Re: friends and family

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 5/29/00 9:52:33 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

aisha@... writes:

<< My in-laws told my hubby that he should set and date and that if I wasn't

well but then he should just get on with his life. (sigh... pathetic huh.)

Any how, all the gory details, and horrible letters they wrote etc will be in

my book. They are not in my life anymore, and my family are those that I

chose to call family.

Thanx for caring enough to find out *hug* and I hope you never go through it.

>>

Aisha,

OH MY GOD! I just sat here and cried. I find it incredible that family

would treat you this way.

To be honest, I suppose I lost a few friends, but they were not close

friends, mostly folks at work... so when I quit working the friendships ended.

But just a month ago I turned 50 and my kids threw a surprise party for me.

The room was filled with family and friends. Some even came from 400 miles

away to be here.

So no - I can't even imagine. And I am shocked that others have not

experienced the love and caring that I experience every day. I have always

given everything I possibly could to people all my life and now I feel like

it is coming back to me.

I am just sick that you and others have been treated thusly.

Hugs,

Jo

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 5/29/00 9:52:33 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

aisha@... writes:

<<

Ya know sweetie.. you are the first person I have heard say this? No one I

have spoken too since being sick (and that's a lot of people) has ever said

that they are supported. What you wrote was what I used to believe from my

friends and family. But they were just not there. It is refreshing to know

that someone somewhere has friends who are decent, caring an human.

>>

I keep going back and reading this because I am just so flabbergasted that

you and others seem to be left so alone. I can name several seriously

chronicaly ill friends who have the same kind of support that I have.

Maybe it is somehow an age thing. I mean I am twice your age and my long

term friends are 20 - 30 years or better duration. And of course my friends

who are also ill are close to my age so the same would hold true for them.

Maybe it is because I have " familiar " illnesses and people understand them

better. Although IHSS is not particularly familiar, my family lives with

this hereditary illness and many of my cousins and such are affected as well.

So we have a natural support group for that.

This absolutely sickens me. I have so much support, and I joined this list

to give positive moral support to others, assuming everyone had the same kind

of situation that I am familiar with.

I need to digest this. It just is so foreign to me. Makes me feel very

uncomfortable and I am not sure why.

Thanks for sharing your story with me.

Jo

[Guest guest]

Hi Jo,

"I am so sorry to hear that you have had this experience. It must be devastating. I have not had this happen to me at all. As a matter of fact my friends and family have banded together to help me and I know I can call on anyone at any time for help. Without their love and support I would be just lost."

Ya know sweetie.. you are the first person I have heard say this? No one I have spoken too since being sick (and that's a lot of people) has ever said that they are supported. What you wrote was what I used to believe from my friends and family. But they were just not there. It is refreshing to know that someone somewhere has friends who are decent, caring an human.

"Why do you think this has happened? Why have your friends deserted you? Are these long time friends or recent friends? I am just trying to understand why this would happen."

I think it was because I am a caring and supportive person and when I was not there to help them, they were angry that I was not supportive, and got on with their own life. And yes, these were long term friendships (over 10+ years) and I believed that they would always be there for me. Why they deserted me.... easier option I guess. Also when you cannot be involved in anything or see anyone cause you are too ill, their life moves on, and you become a distant memory. Most thought I'd get well, most were "shocked" I was so ill. All of them *ALL* of them walked away only to call at their convenience (like every 6 months) if at all. It was very painful. And sometimes still is.

"Has your family been close and supportive? Do they offer you help and support when you need it? Were you close prior to your illness? Have you had other "rifts" with your family in the past?"

Hahahaha... my family (aside from my parents and husband) have been the worst offenders. They called me very vicious names, attacked me, did not believe I was sick, told all the family friends that I was mentally ill or that I was manipulative to be looked after - you get the picture I'm sure. Kept saying that "all your tests are normal" which was lying... I came from an extremely tight knitted loving and supportive caring family which crumbled to pieces when my extended family (who live 4 hours away but were capable of long distance diagnosis without knowing a thing) decided that I was unstable and the cause of every ones problems - going so far as to say that this had been going on for 10 years and that my parents problems were all because of me, hell I wasn't even living with my parents but facts were not mentioned, they didn't fit with their story (somehow I did all this even though I was virtually comatose for 18 months). And no - no rifts before. Basically my aunt decided I was mentally ill. Told everyone, they believed her, and they all spoke themselves into a corner so much so that when I was diagnosed they were stunned. My in-laws told my hubby that he should set and date and that if I wasn't well but then he should just get on with his life. (sigh... pathetic huh.) Any how, all the gory details, and horrible letters they wrote etc will be in my book. They are not in my life anymore, and my family are those that I chose to call family.

Thanx for caring enough to find out *hug* and I hope you never go through it.

Love ya!

Aisha.

*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*Believe that there's a light at the end of the tunnel.Believe that you may be that light for someone else.- Kobi Yamada*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=* Aisha ElderwynICQ 55461955aisha@...http://www.elderwyn.com/aishaMailing list: AishaElderwyn-subscribeegroupsBeing Sick:

[Guest guest]

Dear Jo,

"I keep going back and reading this because I am just so flabbergasted that you and others seem to be left so alone. I can name several seriously chronically ill friends who have the same kind of support that I have.Maybe it is somehow an age thing. I mean I am twice your age and my long term friends are 20 - 30 years or better duration."

