Re: HELP I NEED FAMILY SUPPORT

October 8, 2008

>

> Hello all...I am writing to ask for help in somehow getting my

> children and boyfriend that what I have is not only real but very

> painful and limits me greatly. I have 18 and 20 yr old kids who

are

> both in college and work and a boyfriend for 5 yrs. Even though

> they all know of my illness of FMS/CFS and see that I'm in alot of

> pain they don't get it. If I don't cook dinner doesn't get done,

if

> I don't shop, we have no food, if I don't pay the bills, we will

have

> no electricity etc. I'm not feeling sorry for myself I just don't

> know how to get my loved ones to understand how devastating this

is.

> I haven't been able to work in over 2 1/2 yrs and have continually

> gotten worse. I feel guilty when I have to lay down, which is all

the

> time. I cry all of the time from my depression.

>

> They say they understand but here's an example of def. not

> understanding...yesterday my live-in boyfriend asked if I wanted to

> get something to eat for dinner out and I told him I was really

> hurting and had just taken a pain pill and his comment was, " but

I'll

> drive " . My daughter after I told her I had to go lay down, " You're

> laying down again " ? Here's another example, just today I went to

yet

> another Rheumatologist who is FibroFriendly and he put me on

sleeping

> pills and I just now let my son know that I may not be able to take

> his sister to work tomorrow depending on how the pills effect me

and

> his comment was, " I was hoping to sleep in " . Now how's that for

> understanding. I sent him the video that Dominie sent to me in his

> email over 2 wks ago and he still hasn't watched it. I've tried

> reading things to my boyfriend as well as my children, but it goes

in

> one ear and out the other.

>

> I've always been the rock in the family and always took care of

> everything and when I say everything I mean everything. My

daughter

> helps by vacuuming the house and doing the wash, but she's going

away

> to school and my son will pick some things up at the store once in

a

> while and my boyfriend does nothing, however, he works very very

hard

> and takes care of all of the earnings and if it wasn't for him I

> couldn't make it financially.

>

> Anybody out there, how do I get my family to support me and at

least

> try to understand what's going on with my body and my mind? I've

> gone back in the posts and read some of the letters that were sent

by

> Dominie, but how do I even get my family to read the letters, if I

> can't get them to see what's going on with me?

>

> I'm sorry that this is so long and it really does sound like I have

> really selfish kids, but just know that if they are it's my fault

for

> doing everything their entire lives and now I can't. I would

really

> appreciate any help. Thank you all. God Bless and very soft

hugs.

>

,

Do you have any support groups in your area? If so, do you

think you could get your boyfriend, and kids to go with you? Maybe if

they saw others who felt the same way, it would validate your illness

to them. Not that you need it. We all know how very real and painful

this is. Have they gone to the doctor with you? Ihave a daughter

whos is 19 and a son who is 11 and a daughter who is 9. My children

are all very understanding and always say they wish thier old mom was

back. i too was always going 100 mph, and the house always had to be

perfect. My youngest gets frustrated when mom doesn't want to go shop

or do art projects, it's just the nayure of the beast i guess. My

husband still doesn't understand it but he knows me and the person i

used to be and he also knows I am doing eveything in my power to get

back to the woman he married almost 13 yrs.ago. There needs to be

some sensitivity in your home i think. i tell them when i need help

and if they don't help it won't get done. Your children are old

enough to understand this. The are actually adults and should be

willing to help you, because you don't just wnat it you NEED it and

that with help and understanding you can start to get better. i know

the guilt you feel and understand it, because we all feel it. Don't

give up on yourself or your family, they will understand it, and i

hope you continue to come here because WE do. i don't know if any of

this will be of any help and if i can think of anything else... Maybe

some of the others will be able ot help more. Take care of yourself

and I hope you find some peace.

October 8, 2008

Don't mean to be hard on you, but start refusing. Your daughter should get to work by herself; tell her you can't drive her anymore and she will need to find alternate arrangements to get to work.When your daughter moves, there will be less laundry. Try to take care of yourself and your boyfriend. Your son should do his own wash. And meals. And if he's not paying rent, the vacuuming and other chores.Your boyfriend sounds like he was trying to help by offering to get dinner out, but ask him to pick it up?You have to look at all the little ways to pamper yourself. You have been serving others too much. Now that your children are grown they need to take care of themselves or leave.Look at what someone else can do. Could someone else pick up the groceries? Tell them you're too tired and

hand them a list. Put your foot down and give yourself a break.I know; I did what you're doing with my family, but my kids went to university and have learned to cook and live on their own. When at home, they did their own wash and would vacuum and clean up as I just didn't have the energy to. The house stays messy. My son cleans the bathrooms, the floors and does his own wash. I still do make dinner when they're home, though, so I can't tell you too much!They don't understand how much you hurt, so you have to be more assertive and tell them by refusing to do things they could do themselves. HelenFrom: teresa.mermis <teresa.mermis@...>Subject: Re: HELP I NEED FAMILY

SUPPORTdominie Received: Thursday, October 9, 2008, 1:46 AM

>

> Hello all...I am writing to ask for help in somehow getting my

> children and boyfriend that what I have is not only real but very

> painful and limits me greatly. I have 18 and 20 yr old kids who

a

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October 8, 2008

Thank you so much for those ideas. No none of them have gone to any

doctors with me. They're schedules are crazy and my boyfriend works

7 days per week. I have a support group once per month and I've

attended 1x so far and it's during the day when either they're

working or have school. I have great kids don't get me wrong, I

think because I was a stay home mom until they were 10 & 11 and then

I worked at their high school and then stopped working in Feb. 2006,

so I've always been there for them, not the other way around. I just

don't know how or what to do. It's very upsetting and frustrating

for me. Thanks again for taking the time to care. Very soft

hugs to you.

In dominie , " teresa.mermis " <teresa.mermis@...>

wrote:

>

> >

> > Hello all...I am writing to ask for help in somehow getting my

> > children and boyfriend that what I have is not only real but very

> > painful and limits me greatly. I have 18 and 20 yr old kids who

> are

> > both in college and work and a boyfriend for 5 yrs. Even though

> > they all know of my illness of FMS/CFS and see that I'm in alot

of

> > pain they don't get it. If I don't cook dinner doesn't get done,

> if

> > I don't shop, we have no food, if I don't pay the bills, we will

> have

> > no electricity etc. I'm not feeling sorry for myself I just

don't

> > know how to get my loved ones to understand how devastating this

> is.

> > I haven't been able to work in over 2 1/2 yrs and have

continually

> > gotten worse. I feel guilty when I have to lay down, which is all

> the

> > time. I cry all of the time from my depression.

> >

> > They say they understand but here's an example of def. not

> > understanding...yesterday my live-in boyfriend asked if I wanted

to

> > get something to eat for dinner out and I told him I was really

> > hurting and had just taken a pain pill and his comment was, " but

> I'll

> > drive " . My daughter after I told her I had to go lay

down, " You're

> > laying down again " ? Here's another example, just today I went to

> yet

> > another Rheumatologist who is FibroFriendly and he put me on

> sleeping

> > pills and I just now let my son know that I may not be able to

take

> > his sister to work tomorrow depending on how the pills effect me

> and

> > his comment was, " I was hoping to sleep in " . Now how's that for

> > understanding. I sent him the video that Dominie sent to me in

his

> > email over 2 wks ago and he still hasn't watched it. I've tried

> > reading things to my boyfriend as well as my children, but it

goes

> in

> > one ear and out the other.

