We all suffer Together

August 6, 2008

Gena,

All I can say is WOW!!! Sometimes you think you are the only one with problems, but the main thing is, you keep on fighting. Never give up. i lost a brother to suicide in 2002 when I had just lost my house and was homeless for awhile. Some friends took me in for about 4 months and while I was living there on their couch, their 26 yr. old son I had known since birth died of a drug overdose. Even though he was blue by the time I made it up the stairs, I performed CPR on him, but no luck there. He was gone. Two weeks after that my brother died. Things were never the same with my friends, and won't have anything to do with any of their friends. We had been friends for 30 yrs. and our kids grew up together. I have a wonderful daughter, son-in-law and beautiful grandson. They keep me from taking my own life. My brother was bipolar and would not go for help. I have been Bipolar all of my life, but, I went for help. I was in a Psych hospital once on suicide watch. That is all for now..........Hang in there girl,

God Bless you. Quite a story, you should write a book. I keep journals and people are always telling me I should write a book, because of my interesting life......maybe, someday......

Blessings from Tennessee,

T,**************Looking for a car that's sporty, fun and fits in your budget? Read reviews on AOL Autos. (http://autos.aol.com/cars-BMW-128-2008/expert-review?ncid=aolaut00050000000017 )

August 6, 2008

I belong to another support group for Fibromyalgia sufferers and I wanted to share what she wrote to our group then I will share what I wrote back to her but I will leave out her name to protect her idenity being she doesn't belong to this one that I know of.The reason I chose to share it is because I many of you here may feel the same as her and I do trying to fight the pain on a daily basis.

(Written by a friend of another group)

wow...that's my first reaction.

i'm so far behind you guys.

maybe it's because i used to have it "great".

and you had it "not so great" to begin with....so ya don't know the difference.

i've give ANYTHING.... to get melanoma, cancer...something that could/would let me die an "honorable" death. something that my kids wouldn't have to say "she bailed out on us"...."she didn't love us ENOUGH".

yeah, i'll eat the blank'in vitamins to try and improve what's goin' on.....but i'll be damned if i'll ever have a pap smear or mammogram...or anything else that would save my life. ~i've had cyrosurgery and a conization of my cervix...7 years ago....i'm freakin' COUNTING on dying of cervical cancer. heart attack......WHATEVER it takes.

this *($* SUCKS. this isn't LIFE. not mine, anyway. i'm just consuming air that other people could be breathing instead of ME.

i'm just.....

gawd....i dont' know how you people keep hanging on. what makes you think death is such a big awful thing? 95% of you believe in some kind of "god"....what makes you fear dying so much?????!!!!!!! you believe in HEAVEN, don't ya? what the hell? i can't put enough exclamation points behind that question.....why? why? why? what is it that you people hang on to????? what makes me so different??????!!!!!!

you help me as much as you outrage me......i don't understand! am i living some kind of illusionary (s ******P) dream??? wtf????!!!

yeah, i can walk, talk, see, hear.....but jc....like THIS?????!!!!!

omg! "somebodys" have fms + RA, fms + lupus, fms + OI, fms + diabetes, fms + all kinds of other ** & $ ----and you can HANDLE IT????

i wanna DIE. right NOW. keel over and just stop it all. right here, right now....be DONE.

and it isn't even WINTER this year.....yet.

wtf????

did i miss out on some kind'a "gene" that connects with "survival"? or what? am i a spoiled rotten "american" who wants it all????!! hell, no! i've given up so very much. i've strided it VERY well. i've taken the blows after blows.....and i still want to die. doesn't matter that it's only august. i know winter's coming. i know i won't make it. not thru the next one.

god? hell, i'd shoot a f*****g DOG if it were in this much misery. why can't we shoot people???? why is that so unacceptable...to have/give mercy on PEOPLE????!!!

good nite and i'm not loggin on for weeks.....i can't take this crap anymore.

you people aren't "normal".

(this is my reply)

Although I wrote this in reply to (*Her name*) pos, it is for all

of you to know we all are inflicted with too much to

handle sometimes but with the love and support we

receive here ( total strangers.. how great is that)

we can make it thru together!!!!

(*Her Name*)

I know how you feel girl.

I have lived my whole life in pain and have been

different even as an infant.

My health has been nothing but an inconvenience my whole life.

When I was born, my mom had sewn me many cute outfits

and receiving blankets to which none I could wear.

The reason being I was allergic to 'Cotton."

I was also allergic to "Milk and Formula"

and had to drink "Goats Milk" EEEkkkk!!!

Now tell me just how many are allergic to "Cotton"

on God's Green Earth.

At 3 years old I was put on 'Tranquillizers"

because my nerves were so bad that

I would throw up all the time.

When we went somewhere

we always had to take a little garbage pail.