I don't think age has anything to do with it. I know many people in their 50/60's who have walked the same trail. Tis just one of those hands late deals you in order to learn. But it still sucks! *grin*

"This absolutely sickens me. I have so much support, and I joined this list to give positive moral support to others, assuming everyone had the same kind of situation that I am familiar with. I need to digest this. It just is so foreign to me. Makes me feel very uncomfortable and I am not sure why."

I think you are picking up on others pain and sorrow and then feeling perhaps guilty (?) that you have not been through it?? Don't be ok. You are being supportive right now by writing ~ you are reaching out and making a difference in my life. I am so much better of then many - I have a loving and supportive husband, and wonderful parents... many don't even have that. I know lots on this list live on their own and battle each day with illness on their own. I cannot begin to know how they feel.

As I always say, there is always someone better or worse off then you, makes no difference to how you feel. Know you are making a difference in our worlds just by caring and being there for us.

Love A.

*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*Believe that there's a light at the end of the tunnel.Believe that you may be that light for someone else.- Kobi Yamada*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=* Aisha ElderwynICQ 55461955aisha@...http://www.elderwyn.com/aishaMailing list: AishaElderwyn-subscribeegroupsBeing Sick:

[Guest guest]

Tom,so sorry to hear about Dale.I hope since he had no family, his friends from

his group will rally and not let him be forgotten.Elly

" Some people come into our

lives and quickly go.

Others stay awhile,

leaving footprints in our hearts,

and we are never, ever the same. "

Over there we had a death this week of a

man from NC. He only joined them in July and had been stable but got

an infection and went into the resort. Had gone to rehab but passed

very quickly after that. His name was Dale and had no family other

than his " church friends " and those on the breathe board.

Tom (Fuzzy)

[Guest guest]

Tom,so sorry to hear about Dale.I hope since he had no family, his friends from

his group will rally and not let him be forgotten.Elly

" Some people come into our

lives and quickly go.

Others stay awhile,

leaving footprints in our hearts,

and we are never, ever the same. "

Over there we had a death this week of a

man from NC. He only joined them in July and had been stable but got

an infection and went into the resort. Had gone to rehab but passed

very quickly after that. His name was Dale and had no family other

than his " church friends " and those on the breathe board.

Tom (Fuzzy)

[Guest guest]

Tom

Lovely verse and very apt - thanks.

All the best

Joan U.K.

[Guest guest]

Tom

Lovely verse and very apt - thanks.

All the best

Joan U.K.

[Guest guest]

Tom

Lovely verse and very apt - thanks.

All the best

Joan U.K.

[Guest guest]

Sue I so feel for you and wish I could be there right now to give you a hug, give you an ear and have that glass of wine with you. I have 5 siblings, and don't associate with 4 of them. The other 1 I email and have explained my illness and her response was, "but you look fine". That's a classic answer and it just gets to me. I've always been considered the black sheep, and different from my siblings and I have to say, thank goodness for that! They're very cold, uncaring, selfish and can be very malicious people. I basically decided to divorce my family over 10 yrs ago because it was too hard and too much work to always have to prove myself worthy to them. I never did anything right, was "stupid" in their eyes and a "faker". Without getting into details I've lived a very abusive life, which includes my

previous marriage and other relationships. I have an aunt and uncle who I also don't speak to, as they have been told things by my other siblings and I'm sorry but when one assumes what they're told to be truth without exploring the truth then I have no time or ability to handle this any longer. Basically, I only have my wonderful children and soon to be fiance'.

I too have no friends to speak of except once in a while will speak on the phone. None of them want to bother with my illness either and I'm sure some don't believe that one can be in such severe pain 24/7. It can be a very lonely life, which is why I've expressed how wonderful it would be if we lived closer so we could help each other, even if it was just to show a presence or an ear.

I have to say, it was very hard at the beginning when my divorce was new with my siblings. It's gotten easier over the years, however, I still do think about what it would be like to have a relationship with them or see other families where the siblings are so close that I'll get a twinge of hurt. It doesn't last long and I get over it and think about how much worse I could be if I still had a relationship with them.

Just wanted to tell you how much I do understand and sympathize. Alot of us in the group can honestly understand and sympathize with you as many of us are in the same boat as you and yes, it's very difficult until you come to terms with it. Unfortunately, you will probably never have that super relationship that you crave with your mother. You need to realize this and accept it before you can go forward. Doesn't mean you have to cut her off, but handle things differently and accept things differently. I can only say, this is what has worked for me, but it's not easy, as I said.