> >

> > I've always been the rock in the family and always took care of

> > everything and when I say everything I mean everything. My

> daughter

> > helps by vacuuming the house and doing the wash, but she's going

> away

> > to school and my son will pick some things up at the store once

in

> a

> > while and my boyfriend does nothing, however, he works very very

> hard

> > and takes care of all of the earnings and if it wasn't for him I

> > couldn't make it financially.

> >

> > Anybody out there, how do I get my family to support me and at

> least

> > try to understand what's going on with my body and my mind? I've

> > gone back in the posts and read some of the letters that were

sent

> by

> > Dominie, but how do I even get my family to read the letters, if

I

> > can't get them to see what's going on with me?

> >

> > I'm sorry that this is so long and it really does sound like I

have

> > really selfish kids, but just know that if they are it's my fault

> for

> > doing everything their entire lives and now I can't. I would

> really

> > appreciate any help. Thank you all. God Bless and very soft

> hugs.

> >

>

> ,

>

> Do you have any support groups in your area? If so, do

you

> think you could get your boyfriend, and kids to go with you? Maybe

if

> they saw others who felt the same way, it would validate your

illness

> to them. Not that you need it. We all know how very real and

painful

> this is. Have they gone to the doctor with you? Ihave a daughter

> whos is 19 and a son who is 11 and a daughter who is 9. My children

> are all very understanding and always say they wish thier old mom

was

> back. i too was always going 100 mph, and the house always had to

be

> perfect. My youngest gets frustrated when mom doesn't want to go

shop

> or do art projects, it's just the nayure of the beast i guess. My

> husband still doesn't understand it but he knows me and the person

i

> used to be and he also knows I am doing eveything in my power to

get

> back to the woman he married almost 13 yrs.ago. There needs to be

> some sensitivity in your home i think. i tell them when i need help

> and if they don't help it won't get done. Your children are old

> enough to understand this. The are actually adults and should be

> willing to help you, because you don't just wnat it you NEED it and

> that with help and understanding you can start to get better. i

know

> the guilt you feel and understand it, because we all feel it. Don't

> give up on yourself or your family, they will understand it, and i

> hope you continue to come here because WE do. i don't know if any

of

> this will be of any help and if i can think of anything else...

Maybe

> some of the others will be able ot help more. Take care of yourself

> and I hope you find some peace.

>

October 8, 2008

Thank you Helen, and no you're not being mean. I feel badly for my daughter, we've been looking for a car for a long time and because I have no income now, she doesn't have much to spend on a car and the choices are not good to say the least. I did have my son cook tonight, he made taco's for himself and my boyfriend. My daughter and I are vegans and I don't know about you but I just don't have an appetite and barely am eating, which I know is not good, but when I am hungry I'm either in pain or just so fatigued that it's takes so much to get something to eat that it would be nice to have some help. I also feel badly for my boyfriend because he does work so hard and I feel that I should be cooking him dinner, again, if it wasn't for him I couldn't live financially. I know that sound pathetic but it's true. I told my kids

that as long as they're full time college students that they would not have to pay rent. I'm going to have to sit down with the entire family and lay down some ground rules. I've tried this before but they look at me like I'm nagging. When my boyfriend suggested dinner, he wanted to go out. I suggested that he go pick something up and he said no he wanted to go out. I felt like I had to go into detail about what kind of pain I was in and why I couldn't go and he just got quiet and just said, "fine forget it", so I know he was upset.

I have to say though, that's a really good idea about the wash. I think I'll have my son start doing his own how to get him used to doing it. Thank you Helen for your suggestions and I know it's because you care not because you're being mean. Thank you. Soft Hugs

From: teresa.mermis <teresa.mermis>Subject: Re: HELP I NEED FAMILY SUPPORTdominie@groups .comReceived: Thursday, October 9, 2008, 1:46 AM

>> Hello all...I am writing to ask for help in somehow getting my > children and boyfriend that what I have is not only real but very > painful and limits me greatly. I have 18 and 20 yr old kids who a

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Know the symptoms

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find out more.

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October 9, 2008

Hi! I would say,#1 DON'T feel guilty! None of this is your fault! I know you must feel your letting everyone down,but the key is to make them understand & maybe they would have more compassion for you & what you're going through. Do you think there would be any way that your family would sit down with you & a GOOD doctor or counselor? Sometimes it takes a professional to get it through their heads! Believe me,I know! Good luck to you friend! Take care,Pam.S

Please check out my store at= http://www.zazzle.com/pammys*

for MANY informative & unique Fibromyalgia Awareness Items.

Thanks! Pam

- Original Message ----From: bookie0415 <bookie0415@...>dominie Sent: Wednesday, October 8, 2008 9:00:04 PMSubject: HELP I NEED FAMILY SUPPORT

Hello all...I am writing to ask for help in somehow getting my children and boyfriend that what I have is not only real but very painful and limits me greatly. I have 18 and 20 yr old kids who are both in college and work and a boyfriend for 5 yrs. Even though they all know of my illness of FMS/CFS and see that I'm in alot of pain they don't get it. If I don't cook dinner doesn't get done, if I don't shop, we have no food, if I don't pay the bills, we will have no electricity etc. I'm not feeling sorry for myself I just don't know how to get my loved ones to understand how devastating this is. I haven't been able to work in over 2 1/2 yrs and have continually gotten worse. I feel guilty when I have to lay down, which is all the time. I cry all of the time from my depression.They say they understand but here's an example of def. not understanding. ..yesterday my live-in boyfriend asked if I wanted

to get something to eat for dinner out and I told him I was really hurting and had just taken a pain pill and his comment was, "but I'll drive". My daughter after I told her I had to go lay down, "You're laying down again"? Here's another example, just today I went to yet another Rheumatologist who is FibroFriendly and he put me on sleeping pills and I just now let my son know that I may not be able to take his sister to work tomorrow depending on how the pills effect me and his comment was, "I was hoping to sleep in". Now how's that for understanding. I sent him the video that Dominie sent to me in his email over 2 wks ago and he still hasn't watched it. I've tried reading things to my boyfriend as well as my children, but it goes in one ear and out the other.I've always been the rock in the family and always took care of everything and when I say everything I mean everything. My daughter

helps by vacuuming the house and doing the wash, but she's going away to school and my son will pick some things up at the store once in a while and my boyfriend does nothing, however, he works very very hard and takes care of all of the earnings and if it wasn't for him I couldn't make it financially. Anybody out there, how do I get my family to support me and at least try to understand what's going on with my body and my mind? I've gone back in the posts and read some of the letters that were sent by Dominie, but how do I even get my family to read the letters, if I can't get them to see what's going on with me?I'm sorry that this is so long and it really does sound like I have really selfish kids, but just know that if they are it's my fault for doing everything their entire lives and now I can't. I would really appreciate any help. Thank you all. God Bless and very soft hugs.