This went on all the way to 6 years old.

Then my baby sister came along and changed it

for a couple months I was so happy and proud.

Then later on in my 6th year my brother started

sexually and verbally molesting me.

At age 9 to 12 my uncle molested me.

At age 14 I was raped by some high school

boys while walking home for lunch.

They grabbed me on the sidewalk and threw

me in their white car.. 3 of them.

They then drove around with me in the car down

country roads and molested me.

They dumped me out a couple blocks from home.

I ran as best as I could because my panties

were down to my knees.

When I got home, I ran into my MOMs arms

she knew something was up cuz I was 45

minutes late for lunch.

She was getting ready to call the school

and see if I was coming home.

She called my dad at work and they took me

immediately to the hospital then to the police.

I ended up in the hospital with a stress

disorder. The time I was in hospital

they had gone to court and I didn't have to

go cuz of the evidence was enough.

I felt at ease that day that MOM told me they were

locked up for 2 years. But because I was so stressed

and was scared to go to school there we had to move.

But the whole year of 7th grade I had a tutor

at home.

We made a couple moves until we ended up where I

fell in love at 16 and became pregnant.

Lot's of things happened that year.

I finally told MOM that my own brother

and uncle(her brother) had molested me.

She would hear nothing of it.

I felt lost and alone as my family did

not show me the love I wanted as a

little girl. I have no memories of my

MOM reading to me or taking me to

the Zoo or any good memories of Birthdays or anything.

I knew I wasn't suppose to have sex

at that age because my parents would beat me.

They were very strict. I was not allowed

to be in band or sports because that

meant going out of town on the school bus.

And she said bad things happened on those buses.

MOM finally signed papers for me to get

married.

It was a hard life at 16(husband was 18) with a baby girl who is now 26.

Then came a son at 18 who is now 24.

He was abusive but yet I was young

and didn't know better I just felt attention

and love. MOM caught on because when she called

for me to come visit I had to make sure my husband was working

out of town because he didn't want me to be at my MOMs.

I would sneak over there the his relatives or friends would tell on

me then he would beat me. After 6 years I packed my bags one day

and me and the kids went to my MOMs. We had a joint account

so I took $500 and got a lawyer. Had a relationship

with a high school Sweetheart from age 18-21.

I ended the relationship because I didn't know how to survive in it

because he was too nice and caring and giving.

At 21-to 26 I was in another relationship and left because he

was too good. I was used to being abused sexually,

mentally and physically and didn't know how to act when

someone treated me nice.

At age 27 I meant the father of my last 2 children

who are ages 15 and 12 boys.

I was with him for 10 years.

He was an alcoholic addicted to over the counter drugs and

pain pills and street drugs. I had not known all this until after

we were married because I had never been around that stuff.

Well I got the abuse I was used to because he abused me daily

physically and mentally. He was in jail twice for spousal abuse.

Many things happened during that 10 years too numerous to mention

one of them being he was arrested for attempt to end his own fathers life.

Many drug charges. One of his abuse moments, I ended up in hospital

with premature labor my last son. At that time he was jailed

30 days. I was spoken to by many advocates that they would

help me get out of the relationship. Oh I tried to stay away

at least 5 times but never could. Finally in 9th year of marriage

I chose to end it. I move out and got an attorney. I had protection

orders in place and he violated them.

First offence he went to Jail 30 days. Second offence the PENN. for 18 months.

After he was released from the PENN on probation there

still was no contact with me and only supervised visits with the boys.

Of course he violated the protection order and probations terms

of not calling me or coming near my house. So he went to the PENN

for 3 years. He was only released 2 months and 2 days before

he died of what they called and accidental overdose on

prescription drugs. I took my boys to the funeral because it was their

father. I myself chose to attend the funeral so I could see

for myself that he was actually dead so I could feel safe.

I feel God took him in order to protect the lives of myself as well

as my sons from him harming us.

During the time he was in I met another guy I allowed in my

life that was a drunk. I was with him for 3 years.()

The guy I was dating had a brother() who was an alcoholic

and committed suicide. At the funeral I was introduced to

one of their cousins (Larry) who had only been in North Dakota

where I was for a year. He had moved from Texas

due to a divorce with his wife after a 30 year marriage

and also wanted to be near is elderly MOM.

I met him and he was very nice and we became very good

friends. After only a week of knowing him I called

another one of his cousins(Don) and said could I have

his phone number that I was interested in talking with him.

The funny thing is at the funeral the guy () I was dating

family had told Larry that he was mean to me.

And then Larry went up to and said he

you don't treat her good that he would.

So of course that sounded nice to me and I called Larry

We talked 4 hours on the phone then he invited me over.