Please feel free to contact me anytime you feel the need. Hugs to you. H

From: Urbanczyk <featherednst@...>Subject: friends and familydominie Date: Thursday, December 11, 2008, 3:07 PM

There has been all this talk about how friends and family bale on not just us but on those who are in need. We all know the older person who does not get any visits from family and has to get meals on wheels because the community ignores them. I have been so depressed since Thanksgiving because my mother gave me an ultimatum. She had a screaming fit because she does not like the way our relationship is. She wants it to be different and if it does not change she is cutting me off. My mother by the way is not that stable. To reduce stress my DBT therapist has me keep my distance but I am kind to here and we help her a lot. Heck she lives across the street. She never offers to help me,to cook,to clean. She even said she does not come over because "I am always sick". She wants to hear from my

therapist that I am not mentally ill. She does not believe me that I am not mentally ill. She says I lie and she knows me better than anyone and I have not been right since I was a baby. {She does not acknowledge the abuse and says I made it up} If she does not get to go see my therapist she will cut me off. Then just the other day I received an email from a long time friend that she does not want any forwards from me unless I have something personal to say to her or want to get together with her. I had just written her explaining how ill I had been and how sorry I was we could not get together but she was more than welcome to drop by. So I replied to her letter, explaining the Fibro, getting that she must be frustrated and perhaps feel rejected by me. I explained how I hated to be so sick and debilitated and that dealing with my daughter,her doctors,therapists,taking care of my ill father,my clients,horses,my therapies etc barely has me

able to walk. Again I told her that we can sit together here and have a glass of wine and talk.{ To be truthful I don't have energy for that right now. I dread all the social obligations I have coming up before and after Christmas. Not because I don't love people because I am so sick. } I still have not heard back from her. I also found out my brother Doug has been talking about me to my mother behind my back. She, of course feeds him her distorted version of who I am and her made up "truth". He pays little or no attention to me or my daughter and it kills her. His wife does not even acknowledge Nell is alive anymore. Although the whole family showers their little two year old girl with attention and gifts. Including me.I feel so lost and alone. I have kept my mother in my life because she has no one. My brothers do nothing for her and she has no one. I have dealt with her abuse and honed my skills to deal with my past. I care for a

father who loves my mother more than he loves me. I feel like I am running in a nightmare that I cannot wake up from. I swore when living in the house with my parents that I would get out from under the abuse and never return. But look at me. They can no longer touch my body but they touch my life and create havoc and stress. I feel as if I have been carrying them all my life. Now, like I said in that last letter, I cannot carry anymore. What do you do with a mother like this and a brother who does not care about you? It hurts so. It shouldn't but it does. My DBT therapist says I have to go through the stages of Radical Acceptance. One of which is grieving. Since I don't cry much, I better work on that. Always I hear how I have to reduce stress in my life for my illness. This remains my biggest mystery.thanks for listening,Sue

[Guest guest]

Sue...I know first-hand the sadness, the pain, and the devastation these

kinds of relationships can cause. Especially the (destabilised)

mother-daughter relationship. It affects every area of your life. About

a decade ago I bought a small booklet... " Jung for Dummies. " It was

borrowed, and not returned, so I can't refer to it.

But, I recall Jung had had a major breakdown. And his idea was that

those who have been traumatised have a rock that they're crushed upon.

Maybe your mum suffered traumatic childhood events that she's blocked.

And this could be her " rock. " I know my biological mother, and her two

sisters, suffered unimagineable cruelty in their childhoods. My mother

never found a way to get over it!

A long time ago I saw a de Nero film. About a couple, and their

sixteen-year-old daughter. The father was an abusive, chronic alcoholic.

The mother, and daughter suffered. The girl started slapping her mum

around. The police were called, and the mother was advised to place her

daughter in juvenile detention. Later, the horrified mum found out her

daughter was being abused. She spent years legally trying to get her

daughter back. Eventually they were re-united. Through counselling they

learned that the daughter had previously felt " so sorry for herself "

that she had " no sorry " left in her for her mum.

Sue, years later the message in that film hit home...for me! Especially

through my own son. And then I also realised why various family members

(they had had traumatic childhoods) could be unkind or even cruel at

times. Like the young girl in the film. They just didn't have " enough

sorry " left in them. It didn't take away the sadness or the pain. But

it broadened my understanding. I want you to know I'm thinking of you.

'Cause I know how it feels. Loving hugs Carlene

>

>

> There has been all this talk about how friends and family bale on not

just us but on those who are in need. We all know the older person who

does not get any visits from family and has to get meals on wheels

because the community ignores them.

>

> I have been so depressed since Thanksgiving because my mother gave me

an ultimatum. She had a screaming fit because she does not like the way

our relationship is. She wants it to be different and if it does not

change she is cutting me off. My mother by the way is not that stable.

To reduce stress my DBT therapist has me keep my distance but I am kind

to here and we help her a lot. Heck she lives across the street. She

never offers to help me,to cook,to clean. She even said she does not

come over because " I am always sick " . She wants to hear from my

therapist that I am not mentally ill. She does not believe me that I am

not mentally ill. She says I lie and she knows me better than anyone and

I have not been right since I was a baby. {She does not acknowledge the

abuse and says I made it up} If she does not get to go see my therapist

she will cut me off.

>

> Then just the other day I received an email from a long time friend

that she does not want any forwards from me unless I have something

personal to say to her or want to get together with her. I had just

written her explaining how ill I had been and how sorry I was we could

not get together but she was more than welcome to drop by.