October 9, 2008

Hi Again! Everyone "MUST" change their schedules for "YOU"!!! There has got to be a way for them to all find a hour out of their lives for you?! I think you need to set some MAJOR ground rules that will really get their attention & then see if they can find time for you! You may need to turn their worlds upside down & make their life harder for them! You really need to get their attention & demand that your family gives you the support & respect that "YOU" deserve! Take care & Many Blessing to you,Pam.S

http://www.zazzle.com/pammys*

For MANY Fibromyalgia Awareness Items

and Many other creative ideas! Thanks! Pam

Re: HELP I NEED FAMILY SUPPORT

Thank you so much for those ideas. No none of them have gone to any doctors with me. They're schedules are crazy and my boyfriend works 7 days per week. I have a support group once per month and I've attended 1x so far and it's during the day when either they're working or have school. I have great kids don't get me wrong, I think because I was a stay home mom until they were 10 & 11 and then I worked at their high school and then stopped working in Feb. 2006, so I've always been there for them, not the other way around. I just don't know how or what to do. It's very upsetting and frustrating for me. Thanks again for taking the time to care. Very soft hugs to you. In dominie@groups .com, "teresa.mermis" <teresa.mermis@ ...> wrote:>> > >> > Hello all...I am writing to ask for help in somehow getting my > > children and boyfriend that what I have is not only real but very > > painful and limits me greatly. I have 18 and 20 yr old kids who > are > > both in college and work and a boyfriend for 5 yrs. Even though > > they all know of my illness of FMS/CFS and see that I'm in alot of > > pain they don't get it. If I don't cook dinner doesn't get done, > if > > I don't shop, we have no food, if I don't pay the bills, we will > have > > no electricity etc. I'm not feeling sorry for myself I just don't > > know how to get my loved ones to understand how devastating this > is.

> > I haven't been able to work in over 2 1/2 yrs and have continually > > gotten worse. I feel guilty when I have to lay down, which is all > the > > time. I cry all of the time from my depression.> > > > They say they understand but here's an example of def. not > > understanding. ..yesterday my live-in boyfriend asked if I wanted to > > get something to eat for dinner out and I told him I was really > > hurting and had just taken a pain pill and his comment was, "but > I'll > > drive". My daughter after I told her I had to go lay down, "You're > > laying down again"? Here's another example, just today I went to > yet > > another Rheumatologist who is FibroFriendly and he put me on > sleeping > > pills and I just now let my son know that I may not be able to take > > his sister to

work tomorrow depending on how the pills effect me > and > > his comment was, "I was hoping to sleep in". Now how's that for > > understanding. I sent him the video that Dominie sent to me in his > > email over 2 wks ago and he still hasn't watched it. I've tried > > reading things to my boyfriend as well as my children, but it goes > in > > one ear and out the other.> > > > I've always been the rock in the family and always took care of > > everything and when I say everything I mean everything. My > daughter > > helps by vacuuming the house and doing the wash, but she's going > away > > to school and my son will pick some things up at the store once in > a > > while and my boyfriend does nothing, however, he works very very > hard > > and takes care of all of the earnings and if

it wasn't for him I > > couldn't make it financially. > > > > Anybody out there, how do I get my family to support me and at > least > > try to understand what's going on with my body and my mind? I've > > gone back in the posts and read some of the letters that were sent > by > > Dominie, but how do I even get my family to read the letters, if I > > can't get them to see what's going on with me?> > > > I'm sorry that this is so long and it really does sound like I have > > really selfish kids, but just know that if they are it's my fault > for > > doing everything their entire lives and now I can't. I would > really > > appreciate any help. Thank you all. God Bless and very soft > hugs. > > > >> > > > > > ,>

> Do you have any support groups in your area? If so, do you > think you could get your boyfriend, and kids to go with you? Maybe if > they saw others who felt the same way, it would validate your illness > to them. Not that you need it. We all know how very real and painful > this is. Have they gone to the doctor with you? Ihave a daughter > whos is 19 and a son who is 11 and a daughter who is 9. My children > are all very understanding and always say they wish thier old mom was > back. i too was always going 100 mph, and the house always had to be > perfect. My youngest gets frustrated when mom doesn't want to go shop > or do art projects, it's just the nayure of the beast i guess. My > husband still doesn't understand it but he knows me and the person i > used to be and he also knows I am doing eveything in my power to get >

back to the woman he married almost 13 yrs.ago. There needs to be > some sensitivity in your home i think. i tell them when i need help > and if they don't help it won't get done. Your children are old > enough to understand this. The are actually adults and should be > willing to help you, because you don't just wnat it you NEED it and > that with help and understanding you can start to get better. i know > the guilt you feel and understand it, because we all feel it. Don't > give up on yourself or your family, they will understand it, and i > hope you continue to come here because WE do. i don't know if any of > this will be of any help and if i can think of anything else... Maybe > some of the others will be able ot help more. Take care of yourself > and I hope you find some peace.> >

>

October 9, 2008

Hello : I have read your post and all the responses and am so

full of mixed feelings about this! I have had FMS since 98 and had

to stop working. Two and a half years ago I developed some really

horrible autonomic nervous system symptoms and now I have significant

small fiber neruopathy. I am never comfortable and am anxious and

depressed. I won't even go into a list of my symptoms.

As I read your story I had many thoughts and emotions. My first were

that I feel such empathy for you and what you are going through. I

think the biggest thing is having to give up your life. I also think

about your anger being more at your illness than your family, but how

does one be angry at an illness?

You say your live-in BF works all the time to support you. Your kids

are adolescents and focused on their own lives. That is what they

do. Unfortunately, everyone has his or her own issues and lives. I

live alone. My son is ten miles away but rarely calls or visits. He

is wrapped up in his own family and child. This is pretty normal.

Your change in roles in the family has wreaked havoc on everyone's

lives, not just your own. So everyone is going through grief and

loss. I am sure they all wish that things were as they were and they

never will be. This is some pretty tough stuff to go through and you

may well need professional help to guide you through it. Despite

your illness, it is normal for your family to feel resentful. They

lost you! They lost who you were to them and they are angry and sad

too.

I have two dear friends who live an hour away from me and help when

they can, but I sometimes see the resentment and weariness they feel

for having to take on another burden. I do the best I can to do what

I can for them, which is nowhere near what they do for me and

sometimes it is so hard! But we DO have to take care of those who

care about us too!

Now, that having been said, I hope I wasn't too hard on you or

offensive in any way. It is SO important to let those who do help us

in any way know how much we appreciate what they do for us.

Hugs, S.

October 9, 2008

Thank you for this response. It reflects some of the feelings that my family has had towards my mother and her rapid deterioration with fibromyalgia since her retirement. We also have lost the strong woman who used to be the glue that held our family together. She is no longer able to go out and enjoy life the way she used to.

The fact that me and my sisters also came from a home where our father abused us adds to the resentment that we feel towards my parents. We are held in contempt because we do not fulfill my parents, mostly my mother's, emotional and social needs. I am constantly going between the need to protect my own emotional well-being and the desire to give my mother what she needs. On top of all that, my parents have converted this past year to the Jehovah's Witness religion, leaving my youngest sister and I feeling further emotional abandonment. As a final result our family is split in half with my middle sister and her family being of this same faith and my sister and our families not.

How I wish that we were a close-knit family without all the emotional bagage. My sister tells me to let it go, let them be who they are and keep moving forward but it is not easy.

I sympothize with all the broken hearts and broken dreams of my fibro family and send out loving thoughts to you.