We talked for hours and I was attracted to him as well

as he was I. He kissed me goodnight. Well I avoided him

and his calls all the next week as well as those from

my boyfriend because I had never cheated and I

felt guilty. But I finally got up the courage to tell

that I wanted to end it with him and that I was

interested in dating Larry. I broke it off with on Friday

and Saturday Larry too me to Red Lobster to eat

and then to a movie....WOW! I had never had this

special treatment my whole life. Then a week after only one

date he asked me to go "steady" with him.. HA/HA cute huh?

Sounds like our old high school date.

So anyway the first week we dated he took me to many trips

to the Casino and gave me money to play. During that

we he bought me ring with my birthstone in it.

He also bought the boys and I a new flat screen TV,

DVD played, entertainment center, Computer desk, new phones,

2 night stands and lamps and many necklaces and rings and

earrings and watches. He bought kitchen stuff, bedding,

and all sorts of clothes and Playstaion winter coats

and shoes and toys for the boys and much other stuff to many

to keep up with. He loves my kids and he loves me and that means the world to me.

We have been dating 6 years this September 5th.

He is 18 years older than me I was born in 1965 and him

in 1947. I am now 43 and he is 61. Over this 6 years

we have been through alot together some good and some

bad but it all has been things beyond our control.

There have been no ups and downs between us.

My 15 year old became unruly and has lived in Boys Groups

and a wonderful foster care family that is trained with

these type of children. He has been out of the home for almost 4 years now.

He is 16 now.

Also during our 6 years together we lost his MOM which I very

much loved and we were close. Also during our time together

he lost a kidney to cancer. He has had 4 surgeries to put stints in his heart.

We have taken care of each other thru. He is a gambler and he went thru all

his retirement pension within a couple years time. He was then forced to love

on his Social Security which was hard for him being he had many bills

and credit cards. We have dated for years and lived in separate households

but did a lot of traveling back and forth to each others house

for sleep overs. The reason we never settled in same household is because

I was on government funding for housing and medical and with all

my health issues and his we could not afford each other Ha/Ha!

We last year 2007 in July he called me up crying say "Babe I am

sorry for what I am about to tell you but I need to move back to

Texas and live with my daughter and get back on my feet with these bills.

It was very hard but I knew it had to be done. I didn't have the money

to go with and get my on place nor did I want to raise my 12 year

old son in Dallas, Texas although I am A Texas girl myself

being born in Houston and leaving when I was 3 years old.

Well after MOM found out he was leaving she asked me if they came and

moved me down to Arkansas would I come, of course that meant

leaving my 15 year old in Care and not seeing him and also

leaving my 26 year old daughter and my 6 year old Granddaughter

as well as my 24 year old son behind and mind you there has never been

a day in their life that I had not seen or talked to them everyday.

That was a hard decision and also I wasn't that close to MOM as I had

not seen her for 13 years. We talked on the phone and wrote though.

She said they would help me with my health and that my son and I

could stay as long as need be till I got on my feet.

Well they came and got us last part of August 2007 and they brought

and enclose trailer but I had to get rid of some things. Like my bed

dresser, table and chairs, couch and chair and a portable fireplace

as well as my car that was older and couldn't make the trip.

But those were all replaceable. I was not upset.. after all

I was leaving all the bad memories and starting over.

It only took 2 months for us to get a beautiful apartment in

a four-plex unit. I used to live in 3rd floor in ND and climbed 33 stairs

everyday. It was killing me with my back and legs. So here

I have a beautiful yard that they mow and I can have flowers and I

also have a potted tomato plant and cucumber plant that are doing

great. I have been able to replace all my furniture with nicer

things that MOM and others have given me. I can not begin to

tell you how different my MOM and I get along now how

beautiful and close our relationship is. She is my world.

Her and my dad takes me to all my appointments and to the grocery

store as I have not got a car yet. My dad got me a wonderful lawyer

that got him his disability. He has been working on my case

for 9 months now and I have not had to pay him a penny. He

got all my records for me I don't have to lift a finger.

He even paid for me out of his pocket to see a Psychiatrist

he believes in. The Psychiatrist has stated I am unemployable

for many health reasons which include, Fibromyalgia,Hypothyroidism,

Mitral Valve Prolapse,High Blood Pressure, Rheumatoid Arthritis,

Myofasial Pain, Hiatal Hernia Hernia,3 Herniated discs in my back (degenerative disc disease),

Depression/Anxiety, Chronic Fatigue, Chronic Insomnia, and Asthma.

Oh Heavens I believe that's all of them.

Well I have been here 1 year come the end of August.

I love it here the weather, the people but unfortunately I have not been

able to enjoy it much because my back went out first of March and I

am forced to walk with a walker. My days are filled with trips to Dr.'s

and continuously looking for new programs to help me pay for medical

help and medications.