>

> So I replied to her letter, explaining the Fibro, getting that she

must be frustrated and perhaps feel rejected by me. I explained how I

hated to be so sick and debilitated and that dealing with my

daughter,her doctors,therapists,taking care of my ill father,my

clients,horses,my therapies etc barely has me able to walk. Again I told

her that we can sit together here and have a glass of wine and talk.{ To

be truthful I don't have energy for that right now. I dread all the

social obligations I have coming up before and after Christmas. Not

because I don't love people because I am so sick. } I still have not

heard back from her.

>

> I also found out my brother Doug has been talking about me to my

mother behind my back. She, of course feeds him her distorted version of

who I am and her made up " truth " . He pays little or no attention to me

or my daughter and it kills her. His wife does not even acknowledge Nell

is alive anymore. Although the whole family showers their little two

year old girl with attention and gifts. Including me.

>

> I feel so lost and alone. I have kept my mother in my life because she

has no one. My brothers do nothing for her and she has no one. I have

dealt with her abuse and honed my skills to deal with my past. I care

for a father who loves my mother more than he loves me.

>

> I feel like I am running in a nightmare that I cannot wake up from. I

swore when living in the house with my parents that I would get out from

under the abuse and never return. But look at me. They can no longer

touch my body but they touch my life and create havoc and stress.

>

> I feel as if I have been carrying them all my life. Now, like I said

in that last letter, I cannot carry anymore. What do you do with a

mother like this and a brother who does not care about you? It hurts so.

It shouldn't but it does. My DBT therapist says I have to go through the

stages of Radical Acceptance. One of which is grieving. Since I don't

cry much, I better work on that. Always I hear how I have to reduce

stress in my life for my illness. This remains my biggest mystery.

>

> thanks for listening,

>

> Sue

>

[Guest guest]

Oh My Sue! Our lives sound so familiar! I get along very well with my Mom though, & I did also with my Dad,he passed away a couple days after Christmas in 1994,at the age of 56. My ONLY sibling that truly loved me & I got along with,was killed in a train/car wreck July 3rd 1990. I,of all people haha,had to do EVERYTHING! As you can imagine,my Mother was out of her mind & could barely function. But,I have a brother & his wife,who are Horrid to me,my Mom (His Mom) & my Niece Lena,who is my sisters daughter that she had to leave behind at the age of 7 1/2,when she was killed. I could get into Soooo many stories about both sides of my family & a few,so called,friends but you all would be here forever! My moms side of the family,who would be 3 of my Aunts are

plain EVIL to my Mom,me,lena & was to my sister,Debbie who was killed. They had the nerve to come to her funeral & CRY! It made me ill! But they ALL make fun of me. 60,70 yr old women! I'm 40! Their niece! They think my illness is a big put on (I wish!) because their theory is,"Well,now how would she ever get a thing like that!" Like it's something you can catch haha! But,for me,it boils down to,"THEY" have the problem! We can only change the things possible, the others,we truly have to let go. One way or the other,let go. Find your peace & frankly,realize that you are worth more than that! I know it has to be awful for it to be your mother & I also wonder if she may need some major mental help (I'm not saying that to be mean at all) but she is human. There is nothing written in stone that our Mother,Father,Siblings,etc...HAVE to love us as we need or that we have to return the love. We have to face & endure so much crap in this

life! Sometimes we need to put ourselves ahead of others,no matter what they feel or think of us. We know we've done nothing wrong. So that's where the balance needs to begin. Pros & Cons,your needs & their needs. I think you're worth so much more and if I could hug you,I would as well. Take care dear friend,Pam.S

ps. If you'd like me to make you a special T-Shirt,etc...with your very own message on it, to all of them,I gladly will! haha!! Love,Pam

MANY Fibromyalgia Awareness Items!

Please Visit My Store at= http://www.zazzle.com/pammys*

New Items Created Daily & Many Great Sales! Thanks so much! Pam

[Guest guest]

Unfortunately our families are not so nice. When you spoke of your aunts going to the funeral and literally cried, it brought back memories of when my dad passed away. At the time he lived in No. Carolina and I am in So. FL. Out of the six kids I was the only one that always had a relationship with my father and they positiviely hated the fact that I did. I was supposed to agree and do all of what my family told me I was to do and nothing else period, no if's and's or buts. When my father passed I of course drove there to attend the funeral and stay with my step mother for about a week. Wouldn't you know, my 5 siblings came and

stayed in a hotel. I was the only one invited to stay at the house. After his funeral, I went back to the house and all 5 of my siblings were sitting in the living room of my fathers house, going through his massive collection of coins and his other stuff. I couldn't believe my eyes! They all sat in the back of the church, never spoke to him and all they came for was his things. I was so disgusted that I went into the room and cried. All I wanted was my father, oh how I loved him. Not a tear was shed out of any of their eyes and all I did was ball. I didn't have a relationship with my siblings then and I still don't to this day. I've always been called the black sheep and thank goodness I am! I would hate to be like them, so uncaring and very materialistic. Even when my mother passed, I was 9 months pregnant and they were all going through her stuff right away as well. I just

didn't understand it.