Deb Halvorson

Re: HELP I NEED FAMILY SUPPORT

Hello : I have read your post and all the responses and am so full of mixed feelings about this! I have had FMS since 98 and had to stop working. Two and a half years ago I developed some really horrible autonomic nervous system symptoms and now I have significant small fiber neruopathy. I am never comfortable and am anxious and depressed. I won't even go into a list of my symptoms.As I read your story I had many thoughts and emotions. My first were that I feel such empathy for you and what you are going through. I think the biggest thing is having to give up your life. I also think about your anger being more at your illness than your family, but how does one be angry at an illness?You say your live-in BF works all the time to support you. Your kids are adolescents and focused on their own lives. That is what they do. Unfortunately, everyone has his or her own issues and lives. I live

alone. My son is ten miles away but rarely calls or visits. He is wrapped up in his own family and child. This is pretty normal.Your change in roles in the family has wreaked havoc on everyone's lives, not just your own. So everyone is going through grief and loss. I am sure they all wish that things were as they were and they never will be. This is some pretty tough stuff to go through and you may well need professional help to guide you through it. Despite your illness, it is normal for your family to feel resentful. They lost you! They lost who you were to them and they are angry and sad too.I have two dear friends who live an hour away from me and help when they can, but I sometimes see the resentment and weariness they feel for having to take on another burden. I do the best I can to do what I can for them, which is nowhere near what they do for me and sometimes it is so hard! But we DO have

to take care of those who care about us too! Now, that having been said, I hope I wasn't too hard on you or offensive in any way. It is SO important to let those who do help us in any way know how much we appreciate what they do for us.Hugs, S.

October 9, 2008

Hi , I can sympathize with you, I have a similar problem where hubby says he completely understands that I am not able to do things some of the time, and he acts very compassionate, he will even read all the stuff I give him. And yet he does nothing.

I suggest you take boyfriend and son to the doctor with you. They might listen to a doctor before they will listen to you. I don't have a fibro-friendly rheumy, or I would do the same.

Pam

HELP I NEED FAMILY SUPPORT

Hello all...I am writing to ask for help in somehow getting my children and boyfriend that what I have is not only real but very painful and limits me greatly. I have 18 and 20 yr old kids who are both in college and work and a boyfriend for 5 yrs. Even though they all know of my illness of FMS/CFS and see that I'm in alot of pain they don't get it. If I don't cook dinner doesn't get done, if I don't shop, we have no food, if I don't pay the bills, we will have no electricity etc. I'm not feeling sorry for myself I just don't know how to get my loved ones to understand how devastating this is. I haven't been able to work in over 2 1/2 yrs and have continually gotten worse. I feel guilty when I have to lay down, which is all the time. I cry all of the time from my depression.They say they understand but here's an example of def. not understanding...yesterday my live-in boyfriend asked if I wanted to get something to eat for dinner out and I told him I was really hurting and had just taken a pain pill and his comment was, "but I'll drive". My daughter after I told her I had to go lay down, "You're laying down again"? Here's another example, just today I went to yet another Rheumatologist who is FibroFriendly and he put me on sleeping pills and I just now let my son know that I may not be able to take his sister to work tomorrow depending on how the pills effect me and his comment was, "I was hoping to sleep in". Now how's that for understanding. I sent him the video that Dominie sent to me in his email over 2 wks ago and he still hasn't watched it. I've tried reading things to my boyfriend as well as my children, but it goes in one ear and out the other.I've always been the rock in the family and always took care of everything and when I say everything I mean everything. My daughter helps by vacuuming the house and doing the wash, but she's going away to school and my son will pick some things up at the store once in a while and my boyfriend does nothing, however, he works very very hard and takes care of all of the earnings and if it wasn't for him I couldn't make it financially. Anybody out there, how do I get my family to support me and at least try to understand what's going on with my body and my mind? I've gone back in the posts and read some of the letters that were sent by Dominie, but how do I even get my family to read the letters, if I can't get them to see what's going on with me?I'm sorry that this is so long and it really does sound like I have really selfish kids, but just know that if they are it's my fault for doing everything their entire lives and now I can't. I would really appreciate any help. Thank you all. God Bless and very soft hugs.

October 9, 2008

(Gee this got really LONG!! Sorry everyone!)

Dear ,

You are now experiencing what most women experience who feel they have

to live up to a particular stereotype of how a wife/mother/girlfriend

is supposed to act, and then end up sick or disabled in some way. All

you end up with is guilt, anxiety, depression, and a strange kind of

loneliness. I know this, and I'm not even a woman. But I see it over

and over again, and it makes my heart hurt. Most people feel the Bible

indicates a subservient role for women, and it sure works for a lot of

men in this world! But Eve was created with a bone from Adam's rib,

not his feet, to be a partner and " equally yoked. " In any committed

relationship each person " commits " , either implicitly or explicitly,

to a set of roles and responsibilities. So far so good. But what

happens when one person is no longer able (and I don't mean no longer

willing) to fulfill each and every one of those responsibilities? If

the relationship is one of mutual respect and love, then it's not a

problem. Things get adjusted so that whatever might not get done gets

handled by somebody else or is determined not to be necessary after

all. What if you were in a wheel chair and unable to get out of it?

How is that so different from what you are experiencing?

May I suggest you have a sit-down " family meeting " and get everyone to

commit to truly having respect for one another. What would that look

like? How would that feel? You are all on the same team, so there

should be no competing goals here. Lay everything out on the table.

This includes a clear assessment and listing of the things that

everybody needs (key word: needs) to have done in a given week. Also

it's a good time for everyone to talk about their feelings. No blaming

allowed, and this is not a time for defending anything. Feelings just

*are*. There is no right, wrong, or " incorrect " feelings. It's also

important to say things like, " I'm not saying this is how things

really are. I'm just saying this is how it feels to me. " Things like

that. The important thing is to stree how you need to come together

and work together for the common good.

It's also a good time to modify expectations. Some men feel that the

sum total of their responsibility is to " bring home the bacon " and

that the woman's job is to run the house and raise the children.

Again, this works for a lot of men in this world, and even a lot of

women. But we don't live in the 40's or 50's anymore, and that's just

not our world. We've learned that the cost is just too high, and

honestly, as a man and somebody who sort of lived that way at one

time, it's much more fulfilling (for both people!) to truly be an

equal partner.

This same thing is true of our relationship to our children. The most

successful people in this world are almost always those who, as

children, did not have it easy and had to learn to do things for

themselves at an early age. We think of that as " tragic, " and their

success as an " overcoming of a horrible childhood " . But to me it's

more tragic to see young adults who still expect their mothers to do

their laundry and clean their rooms and make their beds. It's not easy

to *not* do things for our kids. We love them and want to do

everything for them. But that's not what parenting is all about.

Parenting is *hard* and one of the reasons is because it's not good

for them to " have it all " and always have someone do everything for

them. Unconditional love, yes. That's what's required of us. Doing

everything for our kids? Giving them everything in our power to give

them? No. That's not in their best interest, and it's not really

loving them. It makes us happy. But it's bad for them.

So it turns out that all this is actually good news for everyone in

your family, because everyone " wins " . Everyone gets to be heard, and

everyong gets to participate in the solution. If your BF works 7 days

a week, his contribution will look different than if he only worked 5

days a week. But he's still invested in this beyond just paying the

bills. And your kids are living under your roof, so they need to

contribute too. They will actually feel better for making you happier.

My wife (who has fibro) and I had a rule in our house: It has to work

for everybody. If it's not working for anybody, it's not working for

everybody. Something has to change. Sometimes it's indeed something

that needs to change, and sometimes it's the expectations of the

person for whom it's not working, but everybody has to agree that it's

working for them, or it's not working.

I'm sorry this turned into a small book. I hope some of it helps.

Change is not easy for anyone. And you have no choice in the " change "

that is fibro. You need the love and support of EVERYONE in your life.

I pray you get it and/or make it happen.

With Love and Caring,

Jerel Crosland

>

> Hello all...I am writing to ask for help in somehow getting my

> children and boyfriend that what I have is not only real but very

> painful and limits me greatly. I have 18 and 20 yr old kids who are

> both in college and work and a boyfriend for 5 yrs. Even though

> they all know of my illness of FMS/CFS and see that I'm in alot of

> pain they don't get it.

