Pain Pain Pain.... need support

January 4, 2008

I think the past few months have been trying to prepare me for what

was coming. I have been able to find more pain than I thought

possible. My left leg from hip to toes has been in spasms since

December 22. That day my husband took me to the ER. The doctor

there was kind and respectful to what was going on. He gave me some

reasonable pain medication; in fact he was the first to give me

proper medication. So, I actually felt quite well over Christmas.

That was it. I saw my doctor the other day and he sneered and said,

people who take that level of pain medication should be dying of

cancer etc.

In the meantime, I am starting to feel sad, and I am on Effexor, and

a very large dose of that. I am afraid for my life. I am afraid of

losing my handsome, active caring husband, because this sucks for him

too. He has found some entertainment that does not include me, but I

still fear. He says he loves me and would never leave, but I know, I

just know how hard it is for me, so it has to be equally difficult

for him, though in different ways.

Friends, co workers, my mother, they all look at me as if to

say, " what is it now... "

I read recently that the #1 cause of death among people with chronic

pain was suicide. Don't get me wrong I am NOT suicidal at all. But

I understand what they are saying. Life is constant pain, and I feel

like I am watching it go by. For the first time in my life I

understand that suicide is not about being sad, in fact it is about

wanting to unburden others and about not feeling this pain that no

one seems to understand anymore.

I love my husband and my kids with my whole heart, soul, fibre and

being. I just wish I didn't feel like such a burden to them.

Then there is light... I know my fight is for a reason, even if I

can't quite figure that out right now. I know God wouldn't give me

more than I could handle. Would he?

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