You are very fortunate to have such a wonderful relationship with your mother. I had a decent one but had to be very careful on what words I chose to use when around her. I respected her greatly...how she raised six kids on her own is beyond me. I raised two on my own and that was very difficult.

Thanks for letting me get out some of my feelings. This group is so wonderful to be able to just be ourselves and vent. Hugs H

From: P J <ps1968pm@...>Subject: Re: friends and familydominie Date: Friday, December 12, 2008, 4:10 AM

Oh My Sue! Our lives sound so familiar! I get along very well with my Mom though, & I did also with my Dad,he passed away a couple days after Christmas in 1994,at the age of 56. My ONLY sibling that truly loved me & I got along with,was killed in a train/car wreck July 3rd 1990. I,of all people haha,had to do EVERYTHING! As you can imagine,my Mother was out of her mind & could barely function. But,I have a brother & his wife,who are Horrid to me,my Mom (His Mom) & my Niece Lena,who is my sisters daughter that she had to leave behind at the age of 7 1/2,when she was killed. I could get into Soooo many stories about both sides of my family & a few,so called,friends but you all would be here forever! My moms side of the family,who would be 3 of my Aunts are plain EVIL to my Mom,me,lena & was to my sister,Debbie who was killed. They had the nerve to come to her funeral & CRY! It made me ill! But they ALL make fun of me.

60,70 yr old women! I'm 40! Their niece! They think my illness is a big put on (I wish!) because their theory is,"Well,now how would she ever get a thing like that!" Like it's something you can catch haha! But,for me,it boils down to,"THEY" have the problem! We can only change the things possible, the others,we truly have to let go. One way or the other,let go. Find your peace & frankly,realize that you are worth more than that! I know it has to be awful for it to be your mother & I also wonder if she may need some major mental help (I'm not saying that to be mean at all) but she is human. There is nothing written in stone that our Mother,Father, Siblings, etc...HAVE to love us as we need or that we have to return the love. We have to face & endure so much crap in this life! Sometimes we need to put ourselves ahead of others,no matter what they feel or think of us. We know we've done nothing wrong. So that's where the balance needs to

begin. Pros & Cons,your needs & their needs. I think you're worth so much more and if I could hug you,I would as well. Take care dear friend,Pam.S

ps. If you'd like me to make you a special T-Shirt,etc. ..with your very own message on it, to all of them,I gladly will! haha!! Love,Pam

MANY Fibromyalgia Awareness Items!

Please Visit My Store at= http://www.zazzle. com/pammys*

New Items Created Daily & Many Great Sales! Thanks so much! Pam

[Guest guest]

Sue, you aren't alone--you have all of us, and we understand almost everything about you without you even having to tell us. Regarding your mother's distorted view of you and your life, maybe it would do her some good to actually talk to your therapist. Perhaps your therapist can explain things to her in plain language that your mother will listen to and even understand.

I know this must be causing you so much emotional pain, something you don't need when you have to deal with too much physical pain. Talk to your therapist about it and see what he or she thinks about talking to your mother.

Pam

friends and family

There has been all this talk about how friends and family bale on not just us but on those who are in need. We all know the older person who does not get any visits from family and has to get meals on wheels because the community ignores them. I have been so depressed since Thanksgiving because my mother gave me an ultimatum. She had a screaming fit because she does not like the way our relationship is. She wants it to be different and if it does not change she is cutting me off. My mother by the way is not that stable. To reduce stress my DBT therapist has me keep my distance but I am kind to here and we help her a lot. Heck she lives across the street. She never offers to help me,to cook,to clean. She even said she does not come over because "I am always sick". She wants to hear from my therapist that I am not mentally ill. She does not believe me that I am not mentally ill. She says I lie and she knows me better than anyone and I have not been right since I was a baby. {She does not acknowledge the abuse and says I made it up} If she does not get to go see my therapist she will cut me off. Then just the other day I received an email from a long time friend that she does not want any forwards from me unless I have something personal to say to her or want to get together with her. I had just written her explaining how ill I had been and how sorry I was we could not get together but she was more than welcome to drop by. So I replied to her letter, explaining the Fibro, getting that she must be frustrated and perhaps feel rejected by me. I explained how I hated to be so sick and debilitated and that dealing with my daughter,her doctors,therapists,taking care of my ill father,my clients,horses,my therapies etc barely has me able to walk. Again I told her that we can sit together here and have a glass of wine and talk.{ To be truthful I don't have energy for that right now. I dread all the social obligations I have coming up before and after Christmas. Not because I don't love people because I am so sick. } I still have not heard back from her. I also found out my brother Doug has been talking about me to my mother behind my back. She, of course feeds him her distorted version of who I am and her made up "truth". He pays little or no attention to me or my daughter and it kills her. His wife does not even acknowledge Nell is alive anymore. Although the whole family showers their little two year old girl with attention and gifts. Including me.I feel so lost and alone. I have kept my mother in my life because she has no one. My brothers do nothing for her and she has no one. I have dealt with her abuse and honed my skills to deal with my past. I care for a father who loves my mother more than he loves me. I feel like I am running in a nightmare that I cannot wake up from. I swore when living in the house with my parents that I would get out from under the abuse and never return. But look at me. They can no longer touch my body but they touch my life and create havoc and stress. I feel as if I have been carrying them all my life. Now, like I said in that last letter, I cannot carry anymore. What do you do with a mother like this and a brother who does not care about you? It hurts so. It shouldn't but it does. My DBT therapist says I have to go through the stages of Radical Acceptance. One of which is grieving. Since I don't cry much, I better work on that. Always I hear how I have to reduce stress in my life for my illness. This remains my biggest mystery.thanks for listening,Sue