<...snip...>

October 9, 2008

Well said, I think we can all draw from your comments for the betterment of our selves and our children.

Deb Halvorson

Re: HELP I NEED FAMILY SUPPORT

(Gee this got really LONG!! Sorry everyone!)Dear ,You are now experiencing what most women experience who feel they haveto live up to a particular stereotype of how a wife/mother/ girlfriendis supposed to act, and then end up sick or disabled in some way. Allyou end up with is guilt, anxiety, depression, and a strange kind ofloneliness. I know this, and I'm not even a woman. But I see it overand over again, and it makes my heart hurt. Most people feel the Bibleindicates a subservient role for women, and it sure works for a lot ofmen in this world! But Eve was created with a bone from Adam's rib,not his feet, to be a partner and "equally yoked." In any committedrelationship each person "commits", either implicitly or explicitly,to a set of roles and responsibilities. So far so good. But whathappens when one person is no longer able (and I don't mean no longerwilling) to fulfill each and

every one of those responsibilities? Ifthe relationship is one of mutual respect and love, then it's not aproblem. Things get adjusted so that whatever might not get done getshandled by somebody else or is determined not to be necessary afterall. What if you were in a wheel chair and unable to get out of it?How is that so different from what you are experiencing? May I suggest you have a sit-down "family meeting" and get everyone tocommit to truly having respect for one another. What would that looklike? How would that feel? You are all on the same team, so thereshould be no competing goals here. Lay everything out on the table.This includes a clear assessment and listing of the things thateverybody needs (key word: needs) to have done in a given week. Alsoit's a good time for everyone to talk about their feelings. No blamingallowed, and this is not a time for defending anything. Feelings

just*are*. There is no right, wrong, or "incorrect" feelings. It's alsoimportant to say things like, "I'm not saying this is how thingsreally are. I'm just saying this is how it feels to me." Things likethat. The important thing is to stree how you need to come togetherand work together for the common good. It's also a good time to modify expectations. Some men feel that thesum total of their responsibility is to "bring home the bacon" andthat the woman's job is to run the house and raise the children.Again, this works for a lot of men in this world, and even a lot ofwomen. But we don't live in the 40's or 50's anymore, and that's justnot our world. We've learned that the cost is just too high, andhonestly, as a man and somebody who sort of lived that way at onetime, it's much more fulfilling (for both people!) to truly be anequal partner.This same thing is true of our relationship to

our children. The mostsuccessful people in this world are almost always those who, aschildren, did not have it easy and had to learn to do things forthemselves at an early age. We think of that as "tragic," and theirsuccess as an "overcoming of a horrible childhood". But to me it'smore tragic to see young adults who still expect their mothers to dotheir laundry and clean their rooms and make their beds. It's not easyto *not* do things for our kids. We love them and want to doeverything for them. But that's not what parenting is all about.Parenting is *hard* and one of the reasons is because it's not goodfor them to "have it all" and always have someone do everything forthem. Unconditional love, yes. That's what's required of us. Doingeverything for our kids? Giving them everything in our power to givethem? No. That's not in their best interest, and it's not reallyloving them. It makes us happy. But

it's bad for them.So it turns out that all this is actually good news for everyone inyour family, because everyone "wins". Everyone gets to be heard, andeveryong gets to participate in the solution. If your BF works 7 daysa week, his contribution will look different than if he only worked 5days a week. But he's still invested in this beyond just paying thebills. And your kids are living under your roof, so they need tocontribute too. They will actually feel better for making you happier.My wife (who has fibro) and I had a rule in our house: It has to workfor everybody. If it's not working for anybody, it's not working foreverybody. Something has to change. Sometimes it's indeed somethingthat needs to change, and sometimes it's the expectations of theperson for whom it's not working, but everybody has to agree that it'sworking for them, or it's not working.I'm sorry this turned into a

small book. I hope some of it helps.Change is not easy for anyone. And you have no choice in the "change"that is fibro. You need the love and support of EVERYONE in your life.I pray you get it and/or make it happen.With Love and Caring,Jerel Crosland>> Hello all...I am writing to ask for help in somehow getting my > children and boyfriend that what I have is not only real but very > painful and limits me greatly. I have 18 and 20 yr old kids who are > both in college and work and a boyfriend for 5 yrs. Even though > they all know of my illness of FMS/CFS and see that I'm in alot of > pain they don't get

it.<...snip...>

October 9, 2008

Jerel,

You rule. I don't like to stereotype, but we need more men like you in our universe.

God bless you and your fortunate wife.

Pam

Re: HELP I NEED FAMILY SUPPORT

(Gee this got really LONG!! Sorry everyone!)Dear ,You are now experiencing what most women experience who feel they haveto live up to a particular stereotype of how a wife/mother/girlfriendis supposed to act, and then end up sick or disabled in some way. Allyou end up with is guilt, anxiety, depression, and a strange kind ofloneliness. I know this, and I'm not even a woman. But I see it overand over again, and it makes my heart hurt. Most people feel the Bibleindicates a subservient role for women, and it sure works for a lot ofmen in this world! But Eve was created with a bone from Adam's rib,not his feet, to be a partner and "equally yoked." In any committedrelationship each person "commits", either implicitly or explicitly,to a set of roles and responsibilities. So far so good. But whathappens when one person is no longer able (and I don't mean no longerwilling) to fulfill each and every one of those responsibilities? Ifthe relationship is one of mutual respect and love, then it's not aproblem. Things get adjusted so that whatever might not get done getshandled by somebody else or is determined not to be necessary afterall. What if you were in a wheel chair and unable to get out of it?How is that so different from what you are experiencing? May I suggest you have a sit-down "family meeting" and get everyone tocommit to truly having respect for one another. What would that looklike? How would that feel? You are all on the same team, so thereshould be no competing goals here. Lay everything out on the table.This includes a clear assessment and listing of the things thateverybody needs (key word: needs) to have done in a given week. Alsoit's a good time for everyone to talk about their feelings. No blamingallowed, and this is not a time for defending anything. Feelings just*are*. There is no right, wrong, or "incorrect" feelings. It's alsoimportant to say things like, "I'm not saying this is how thingsreally are. I'm just saying this is how it feels to me." Things likethat. The important thing is to stree how you need to come togetherand work together for the common good. It's also a good time to modify expectations. Some men feel that thesum total of their responsibility is to "bring home the bacon" andthat the woman's job is to run the house and raise the children.Again, this works for a lot of men in this world, and even a lot ofwomen. But we don't live in the 40's or 50's anymore, and that's justnot our world. We've learned that the cost is just too high, andhonestly, as a man and somebody who sort of lived that way at onetime, it's much more fulfilling (for both people!) to truly be anequal partner.This same thing is true of our relationship to our children. The mostsuccessful people in this world are almost always those who, aschildren, did not have it easy and had to learn to do things forthemselves at an early age. We think of that as "tragic," and theirsuccess as an "overcoming of a horrible childhood". But to me it'smore tragic to see young adults who still expect their mothers to dotheir laundry and clean their rooms and make their beds. It's not easyto *not* do things for our kids. We love them and want to doeverything for them. But that's not what parenting is all about.Parenting is *hard* and one of the reasons is because it's not goodfor them to "have it all" and always have someone do everything forthem. Unconditional love, yes. That's what's required of us. Doingeverything for our kids? Giving them everything in our power to givethem? No. That's not in their best interest, and it's not reallyloving them. It makes us happy. But it's bad for them.So it turns out that all this is actually good news for everyone inyour family, because everyone "wins". Everyone gets to be heard, andeveryong gets to participate in the solution. If your BF works 7 daysa week, his contribution will look different than if he only worked 5days a week. But he's still invested in this beyond just paying thebills. And your kids are living under your roof, so they need tocontribute too. They will actually feel better for making you happier.My wife (who has fibro) and I had a rule in our house: It has to workfor everybody. If it's not working for anybody, it's not working foreverybody. Something has to change. Sometimes it's indeed somethingthat needs to change, and sometimes it's the expectations of theperson for whom it's not working, but everybody has to agree that it'sworking for them, or it's not working.I'm sorry this turned into a small book. I hope some of it helps.Change is not easy for anyone. And you have no choice in the "change"that is fibro. You need the love and support of EVERYONE in your life.I pray you get it and/or make it happen.With Love and Caring,Jerel Crosland>> Hello all..I am writing to ask for help in somehow getting my > children and boyfriend that what I have is not only real but very > painful and limits me greatly. I have 18 and 20 yr old kids who are > both in college and work and a boyfriend for 5 yrs. Even though > they all know of my illness of FMS/CFS and see that I'm in alot of > pain they don't get it.<...snip...>

