Tired of it all!!

[Guest guest]

I am so so sorry, to all of you, but I just have to vent for a little

bit, and I am sure most of you will understand. I am 50 years old and

feel like 90.

First of all, I know I am quiet, but I do read what I can of what you

all write, it is just hard for me to sit at my computer long, but I do

care. I have suffered with this horrible disease for a very long time,

but diagnosed about 13 years ago.

Secondly, my husband is away in Iraq, his second tour, but thankfully,

he is to return end of next month. We have been married for 32 years,

he is my caring, supportive life force to me and dealing with this

horrible illness. I had to quit work, by orders from my doctor, not

only for the Fibro, but also for another Auto Immune disease I struggle

with, Multi-Systemic Sarcoidosis, that has been traveling around my

body thru my Lymph Nodes, Lungs, Kidneys, and Central Nervous System. I

also have Osteoporosis, probably because of having had to have a

complete Hysterectomy at age 28 because of a tumor.

My point of this note is I am sick of being sick. Sick of all the pain

for so many years, and going thru one medication after another, only

for it to work maybe for a few months, then my body gets used to it. I

have developed tummy problems for it too. I am worn down all the time,

but don't get me wrong, I drag myself up in the morning, try to move

around, forcing myself, getting out of the house when I can with a huge

smile on my face. Trying to be part of my family, enjoying all I can,

but missing out on doing a lot of things I want to do with our adorable

granddaughter, whom just turned 4, and since I am her " favorite

gramma " , I feel so badly I am limited to play like she wants, and

cannot handle having her over for the day when I am by myself.

My husband is away, as I said, and I am with all of my heart and soul,

trying to be so supportive for him, by taking good care of me and our

home, which has taken every ounce of me to manage, and then there are

days like today, where I wake up, and I just cannot get my engine

going, I can hardly move, my head is so heavy, I just want to lay down

all day, but that is so depressing to me, but what am I to do? To help

manage the time away while he is away, means staying busy, but I hurt

so much and am so tired all of the time, it is such a struggle I can

hardly manage and some days I just want to cry all day, frustrated. I

am sick of bothering my understanding doctor about what I am going

thru, as I know she cares but is also frustrated of how to treat me

anymore. And I don't want to keep talking about this or say how

miserable I am to my family or friends, and I worry of them tiring of

hearing it. So, I stay silent, as I am afraid them all getting

frustrated with me and turning away, and I need my support I can get. I

can't share how I feel to my husband on his short calls he is able to

make to me, so I sit here now, so frustrated, as today is one of those

days again, where I can hardly get going, my head is heavy,I hurt all

over, and I need to do something so I can get thru yet another day

alone, yet I just can't get going. And I feel like no one else around

here at home understands just how hard it is. They see me smile, they

see me do things, but they just don't get how hard it is to manage

little things, and how hard it is to keep going. And I don't give up,

but I am so tired of it all.

Please, can someone else share with me if they also feel like this? Fed

up, worn down, and feel like there is no real help for them.

I see that this or that person has found treatment that helps them, and

I am happy for them, but not all of us are that lucky, and it is hard

for me to wonder why nothing helps me. Maybe it's because of having

other health issues that play against the Fibro also? I have currently

had to resort to the Fentanyl Pathces, which I fought off taking for

years, but I had to have help, and it does help the best now without

the side effects that most medications have given me, but still, days

like today is just too much.

Thank you for your patience in letting me voice my frustrations, I

apologize to you for not just saying how great life is and how this or

that works great and I'm sorry that even thou some of you say there is

hope and you can be normal again, it doesn't always work for us all,

remember that, and remember that it's not fair to forget how some of us

have a life change at a young age. Please don't look down on me,

thinking I have not tried this or that, trust me, I have, but it

doesn't work for us all. I push myself so hard all the time to keep

going, I don't sit and feel sorry for myself, but some days I feel like

enough is enough..and this is one of those days. Plus, I miss my

husband like crazy! This is his second time over there and it is so

hard on me.

Thank you all for..well, thank you for just being there..

Blessing to you all, Deborah in California