[Guest guest]

Amen to that Pam, we're all here for you Sue. Hugs to you. H

From: Pam Horne <pmarshall@...>Subject: Re: friends and familydominie Date: Friday, December 12, 2008, 9:24 PM

Sue, you aren't alone--you have all of us, and we understand almost everything about you without you even having to tell us. Regarding your mother's distorted view of you and your life, maybe it would do her some good to actually talk to your therapist. Perhaps your therapist can explain things to her in plain language that your mother will listen to and even understand.

I know this must be causing you so much emotional pain, something you don't need when you have to deal with too much physical pain. Talk to your therapist about it and see what he or she thinks about talking to your mother.

Pam

friends and family

There has been all this talk about how friends and family bale on not just us but on those who are in need. We all know the older person who does not get any visits from family and has to get meals on wheels because the community ignores them. I have been so depressed since Thanksgiving because my mother gave me an ultimatum. She had a screaming fit because she does not like the way our relationship is. She wants it to be different and if it does not change she is cutting me off. My mother by the way is not that stable. To reduce stress my DBT therapist has me keep my distance but I am kind to here and we help her a lot. Heck she lives across the street. She never offers to help me,to cook,to clean. She even said she does not come over because "I am always sick". She wants to hear from my

therapist that I am not mentally ill. She does not believe me that I am not mentally ill. She says I lie and she knows me better than anyone and I have not been right since I was a baby. {She does not acknowledge the abuse and says I made it up} If she does not get to go see my therapist she will cut me off. Then just the other day I received an email from a long time friend that she does not want any forwards from me unless I have something personal to say to her or want to get together with her. I had just written her explaining how ill I had been and how sorry I was we could not get together but she was more than welcome to drop by. So I replied to her letter, explaining the Fibro, getting that she must be frustrated and perhaps feel rejected by me. I explained how I hated to be so sick and debilitated and that dealing with my daughter,her doctors,therapists, taking care of my ill father,my clients,horses, my therapies etc barely has

me able to walk. Again I told her that we can sit together here and have a glass of wine and talk.{ To be truthful I don't have energy for that right now. I dread all the social obligations I have coming up before and after Christmas. Not because I don't love people because I am so sick. } I still have not heard back from her. I also found out my brother Doug has been talking about me to my mother behind my back. She, of course feeds him her distorted version of who I am and her made up "truth". He pays little or no attention to me or my daughter and it kills her. His wife does not even acknowledge Nell is alive anymore. Although the whole family showers their little two year old girl with attention and gifts. Including me.I feel so lost and alone. I have kept my mother in my life because she has no one. My brothers do nothing for her and she has no one. I have dealt with her abuse and honed my skills to deal with my past. I care for a

father who loves my mother more than he loves me. I feel like I am running in a nightmare that I cannot wake up from. I swore when living in the house with my parents that I would get out from under the abuse and never return. But look at me. They can no longer touch my body but they touch my life and create havoc and stress. I feel as if I have been carrying them all my life. Now, like I said in that last letter, I cannot carry anymore. What do you do with a mother like this and a brother who does not care about you? It hurts so. It shouldn't but it does. My DBT therapist says I have to go through the stages of Radical Acceptance. One of which is grieving. Since I don't cry much, I better work on that. Always I hear how I have to reduce stress in my life for my illness. This remains my biggest mystery.thanks for listening,Sue

[Guest guest]

Thank you Pam, aready done. She doubts it will work but we will do it after the holidays. I did not want to take that on right now. My therapist is very skillful {DBT is a fabulous program} and my mother will not be able to get to her. Whether or not Debra can make mother see anything who knows. I am not sure I can take on another persons inner quest. Especially hers. Sounds terrible I know but my daughter and my husband and yes myself need me the most now.

Nice to get the computer back. We had a terrible ice storm ad we lost phone and internet. I am counting my blessings though. Over 200 thousand people in Maine are without power still and it is COLD.

Big hugs to you Pam and you . I am so glad to have you as my friends. {PS. Pam, hugs to your mom too. I hope she is doing better.}

Sue

From: Pam Horne <pmarshallnc (DOT) rr.com>Subject: Re: friends and familydominie@groups .comDate: Friday, December 12, 2008, 9:24 PM

Sue, you aren't alone--you have all of us, and we understand almost everything about you without you even having to tell us. Regarding your mother's distorted view of you and your life, maybe it would do her some good to actually talk to your therapist. Perhaps your therapist can explain things to her in plain language that your mother will listen to and even understand.

I know this must be causing you so much emotional pain, something you don't need when you have to deal with too much physical pain. Talk to your therapist about it and see what he or she thinks about talking to your mother.