October 9, 2008

Thanks for your thoughts and suggestions. God Bless

From: Pam Horne <pmarshall@...>Subject: Re: HELP I NEED FAMILY SUPPORTdominie Date: Thursday, October 9, 2008, 1:41 PM

Hi , I can sympathize with you, I have a similar problem where hubby says he completely understands that I am not able to do things some of the time, and he acts very compassionate, he will even read all the stuff I give him. And yet he does nothing.

I suggest you take boyfriend and son to the doctor with you. They might listen to a doctor before they will listen to you. I don't have a fibro-friendly rheumy, or I would do the same.

Pam

HELP I NEED FAMILY SUPPORT

Hello all...I am writing to ask for help in somehow getting my children and boyfriend that what I have is not only real but very painful and limits me greatly. I have 18 and 20 yr old kids who are both in college and work and a boyfriend for 5 yrs. Even though they all know of my illness of FMS/CFS and see that I'm in alot of pain they don't get it. If I don't cook dinner doesn't get done, if I don't shop, we have no food, if I don't pay the bills, we will have no electricity etc. I'm not feeling sorry for myself I just don't know how to get my loved ones to understand how devastating this is. I haven't been able to work in over 2 1/2 yrs and have continually gotten worse. I feel guilty when I have to lay down, which is all the time. I cry all of the time from my depression.They say they understand but here's an example of def. not understanding. ..yesterday my live-in boyfriend asked if I

wanted to get something to eat for dinner out and I told him I was really hurting and had just taken a pain pill and his comment was, "but I'll drive". My daughter after I told her I had to go lay down, "You're laying down again"? Here's another example, just today I went to yet another Rheumatologist who is FibroFriendly and he put me on sleeping pills and I just now let my son know that I may not be able to take his sister to work tomorrow depending on how the pills effect me and his comment was, "I was hoping to sleep in". Now how's that for understanding. I sent him the video that Dominie sent to me in his email over 2 wks ago and he still hasn't watched it. I've tried reading things to my boyfriend as well as my children, but it goes in one ear and out the other.I've always been the rock in the family and always took care of everything and when I say everything I mean everything. My

daughter helps by vacuuming the house and doing the wash, but she's going away to school and my son will pick some things up at the store once in a while and my boyfriend does nothing, however, he works very very hard and takes care of all of the earnings and if it wasn't for him I couldn't make it financially. Anybody out there, how do I get my family to support me and at least try to understand what's going on with my body and my mind? I've gone back in the posts and read some of the letters that were sent by Dominie, but how do I even get my family to read the letters, if I can't get them to see what's going on with me?I'm sorry that this is so long and it really does sound like I have really selfish kids, but just know that if they are it's my fault for doing everything their entire lives and now I can't. I would really appreciate any help. Thank you all. God Bless and very soft hugs.

October 9, 2008

Thank you Pam for your care and concern. God Bless

From: P J <ps1968pm@...>Subject: Re: HELP I NEED FAMILY SUPPORTdominie Date: Thursday, October 9, 2008, 3:57 AM

Hi! I would say,#1 DON'T feel guilty! None of this is your fault! I know you must feel your letting everyone down,but the key is to make them understand & maybe they would have more compassion for you & what you're going through. Do you think there would be any way that your family would sit down with you & a GOOD doctor or counselor? Sometimes it takes a professional to get it through their heads! Believe me,I know! Good luck to you friend! Take care,Pam.S

Please check out my store at= http://www.zazzle. com/pammys*

for MANY informative & unique Fibromyalgia Awareness Items.

Thanks! Pam

- Original Message ----From: bookie0415 <bookie0415 (DOT) com>dominie@groups .comSent: Wednesday, October 8, 2008 9:00:04 PMSubject: HELP I NEED FAMILY SUPPORT

Hello all...I am writing to ask for help in somehow getting my children and boyfriend that what I have is not only real but very painful and limits me greatly. I have 18 and 20 yr old kids who are both in college and work and a boyfriend for 5 yrs. Even though they all know of my illness of FMS/CFS and see that I'm in alot of pain they don't get it. If I don't cook dinner doesn't get done, if I don't shop, we have no food, if I don't pay the bills, we will have no electricity etc. I'm not feeling sorry for myself I just don't know how to get my loved ones to understand how devastating this is. I haven't been able to work in over 2 1/2 yrs and have continually gotten worse. I feel guilty when I have to lay down, which is all the time. I cry all of the time from my depression.They say they understand but here's an example of def. not understanding. ..yesterday my live-in boyfriend asked if I

wanted to get something to eat for dinner out and I told him I was really hurting and had just taken a pain pill and his comment was, "but I'll drive". My daughter after I told her I had to go lay down, "You're laying down again"? Here's another example, just today I went to yet another Rheumatologist who is FibroFriendly and he put me on sleeping pills and I just now let my son know that I may not be able to take his sister to work tomorrow depending on how the pills effect me and his comment was, "I was hoping to sleep in". Now how's that for understanding. I sent him the video that Dominie sent to me in his email over 2 wks ago and he still hasn't watched it. I've tried reading things to my boyfriend as well as my children, but it goes in one ear and out the other.I've always been the rock in the family and always took care of everything and when I say everything I mean everything. My

daughter helps by vacuuming the house and doing the wash, but she's going away to school and my son will pick some things up at the store once in a while and my boyfriend does nothing, however, he works very very hard and takes care of all of the earnings and if it wasn't for him I couldn't make it financially. Anybody out there, how do I get my family to support me and at least try to understand what's going on with my body and my mind? I've gone back in the posts and read some of the letters that were sent by Dominie, but how do I even get my family to read the letters, if I can't get them to see what's going on with me?I'm sorry that this is so long and it really does sound like I have really selfish kids, but just know that if they are it's my fault for doing everything their entire lives and now I can't. I would really appreciate any help. Thank you all. God Bless and very soft hugs.

October 9, 2008

Thank you Schoenkaren for caring enough to respond to my request for help. I'm actually not angry at all at my illness. I'm a firm believer that you are given what you can handle. I'm simply looking for help and suggestions on how to get my loved ones to understand what's going on since there have been so many changes in their lives as a result of this and yes, I do, need some help in not only their understanding but in the household. I'm sorry, but you've responded as if I'm looking for sympathy when all I'm doing is looking for guidance, as this is all new to me as well as my family. What's wrong with looking for help if they are still under this roof? Shouldn't they have responsibilities?

