and at times am repulsed by the way I

look. (Which is why I have no full-length mirrors!)

My shoulders. Will they always be a bit rounded or will they be

those that look like I've got shoulder pads on whether I do or not?

And shoe size. I don't even know if I'm really a size 9 or not.

Maybe I won't have to look for wide shoes any more. *Maybe* I'll

actually start looking for shoes with heels because they won't be so

darn uncomfortable any more. (But then again, I love my creature

comforts! ;o))

A waist. I will eventually have a *waist*!! :-O I'm not sure I've

ever had one. I think I went from a log shape to a beach ball shape.

I so dislike that most plus size clothes are dull, drab, and in

styles that I wouldn't be caught dead in but that I have to wear

because it's generally frowned upto to go to work naked. (And to

incite riots because of it. ;o)) I am so tired of walking into a

clothing store and automatically looking for the plus sizes. I am

soooo looking forward to the day when I can walk in and not have to

consciously avoid all the really cute things in all the bright colors

simply because they're " not my size. "

I have no concept of what I'll look like when I'm at goal. Not just

body-wise but face-wise. It's odd...I don't even know what shape

face I really have. I *think* it's oval but then again, it might be

heart-shaped. Right now, it's just round.

After all this, it might sound a bit odd, but I wouldn't give up a

bit of my life as I've lived it up till now. It's shaped who I am

and set me on the path to who I'll become. I think because I've

always been overweight (ok, fine, I'm fat!) that I have a better

empathy with people. I think that I will always have a bit more

compassion in my heart because I have lived with a silent pain for so

long. Besides, it's worth nothing to wish to change the past. It's

done and dead and only worth the lessons it's taught me.

And with that, I'm off to mumble quietly to myself again. ;o)

in AR, just getting things off my chest. ;o)