Pam

friends and family

There has been all this talk about how friends and family bale on not just us but on those who are in need. We all know the older person who does not get any visits from family and has to get meals on wheels because the community ignores them. I have been so depressed since Thanksgiving because my mother gave me an ultimatum. She had a screaming fit because she does not like the way our relationship is. She wants it to be different and if it does not change she is cutting me off. My mother by the way is not that stable. To reduce stress my DBT therapist has me keep my distance but I am kind to here and we help her a lot. Heck she lives across the street. She never offers to help me,to cook,to clean. She even said she does not come over because "I am always sick". She wants to hear from my

therapist that I am not mentally ill. She does not believe me that I am not mentally ill. She says I lie and she knows me better than anyone and I have not been right since I was a baby. {She does not acknowledge the abuse and says I made it up} If she does not get to go see my therapist she will cut me off. Then just the other day I received an email from a long time friend that she does not want any forwards from me unless I have something personal to say to her or want to get together with her. I had just written her explaining how ill I had been and how sorry I was we could not get together but she was more than welcome to drop by. So I replied to her letter, explaining the Fibro, getting that she must be frustrated and perhaps feel rejected by me. I explained how I hated to be so sick and debilitated and that dealing with my daughter,her doctors,therapists, taking care of my ill father,my clients,horses, my therapies etc barely has

me able to walk. Again I told her that we can sit together here and have a glass of wine and talk.{ To be truthful I don't have energy for that right now. I dread all the social obligations I have coming up before and after Christmas. Not because I don't love people because I am so sick. } I still have not heard back from her. I also found out my brother Doug has been talking about me to my mother behind my back. She, of course feeds him her distorted version of who I am and her made up "truth". He pays little or no attention to me or my daughter and it kills her. His wife does not even acknowledge Nell is alive anymore. Although the whole family showers their little two year old girl with attention and gifts. Including me.I feel so lost and alone. I have kept my mother in my life because she has no one. My brothers do nothing for her and she has no one. I have dealt with her abuse and honed my skills to deal with my past. I care for a

father who loves my mother more than he loves me. I feel like I am running in a nightmare that I cannot wake up from. I swore when living in the house with my parents that I would get out from under the abuse and never return. But look at me. They can no longer touch my body but they touch my life and create havoc and stress. I feel as if I have been carrying them all my life. Now, like I said in that last letter, I cannot carry anymore. What do you do with a mother like this and a brother who does not care about you? It hurts so. It shouldn't but it does. My DBT therapist says I have to go through the stages of Radical Acceptance. One of which is grieving. Since I don't cry much, I better work on that. Always I hear how I have to reduce stress in my life for my illness. This remains my biggest mystery.thanks for listening,Sue

[Guest guest]

Sue, I'm glad you are making the arrangments to have your mom talk to your therapist. I think that might be just what she needs--an authoritative-type person telling her what you've been trying to tell her all along. I will say prayers for you.

I heard about the terrible ice storm in the northeast--I have family in New Hampshire and Massachusetts. And I know what it's like to lose electricity during times like that. A few years ago we had a huge ice storm here; I was without power for 5 days. I thought I was going to freeze, but I wouldn't leave my cats and dogs alone in my home, so I stayed with them, we were all huddled around the gas logs for the whole 5 days. I'm glad you got your electricity back.

We've got two Pams on this board (with over 400 members, I'm surprised it's not more). PJ Pam--who sometimes signs her posts "Pam S"--is the one with the ill mother. I'm Pam Horne (my mother went home to Jesus 7 years ago). I'll start signing my posts "Pam H" so we can try to keep it straight.

Pam. Horne.

friends and family

There has been all this talk about how friends and family bale on not just us but on those who are in need. We all know the older person who does not get any visits from family and has to get meals on wheels because the community ignores them. I have been so depressed since Thanksgiving because my mother gave me an ultimatum. She had a screaming fit because she does not like the way our relationship is. She wants it to be different and if it does not change she is cutting me off. My mother by the way is not that stable. To reduce stress my DBT therapist has me keep my distance but I am kind to here and we help her a lot. Heck she lives across the street. She never offers to help me,to cook,to clean. She even said she does not come over because "I am always sick". She wants to hear from my therapist that I am not mentally ill. She does not believe me that I am not mentally ill. She says I lie and she knows me better than anyone and I have not been right since I was a baby. {She does not acknowledge the abuse and says I made it up} If she does not get to go see my therapist she will cut me off. Then just the other day I received an email from a long time friend that she does not want any forwards from me unless I have something personal to say to her or want to get together with her. I had just written her explaining how ill I had been and how sorry I was we could not get together but she was more than welcome to drop by. So I replied to her letter, explaining the Fibro, getting that she must be frustrated and perhaps feel rejected by me. I explained how I hated to be so sick and debilitated and that dealing with my daughter,her doctors,therapists, taking care of my ill father,my clients,horses, my therapies etc barely has me able to walk. Again I told her that we can sit together here and have a glass of wine and talk.{ To be truthful I don't have energy for that right now. I dread all the social obligations I have coming up before and after Christmas. Not because I don't love people because I am so sick. } I still have not heard back from her. I also found out my brother Doug has been talking about me to my mother behind my back. She, of course feeds him her distorted version of who I am and her made up "truth". He pays little or no attention to me or my daughter and it kills her. His wife does not even acknowledge Nell is alive anymore. Although the whole family showers their little two year old girl with attention and gifts. Including me.I feel so lost and alone. I have kept my mother in my life because she has no one. My brothers do nothing for her and she has no one. I have dealt with her abuse and honed my skills to deal with my past. I care for a father who loves my mother more than he loves me. I feel like I am running in a nightmare that I cannot wake up from. I swore when living in the house with my parents that I would get out from under the abuse and never return. But look at me. They can no longer touch my body but they touch my life and create havoc and stress. I feel as if I have been carrying them all my life. Now, like I said in that last letter, I cannot carry anymore. What do you do with a mother like this and a brother who does not care about you? It hurts so. It shouldn't but it does. My DBT therapist says I have to go through the stages of Radical Acceptance. One of which is grieving. Since I don't cry much, I better work on that. Always I hear how I have to reduce stress in my life for my illness. This remains my biggest mystery.thanks for listening,Sue