I take great pride in the fact that up until 5 yrs ago I raised my two children as a single parent and have raised them to be fine independant citizens, and in the last 5 yrs have had support from my boyfriend. I am the one who is always telling my kids to go out and have a good time. Yes, I do think you were hard in suggesting that this is more about them focusing on their own lives, no it is simply about living within the same household and not depending on mom to do it all anymore, because I just can't, and they're not used to this. Please rethink your words before replying to these posts. We are already hurting enough, afterall this is a support group, not to judge or be judged. We all want to feel free to ask questions and answer questions without getting hurt in the meantime. I'm very sorry for you that your family doesn't visit you. Thank you again and God Bless

From: schoenkaren <kmtrs1@...>Subject: Re: HELP I NEED FAMILY SUPPORTdominie Date: Thursday, October 9, 2008, 12:19 PM

Hello : I have read your post and all the responses and am so full of mixed feelings about this! I have had FMS since 98 and had to stop working. Two and a half years ago I developed some really horrible autonomic nervous system symptoms and now I have significant small fiber neruopathy. I am never comfortable and am anxious and depressed. I won't even go into a list of my symptoms.As I read your story I had many thoughts and emotions. My first were that I feel such empathy for you and what you are going through. I think the biggest thing is having to give up your life. I also think about your anger being more at your illness than your family, but how does one be angry at an illness?You say your live-in BF works all the time to support you. Your kids are adolescents and focused on their own lives. That is what they do. Unfortunately, everyone has his or her own issues and lives. I live

alone. My son is ten miles away but rarely calls or visits. He is wrapped up in his own family and child. This is pretty normal.Your change in roles in the family has wreaked havoc on everyone's lives, not just your own. So everyone is going through grief and loss. I am sure they all wish that things were as they were and they never will be. This is some pretty tough stuff to go through and you may well need professional help to guide you through it. Despite your illness, it is normal for your family to feel resentful. They lost you! They lost who you were to them and they are angry and sad too.I have two dear friends who live an hour away from me and help when they can, but I sometimes see the resentment and weariness they feel for having to take on another burden. I do the best I can to do what I can for them, which is nowhere near what they do for me and sometimes it is so hard! But we DO have

to take care of those who care about us too! Now, that having been said, I hope I wasn't too hard on you or offensive in any way. It is SO important to let those who do help us in any way know how much we appreciate what they do for us.Hugs, S.

October 9, 2008

Thank you so much Jerel for such wonderful insight. All I'm looking for is suggestions and guildance, not sympathy and I have gotten that from you as well as from other readers. I'm going to take your advice in sitting down with my family and use this "book" as you call it as a guide, since I will forget, as I often do these days. We need more men out there to understand this. Often times, yes, the women do feel guilty as I do, not being able to do anything close to what I used to be able to do for my family. I don't even have the stamina to stand in the kitchen and cook dinner anymore and I always always made dinner. I thank you for not judging me and I agree with you that my children need to do more for themselves. They are after all adults now. And yes, your wife is one very fortunate woman, but I'm sure she is

just as wonderful or you wouldn't feel the way you do. God Bless

From: jerel999 <Jerel.Crosland@...>Subject: Re: HELP I NEED FAMILY SUPPORTdominie Date: Thursday, October 9, 2008, 3:16 PM

(Gee this got really LONG!! Sorry everyone!)Dear ,You are now experiencing what most women experience who feel they haveto live up to a particular stereotype of how a wife/mother/ girlfriendis supposed to act, and then end up sick or disabled in some way. Allyou end up with is guilt, anxiety, depression, and a strange kind ofloneliness. I know this, and I'm not even a woman. But I see it overand over again, and it makes my heart hurt. Most people feel the Bibleindicates a subservient role for women, and it sure works for a lot ofmen in this world! But Eve was created with a bone from Adam's rib,not his feet, to be a partner and "equally yoked." In any committedrelationship each person "commits", either implicitly or explicitly,to a set of roles and responsibilities. So far so good. But whathappens when one person is no longer able (and I don't mean no longerwilling) to fulfill each and

every one of those responsibilities? Ifthe relationship is one of mutual respect and love, then it's not aproblem. Things get adjusted so that whatever might not get done getshandled by somebody else or is determined not to be necessary afterall. What if you were in a wheel chair and unable to get out of it?How is that so different from what you are experiencing? May I suggest you have a sit-down "family meeting" and get everyone tocommit to truly having respect for one another. What would that looklike? How would that feel? You are all on the same team, so thereshould be no competing goals here. Lay everything out on the table.This includes a clear assessment and listing of the things thateverybody needs (key word: needs) to have done in a given week. Alsoit's a good time for everyone to talk about their feelings. No blamingallowed, and this is not a time for defending anything. Feelings

just*are*. There is no right, wrong, or "incorrect" feelings. It's alsoimportant to say things like, "I'm not saying this is how thingsreally are. I'm just saying this is how it feels to me." Things likethat. The important thing is to stree how you need to come togetherand work together for the common good. It's also a good time to modify expectations. Some men feel that thesum total of their responsibility is to "bring home the bacon" andthat the woman's job is to run the house and raise the children.Again, this works for a lot of men in this world, and even a lot ofwomen. But we don't live in the 40's or 50's anymore, and that's justnot our world. We've learned that the cost is just too high, andhonestly, as a man and somebody who sort of lived that way at onetime, it's much more fulfilling (for both people!) to truly be anequal partner.This same thing is true of our relationship to

our children. The mostsuccessful people in this world are almost always those who, aschildren, did not have it easy and had to learn to do things forthemselves at an early age. We think of that as "tragic," and theirsuccess as an "overcoming of a horrible childhood". But to me it'smore tragic to see young adults who still expect their mothers to dotheir laundry and clean their rooms and make their beds. It's not easyto *not* do things for our kids. We love them and want to doeverything for them. But that's not what parenting is all about.Parenting is *hard* and one of the reasons is because it's not goodfor them to "have it all" and always have someone do everything forthem. Unconditional love, yes. That's what's required of us. Doingeverything for our kids? Giving them everything in our power to givethem? No. That's not in their best interest, and it's not reallyloving them. It makes us happy. But

it's bad for them.So it turns out that all this is actually good news for everyone inyour family, because everyone "wins". Everyone gets to be heard, andeveryong gets to participate in the solution. If your BF works 7 daysa week, his contribution will look different than if he only worked 5days a week. But he's still invested in this beyond just paying thebills. And your kids are living under your roof, so they need tocontribute too. They will actually feel better for making you happier.My wife (who has fibro) and I had a rule in our house: It has to workfor everybody. If it's not working for anybody, it's not working foreverybody. Something has to change. Sometimes it's indeed somethingthat needs to change, and sometimes it's the expectations of theperson for whom it's not working, but everybody has to agree that it'sworking for them, or it's not working.I'm sorry this turned into a

small book. I hope some of it helps.Change is not easy for anyone. And you have no choice in the "change"that is fibro. You need the love and support of EVERYONE in your life.I pray you get it and/or make it happen.With Love and Caring,Jerel Crosland>> Hello all...I am writing to ask for help in somehow getting my > children and boyfriend that what I have is not only real but very > painful and limits me greatly. I have 18 and 20 yr old kids who are > both in college and work and a boyfriend for 5 yrs. Even though > they all know of my illness of FMS/CFS and see that I'm in alot of > pain they don't get it.<...snip...>

October 9, 2008

WOW, Jerel! You are awesome!!!!! Thank you for this wise and

compassionate post. My husband Don is the greatest too! Your wife

and I are sure blessed by you guys! I couldn't help others with fibro

if I didn't have Don's support like I do. - Dominie

>

> (Gee this got really LONG!! Sorry everyone!)

