Re: Wonderful advice - Pleasers

[Guest guest]

Some concepts come to mind...like " boundaries " and " self-respect. "

Interpersonal stress is one of the worst kinds for our FMS/CFIDS

condition. We have to balance the personal sacrifices we make with

whether or not they will be appreciated, and also with our personal

level of comfort for how we treat other people. Family life can get

so complicated. I try to keep a loving atmosphere, but there are

people who frankly don't deserve it (and they actually disrespect you

for the sacrifices you make). On the other hand, there are plenty of

people in our communities and world who are going through hard times

and I don't mind sacrificing for them - not a bit. It is an vital

part of my Christianity to be available for those who have true need,

especially if I can help in some way. But for people who just take

advantage, show no respect or concern for my well-being, well, I just

can't get too excited about that. I think we need to have a healthy

level of self-respect in order for others to value and respect us.

And we need healthy boundaries too in our relationships. There's a

book I read 20 years ago called THE PLEASERS by Lehman, I

believe. Back then I had a real bad case of trying to please

everyone - just couldn't say NO. The book pulled me to the other

direction for awhile, but now I am at a healthy balance in my life

with this...finally. - Dom

>

> Stacie,

> I am at a crossroads with my illness. This is the sickest I have

ever been. I either get better or it is a slide downhill to bedridden

and the loss of all my dreams and loves. If someone does not love me

then why should I keep them in my life, heck if they don't like me.

Is that not insanity?

> Thank you again for all your advice and wisdom. You cannot imagine

how much it means to me.

>  

> Many hugs,

> Sue

[Guest guest]

Dom,

I am working on this in DBT. I am what is called the "Caretaker". It was what I was raised to be. I never even thought I was doing it. Until being ill and having to take assessment of my life. It seems most painful to look at your family members and realize that for your whole existence with them it has been nothing but you in the caretaker role. Painful lesson. So as I said before, this year, the sickest I have ever been has been a reality check for me. I have taken on the simplification of my life. In doing that it means that I have to get out of the victim triangle (being a caretaker is part of that triangle) and create my life as you did. How I want my life to be with my husband. If I am not wanted or loved beyond what I can do or provide then I need to create my life with people who love me. Does not matter if they share my DNA or not. Family is what you say it is. I struggle but I am

moving in the right direction.

You are an inspiration. I always feel honored when you reply to one of my emails. Thank you for the book reference. I will pick it up and read it.

Merry Christmas.

Hugs,

Sue

From: Dominie Bush <dombush@...>Subject: Re: Wonderful advice - Pleasersdominie Date: Wednesday, December 17, 2008, 1:07 AM

Some concepts come to mind...like "boundaries" and "self-respect. " Interpersonal stress is one of the worst kinds for our FMS/CFIDS condition. We have to balance the personal sacrifices we make with whether or not they will be appreciated, and also with our personal level of comfort for how we treat other people. Family life can get so complicated. I try to keep a loving atmosphere, but there are people who frankly don't deserve it (and they actually disrespect you for the sacrifices you make). On the other hand, there are plenty of people in our communities and world who are going through hard times and I don't mind sacrificing for them - not a bit. It is an vital part of my Christianity to be available for those who have true need, especially if I can help in some way. But for people who just take advantage, show no respect or concern for my well-being, well, I just can't get too excited about

that. I think we need to have a healthy level of self-respect in order for others to value and respect us. And we need healthy boundaries too in our relationships. There's a book I read 20 years ago called THE PLEASERS by Lehman, I believe. Back then I had a real bad case of trying to please everyone - just couldn't say NO. The book pulled me to the other direction for awhile, but now I am at a healthy balance in my life with this...finally. - Dom>> Stacie,> I am at a crossroads with my illness. This is the sickest I have ever been. I either get better or it is a slide downhill to bedridden and the loss of all my dreams and loves. If someone does not love me then why should I keep them in my life, heck if they don't like

me. Is that not insanity?> Thank you again for all your advice and wisdom. You cannot imagine how much it means to me.> > Many hugs,> Sue

[Guest guest]

As I've stated before, I divorced my family over 10 years ago and mentally have never felt better. I was being mentally abused by my husband, then a boyfriend was physically and mentally abusing me, and my family was mentally, and finally came to terms after trying so hard to make everything right with them, always bending over backwards, but could never do anything right with them. For years I always wondered what was wrong with me that everyone was so abusive and kept trying so hard to please everyone, but that never worked either. I realized that nothing would ever be right with my siblings and I could never make them happy regardless, so I divorced my husband, but ended up in a similar relationship only with physical abuse added. Took that for 3 yrs and finally "got right mentally" and broke it off with the boyfriend

and divorced my family and have never been happier. Don't get me wrong, there are times when I think about my siblings and do miss having a family, but family is what you make it and it doesn't have to be through DNA. Of course, since I divorced my family they stopping even trying to see my children, which has hurt also, but if they don't see what they do wrong, then I believe my children are also better off with them.

You are all my family and I thank everyone trully. I trully hope that you have a wonderful Christmas with your family and will be thinking of you. If it's too much stress and you are treated to the verbal bashings, then I think you know what you will have to do.

