Retired Husband

[Guest guest]

RETIRED

HUSBAND After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target: Dear Mrs. , > Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion> in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced> to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your> husband, Mr. , are listed below and are documented by our video> surveillance cameras: > 1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in> other people's carts when they weren't looking. (like this one)> 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at> 5-minute > intervals. > 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to> the women's restroom. > 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official> voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the> employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from> her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing> management to lose time and costing the company money. > 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M & Ms> on layaway. > 6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.> > 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the> children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and> blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children> obliged.. > 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began> crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs> were called. > 9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it> as a mirror while he picked his nose. > 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he> asked the clerk where the antidepressants were. > 11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly> humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme. > 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna> look' by using different sizes of funnels. > 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed> through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' > 14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he> assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES> AGAIN!' And last, but not least: > 15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited> awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in> here.' One of the clerks passed out. > If you don't send this to 12 of your dearest friends, your property> taxes will go up, your stocks will go down, and your middle will> spread. (How's that for a curse?!?) What? It's already come true? > Then send it anyway--you've got nothing' to lose! > ArhataOsho.com