> Dear ,

>

> You are now experiencing what most women experience who feel they have

> to live up to a particular stereotype of how a wife/mother/girlfriend

> is supposed to act, and then end up sick or disabled in some way.

October 9, 2008

Dim I sure agree and I read Terrells' response to my post to my boyfriend and he's been asking me if I need anything tonight...so thanks againSent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeedFrom: "Dominie Bush" <dombush@...>Date: Fri, 10 Oct 2008 01:09:04 -0000<dominie >Subject: Re: HELP I NEED FAMILY SUPPORT WOW, Jerel! You are awesome!!!!! Thank you for this wise and compassionate post. My husband Don is the greatest too! Your wife and I are sure blessed by you guys! I couldn't help others with fibro if I didn't have Don's support like I do. - Dominie > > (Gee this got really LONG!! Sorry everyone!) > Dear , > > You are now experiencing what most women experience who feel they have > to live up to a particular stereotype of how a wife/mother/girlfriend > is supposed to act, and then end up sick or disabled in some way.

October 10, 2008

I agree with Helen. You must start drawing boundaries and saying,

" no " . There is a book that is excellant on this. I have had some

classes on this book... " Boundaries, When to Say Yes, When To Say No

To Take Control Of Your Life " by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. Townsend

Take Care!

Remember to always be yourself, everyone else is already taken!

>

> >

>

> > Hello all...I am writing to ask for help in somehow getting my

>

> > children and boyfriend that what I have is not only real but very

>

> > painful and limits me greatly. I have 18 and 20 yr old kids who

>

> a

>

> Recent Activity

>

> ï¿½8

> New Members

>

> ï¿½1

> New Polls

>

> Visit Your Group

>

> Health

> Early Detection

> Know the symptoms

> of breast cancer.

>

> Meditation and

> Lovingkindness

> A Group

> to share and learn.

>

> Food Lovers

> Real Food Group

> on

> find out more.

>

> .

>

October 10, 2008

Thank you for that advice. That's my problem, I don't like saying no and really don't know how, so I've got to learn. If this book teaches a person just that than it's the book for me. Thank you so much.

From: <brendakking02@...>Subject: Re: HELP I NEED FAMILY SUPPORTdominie Date: Friday, October 10, 2008, 11:11 PM

I agree with Helen. You must start drawing boundaries and saying,"no". There is a book that is excellant on this. I have had someclasses on this book... "Boundaries, When to Say Yes, When To Say NoTo Take Control Of Your Life" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. TownsendTake Care!Remember to always be yourself, everyone else is already taken!> > >> > > Hello all...I am writing to ask for help in somehow getting my > > > children and boyfriend that what I have is

not only real but very > > > painful and limits me greatly. I have 18 and 20 yr old kids who > > a> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Recent Activity> > > ï¿½8> New Members> > > > > ï¿½1> New Polls> > > > > > > > Visit Your Group > > > > > > Health > Early Detection > Know the symptoms > of breast cancer. > > Meditation and > Lovingkindness > A Group > to share and learn. > > Food Lovers > Real Food Group > on > find out more. > > > > .>

October 11, 2008

How true...we do have to give up the life we thought we would have.

There are many things that I 'thought' I would have, but life isn't a

fairytale. I have a family at our church (a large church of around

3,000) that just had a child with some difficulties. She found this:

" A Trip To Holland

By Perl Kingsley

'I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a

disability -- to try to help people who have not shared that unique

experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like

this...

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous

vacation trip to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your

wonderful plans... the Coliseum, the Sistine Chapel, Gondolas. You may

learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting. After

several months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You

pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands.

The stewardess comes in and says, 'Welcome to Holland!' 'Holland?' you

say. 'What do you mean, Holland? I signed up for Italy. I'm supposed

to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy.' But

there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland

and there you must stay. The important thing is that they haven't

taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place full of pestilence,

famine, and disease. It's just a different place. So, you must go out

and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a whole new language. And

you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower paced than Italy, less flashy

than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your

breath, you look around. You begin to notice that Holland has

windmills. Holland has tulips. And Holland even has Rembrandts. But

everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy, and they're all

bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest

of your life you will say, ' Yes, that's where I was supposed to go.

That's what I had planned.' And the pain of that experience will

never, ever, ever, go away. The loss of that dream is a very

significant loss. But if you spend your life mourning the fact that

you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very

special, the very lovely things about Holland.'

I don't know what my point is right now, other than I was mourning

Italy today, but in His goodness, God reminded me that He's in Holland

too and it's a pretty nice place. "

Blessings!

>

> Hello : I have read your post and all the responses and am so

> full of mixed feelings about this! I have had FMS since 98 and had

> to stop working. Two and a half years ago I developed some really

> horrible autonomic nervous system symptoms and now I have significant

> small fiber neruopathy. I am never comfortable and am anxious and

> depressed. I won't even go into a list of my symptoms.

> As I read your story I had many thoughts and emotions. My first were

> that I feel such empathy for you and what you are going through. I

> think the biggest thing is having to give up your life...

October 11, 2008

,

Thanks for sending this. I have read this before but is rings so true.

I have a fourteen year old with an Anxiety disorder,Non Verbal

Learning Disability{and all that goes with that},severe

OCD,ODD,amazingly bright and gifted,musical,a writer and spoiled.

Spoiled by me because the whole time she was growing I had to pick

and choose what I was going to risk an explosion over. An explosion

that could last three hours.

She does nothing in the house. Does not lift a finger. Her OCD makes

it so she cannot touch anything that she is afraid that is dirty and

her spoiledness has her say things like " I don't have to pick that up

it is not mine. "

My child has to go to a therapeutic boarding school her issues are so

severe. In January she leaves for at least a year. If she as staying

we would continue with the tough love " there is no option " you have

to do these things to be able to funtion on the world. It has been

tough but she has started to change.

I also learned something about myself from my DBT therapist. That

because I have been a caretaker since I was a child I know how to

talk care of everyone else but I have no idea how to care for myself.

I can feed myself,bathe etc. but beyond that when it comes to my

emotional needs,time,rest,nurturing,protecting myself...I do not have

a clue. Skills I never developed. So not only do I have to train

myself but I have to train those around me. Oh, and trust me in the

beginning they do not like it. They make your life worse. However

rays of light shine through and things begin to start to alter.

If those of us with Fibro cannot do this I think we are doomed to

exhaust ourselves and just get sicker.

sue

> >

> > Hello : I have read your post and all the responses and am

so

> > full of mixed feelings about this! I have had FMS since 98 and

had

> > to stop working. Two and a half years ago I developed some

really

> > horrible autonomic nervous system symptoms and now I have

significant

> > small fiber neruopathy. I am never comfortable and am anxious

and

> > depressed. I won't even go into a list of my symptoms.

> > As I read your story I had many thoughts and emotions. My first

were

> > that I feel such empathy for you and what you are going through.

I

> > think the biggest thing is having to give up your life...

>

October 11, 2008

Bookie: Once again, I had no intention of saying anything that would be hurtful to you, just to look at things from another perspective.

As I said, perhaps counseling would be a good thing for you and your family.

I certainly understand the hurt, and as I said before, can empathize with you. Sometimes we need to count our blessings that we have family and support of a kind.

I wish you all the best and good solutions to your difficulties.

S.

Re: HELP I NEED FAMILY SUPPORT

dominie

Date: Thursday, October 9, 2008, 12:19 PM