Coping With Food Pushers

[Guest guest]

By Tallmadge

One of my clients, who came to me to lose about 30 pounds, has a real

problem. He loves to eat, and he loves to please people. In fact, he said

pleasing people is the main reason he overeats. This tendency becomes

especially troublesome during the holidays when friends, family and

colleagues invite him for meals. My kind-hearted client literally cannot say

no.

As a result, he says holidays are a time of joy but also frustration,

because his need to be polite is in stark conflict with his goal of trimming

down.

Many of us can appreciate his dilemma. Holiday delicacies can be difficult

to navigate, especially if you're trying to avoid gaining weight from

Thanksgiving to the New Year. And that can bring out the best and the worst

in people.

We all know hosts who aren't satisfied until they convince us, beg us, to

eat more, more, more. Their entreaties are hard to resist, if only because

we want to be polite.

To be fair, " food pushers, " as I call them, aren't necessarily bad people.

Your mom, your spouse, your friends -- they just want to please you. They

are people who think they have your best interests at heart and know more

than you do about what and how much food (and drink) you should be

consuming.

My clients and I have tried various tactics through the years, most of them

utter failures. I've tried explaining that I wasn't hungry. I even went

through a phase of telling people I was allergic to this or that. That

didn't work, either. And I learned that the worst thing you can say to a

food pusher is, " No thanks, I'm on a diet " or " Thanks, I'm watching it. "

You might as well say, " Talk me into it! " Your excuse is giving the food

pusher a double signal -- that you really want it but have to refuse. It

might also sound insulting, implying that the food isn't good enough for

your refined tastes. And finally your response might make the pusher feel

guilty, as if he or she should be " watching it, " too. All of these things

challenge the food pusher to seduce you.

But I finally began to make headway when I learned the most basic rule of

all: Never give excuses. I'm delighted to say that one of the foremost

authorities on etiquette told me that this approach is both appropriate and

wise.

" The best answer is a simple but firm 'No thank you,' " declared Judith

, the syndicated columnist who writes as Miss Manners. " Once you give

an excuse, you open yourself to argument. "

also offered clear advice in her column to food pushers, and their

" endless patter of coercion -- 'Oh, come on, one won't hurt you . . . I made

this especially for you . . . it doesn't have any calories . . . you're too

thin anyway . . . it's good for you . . . you're not going to make me eat

leftovers tomorrow.' Miss Manners asks them to cut it out. "

" To offer and provide food is lovely, but to badger people into eating it

isn't pleasant, " told me. " Politeness consists of offering food and

drink without cajoling or embarrassing people into taking it. "

While " no thank you " is fine for hosts, I learned I had to use a different

tactic with my family.

During visits to my grandparents in Sweden, for instance, every day I felt

overstuffed from too many fattening (and, yes, delicious) Swedish meatballs,

cheeses and cakes. Inevitably with each visit I came home several pounds

heavier.

I decided I'd drop subtle hints and compliments to guide them into serving

me food that wasn't going to make me look and feel like a Swedish meatball.

This technique of continued positive reinforcement took several years (in

psychology, it's called " shaping " ), but it eventually worked. When they

served seafood, salads, fruits -- food I wanted more of -- I complimented

lavishly. " Sweden has the best fish in the world! " or " I just love your

salads! " (which was all true, by the way). Over time, whenever I'd visit,

they'd feed me what they learned I loved: seafood, salads and fruits. (Yes,

I also loved the fattening stuff, but that was easily obtained, and I wanted

to limit my indulgences without announcing it.)

The same technique can work with your colleagues, friends and family, and

it doesn't have to take years. At Thanksgiving or during the holidays,

instead of focusing on what you don't want or can't have, and using turn-off

words such as " healthy " or " diet, " simply compliment your hosts and stay

positive. Instead of saying " I can't have dessert, I'm watching it, " say

" The meal was so satisfying, I can't have another bite! "

When given a choice at, say, the Thanksgiving meal, a work party, a

potluck, or in restaurants, instead of, " I don't eat mashed potatoes and

gravy, " say: " The green beans look fabulous! "

My client tried these tactics with his family and friends and has been

losing weight ever since. He was surprised at how a simple compliment could

stop food pushers in their tracks.

Even Miss Manners agrees that this approach is okay as long as you don't go

into too much detail. In the end, no food pusher can resist a happy guest.

Of course, as a guest, you have obligations, too, which I'll discuss in my

next column.

Tallmadge is a Washington nutritionist and the author of " Diet

Simple " (Lifeline Press, 2004). Send e-mails to her at food@....