Holiday Eating tips - or not

[Guest guest]

I just received this from a friend, and am still laughing.

Sandy

HOLIDAY EATING TIPS

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet

table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see

carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum

balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare.. You

cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares

that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going

to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy

it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's

Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of

gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of

your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk

or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a

sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to

control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is

to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New

Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.

This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the

buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of

eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like

frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position

yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before

becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of

shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them

again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or

if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always

have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor

Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the

mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean,

have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the

party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-

read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by:

" Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of

arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather

to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, a glass of red wine in

the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and

screaming, " WOO-HOO!! What a ride! "

Happy Holidays, everyone.