[Guest guest]

Hello Pam,

Thank you for your input and kind words. Never say never in a situation. I do know that I will no longer allow her her toxic behaviour to taint my life and ad stress. If she thinks that by giving me this ultimatium will bully me back, she does not know how far I have come. If this illness is teaching me anything {and I acknowledge I have been stubborn} you have to arrange your life so it works in all ways. It is a huge undertaking but I am taking on things I never would have and being grateful for the wonderful things I have. That does not mean that depression during the depths of pain and exhaustion does not grip me,it does but I think it is because I still hold on to the way it was.

Not living in the present,working toward my goals for the future. All I can say is I am glad I have everyone here. So iften someone says something that has my smile or take a deep breath and go on or just not feel so lonely. It is a wonderful group. Glad you are here.

Icy Maine hugs,

Sue

From: Pam Horne <pmarshallnc (DOT) rr.com>Subject: Re: friends and familydominie@groups .comDate: Friday, December 12, 2008, 9:24 PM

Sue, you aren't alone--you have all of us, and we understand almost everything about you without you even having to tell us. Regarding your mother's distorted view of you and your life, maybe it would do her some good to actually talk to your therapist. Perhaps your therapist can explain things to her in plain language that your mother will listen to and even understand.

I know this must be causing you so much emotional pain, something you don't need when you have to deal with too much physical pain. Talk to your therapist about it and see what he or she thinks about talking to your mother.

Pam

friends and family

There has been all this talk about how friends and family bale on not just us but on those who are in need. We all know the older person who does not get any visits from family and has to get meals on wheels because the community ignores them. I have been so depressed since Thanksgiving because my mother gave me an ultimatum. She had a screaming fit because she does not like the way our relationship is. She wants it to be different and if it does not change she is cutting me off. My mother by the way is not that stable. To reduce stress my DBT therapist has me keep my distance but I am kind to here and we help her a lot. Heck she lives across the street. She never offers to help me,to cook,to clean. She even said she does not come over because "I am always sick". She wants to hear from my

therapist that I am not mentally ill. She does not believe me that I am not mentally ill. She says I lie and she knows me better than anyone and I have not been right since I was a baby. {She does not acknowledge the abuse and says I made it up} If she does not get to go see my therapist she will cut me off. Then just the other day I received an email from a long time friend that she does not want any forwards from me unless I have something personal to say to her or want to get together with her. I had just written her explaining how ill I had been and how sorry I was we could not get together but she was more than welcome to drop by. So I replied to her letter, explaining the Fibro, getting that she must be frustrated and perhaps feel rejected by me. I explained how I hated to be so sick and debilitated and that dealing with my daughter,her doctors,therapists, taking care of my ill father,my clients,horses, my therapies etc barely has

me able to walk. Again I told her that we can sit together here and have a glass of wine and talk.{ To be truthful I don't have energy for that right now. I dread all the social obligations I have coming up before and after Christmas. Not because I don't love people because I am so sick. } I still have not heard back from her. I also found out my brother Doug has been talking about me to my mother behind my back. She, of course feeds him her distorted version of who I am and her made up "truth". He pays little or no attention to me or my daughter and it kills her. His wife does not even acknowledge Nell is alive anymore. Although the whole family showers their little two year old girl with attention and gifts. Including me.I feel so lost and alone. I have kept my mother in my life because she has no one. My brothers do nothing for her and she has no one. I have dealt with her abuse and honed my skills to deal with my past. I care for a

father who loves my mother more than he loves me. I feel like I am running in a nightmare that I cannot wake up from. I swore when living in the house with my parents that I would get out from under the abuse and never return. But look at me. They can no longer touch my body but they touch my life and create havoc and stress. I feel as if I have been carrying them all my life. Now, like I said in that last letter, I cannot carry anymore. What do you do with a mother like this and a brother who does not care about you? It hurts so. It shouldn't but it does. My DBT therapist says I have to go through the stages of Radical Acceptance. One of which is grieving. Since I don't cry much, I better work on that. Always I hear how I have to reduce stress in my life for my illness. This remains my biggest mystery.thanks for listening,Sue