It was very hard the first 6 months I was here with the company of

my older children as well as being away from Larry. He was able

to make an 8 hour trip form Texas to Arkansas to see me last

Jan/Feb after not seeing him 6 months was great. He was here

2 weeks. Unfortunately while he was visiting we had an F4 Tornado

come thru and wipe out our town. The electricity was out for 6 days.

Well the Tornado came On Feb 5th my 43rd birthday.

We had picked up my son at the bus stop just a block from

my home. It was raining and we knew there were Thunderstorms

coming. Mom had wanted to make me supper and so she cooked ahead

of time and kept it warm in oven. We got there at 3:30 PM

ate and was sitting around talking when we heard louder thunder and

heavier rain so MOM turned on the news. Showed storms were getting

closer. Well MOM lives in a trailer so she is afraid of lighting

so she turned off TV and we listened to battery powered radio.

We decided to head to their Tornado Shelter in the back yard

so we wouldn't have to make a run for it in the heaviest part.

We were sitting there and they made the sirens go off and said

a possible Tornado had gone thru. Well after the storm we came up

and had cake and then went home. I live 3 miles from MOM.

As we headed home we were stopped by a road block and the police

said trees and power lines were down ahead. Nothing about a Tornado.

So we went to the next entrance of the town from behind on a back road

and the police there said no admittance into town due to Tornado

damage and we are like,” What"???? and We ask do you know if our

house is hit and he said didn't know for sure. We said we needed to

get to my house because Larry is a diabetic and heart patient

and needed his meds. And also his clothes as he was due to leave next day

for a Dr.'s appointment he had in Texas, they said No can do.

So they sent us to ER to explain and get some meds. Well

they gave him 3 days worth of scripts and we filled them at

Walgreen's in a town 10 miles away because they had not been hit.

Man that was $300 in meds cuz he couldn't use his insurance

as they were not due to be filled. But luckily once he was back he got

reimbursed. Ok so now we sleep that night at MOM's we go to town next day

and they still said no. But finally my dad got a hold of Sheriff

and he escorted us to my place because there was not damage to it Thank

You Lord! The tornado had missed my home by only a 1/2 a block.

We gathered up Larry's things and some clothes for us and was able to retrieve my

frozen things. A neighbor of MOM's allowed me to put my food in her

freezer. Because like I said MOM lives 3 miles away

and was not hit by Tornado. Larry left that day Feb 6.

We were out of our home for 6 days until powered was restored.

Well needless to say that added to my post traumatic illness.

So now with Larry leaving in Feb and my back going out in March

we have not been able to connect for another visit as although

I am unable to cook and be a good host or much company

that would not set him back in a visit as he would like to take

care of me. Well many factors play into a visit such as Gas Prices

as well as he is now ill himself. This past weekend he started passing blood

with some diarrhea stools. As of yesterday when I talked to him

he was still passing blood and even when he "Farts" blood is emitted.

He has a Dr. appointment for that on Thursday.

I just want to say it has taken me a life time to find Larry to be that

special man in my life and now money and health is what holds us apart.

It seems hardly fair. But I believe deep down in my heart that we were

meant to be together and that someday will come.

He is the love of my live, my soul mate that was waiting for me.

So for now I will settle for the many phone calls and E-mails that we

share daily!

My parents too are not healthy as dad had a bad back and bad heart.

MOM has severe Asthma and Chronic Bronchitis. And my real dad

in Little rock, Arkansas is batteling Leukemia.

Well with all this being said and done, I would just like to say

(*Her Name*) I full heartedly know how you feel about wanting to end it all.

by taking own lives. Believe you me, I have thought of it many of times.

And God only knows we have our own "Private Pharmacy~ full of pills to help

end it all.

The only reason that keeps me going is not my "Faith" cuz I have very little

of that these days, but it is the pure fact of my "Children"

I am all they have had all their life and I am the only one they can count on.

Even though we are 1,ooo's of miles away I am still the one they call when they

need someone to talk to. I see how hard it is day to day to see them

watch me in pain, I want to be around to Thank them for all their love,

help and support. So (*Her name*) when you are down and want to finish it all

I hope you have the Love, Support and desire to carry on this fight and not let

it win. At least by being "Here" in this support group we have "Each Other"

We are family for each other when our own families won't listen!

I am depressed right now due to pain and being away from my kids so I called yesterday to get into see my Psychiatrist.

God Bless You Girl,

and give you strength to hold your head up for one more day.

All I can ask from God is,” Please send me down a "Bigger" plate as this one

is running over." LOL!

GenaInternal Virus Database is out of date.

Checked by AVG - http://www.avg.com

Version: 8.0.138 / Virus Database: 270.5.10/1586 - Release Date: 8/1/2008 6:59 PM

August 6, 2008

Gena. I am speechless. God bless you, girl. You might have lost your faith, but He has not lost faith in you.

Pam