Take care of yourself, your wonderful child and husband and know that we're all here for you. Hugs to you. H

From: Dominie Bush <dombushbellsouth (DOT) net>Subject: Re: Wonderful advice - Pleasersdominie@groups .comDate: Wednesday, December 17, 2008, 1:07 AM

Some concepts come to mind...like "boundaries" and "self-respect. " Interpersonal stress is one of the worst kinds for our FMS/CFIDS condition. We have to balance the personal sacrifices we make with whether or not they will be appreciated, and also with our personal level of comfort for how we treat other people. Family life can get so complicated. I try to keep a loving atmosphere, but there are people who frankly don't deserve it (and they actually disrespect you for the sacrifices you make). On the other hand, there are plenty of people in our communities and world who are going through hard times and I don't mind sacrificing for them - not a bit. It is an vital part of my Christianity to be available for those who have true need, especially if I can help in some way. But for people who just take advantage, show no respect or concern for my well-being, well, I just can't get too excited about

that. I think we need to have a healthy level of self-respect in order for others to value and respect us. And we need healthy boundaries too in our relationships. There's a book I read 20 years ago called THE PLEASERS by Lehman, I believe. Back then I had a real bad case of trying to please everyone - just couldn't say NO. The book pulled me to the other direction for awhile, but now I am at a healthy balance in my life with this...finally. - Dom>> Stacie,> I am at a crossroads with my illness. This is the sickest I have ever been. I either get better or it is a slide downhill to bedridden and the loss of all my dreams and loves. If someone does

not love me then why should I keep them in my life, heck if they don't like me. Is that not insanity?> Thank you again for all your advice and wisdom. You cannot imagine how much it means to me.> > Many hugs,> Sue

[Guest guest]

,

Thank you so much. Like you first marriage was abusive. I did not make that mistake a second time. Nor did I make the mistakes my mother made with me and continue too, with my daughter. I now have to show her a woman who willnot allow others to walk on her. A woman who values herself and her life, health and those who do love her beyond "being good".

Your words always ring true, as if we have lived almost the same lives. Thank you for being my friend.

hugs,

Sue

From: Dominie Bush <dombushbellsouth (DOT) net>Subject: Re: Wonderful advice - Pleasersdominie@groups .comDate: Wednesday, December 17, 2008, 1:07 AM

Some concepts come to mind...like "boundaries" and "self-respect. " Interpersonal stress is one of the worst kinds for our FMS/CFIDS condition. We have to balance the personal sacrifices we make with whether or not they will be appreciated, and also with our personal level of comfort for how we treat other people. Family life can get so complicated. I try to keep a loving atmosphere, but there are people who frankly don't deserve it (and they actually disrespect you for the sacrifices you make). On the other hand, there are plenty of people in our communities and world who are going through hard times and I don't mind sacrificing for them - not a bit. It is an vital part of my Christianity to be available for those who have true need, especially if I can help in some way. But for people who just take advantage, show no respect or concern for my well-being, well, I just can't get too excited about

that. I think we need to have a healthy level of self-respect in order for others to value and respect us. And we need healthy boundaries too in our relationships. There's a book I read 20 years ago called THE PLEASERS by Lehman, I believe. Back then I had a real bad case of trying to please everyone - just couldn't say NO. The book pulled me to the other direction for awhile, but now I am at a healthy balance in my life with this...finally. - Dom>> Stacie,> I am at a crossroads with my illness. This is the sickest I have ever been. I either get better or it is a slide downhill to bedridden and the loss of all my dreams and loves. If someone does not love me then why should I keep them

in my life, heck if they don't like me. Is that not insanity?> Thank you again for all your advice and wisdom. You cannot imagine how much it means to me.> > Many hugs,> Sue

[Guest guest]

Sue, I didn't get mentally right until I was 40 and then refused to date until 43 when I met my current boyfriend, and even then I told him I wasn't ready. I've been with him all this time, no verball or physical abuse, nothing. Treats me like I should be treated. I've learned over the years that I was a people pleasure and thought I could save everyone, that's the caregiver coming out. Instead of being able to help the abusers, they would get worse and over time I learner this, well the same thing goes for the family. When I couldn't do anymore and had to say no, well, that was it. How dare I say no, you don't say no to us! And on it went. Our lives are very parallel as is alot of us in the group.

I wish you the best of luck with your family. Please keep me/us posted on how it went and how you're doing, ok please? Hugs to you H

From: Dominie Bush <dombushbellsouth (DOT) net>Subject: Re: Wonderful advice - Pleasersdominie@groups .comDate: Wednesday, December 17, 2008, 1:07 AM

Some concepts come to mind...like "boundaries" and "self-respect. " Interpersonal stress is one of the worst kinds for our FMS/CFIDS condition. We have to balance the personal sacrifices we make with whether or not they will be appreciated, and also with our personal level of comfort for how we treat other people. Family life can get so complicated. I try to keep a loving atmosphere, but there are people who frankly don't deserve it (and they actually disrespect you for the sacrifices you make). On the other hand, there are plenty of people in our communities and world who are going through hard times and I don't mind sacrificing for them - not a bit. It is an vital part of my Christianity to be available for those who have true need, especially if I can help in some way. But for people who just take advantage, show no respect or concern for my well-being, well, I just can't get too excited about

that. I think we need to have a healthy level of self-respect in order for others to value and respect us. And we need healthy boundaries too in our relationships. There's a book I read 20 years ago called THE PLEASERS by Lehman, I believe. Back then I had a real bad case of trying to please everyone - just couldn't say NO. The book pulled me to the other direction for awhile, but now I am at a healthy balance in my life with this...finally. - Dom>> Stacie,> I am at a crossroads with my illness. This is the sickest I have ever been. I either get better or it is a slide downhill to bedridden and the loss of all my dreams and loves. If someone does not love me then why should I keep them

in my life, heck if they don't like me. Is that not insanity?> Thank you again for all your advice and wisdom. You cannot imagine how much it means to me.> > Many hugs,> Sue

[Guest guest]

I have had many experiences with verbal & physical abuse. And as you felt , I've spent MANY years trying to figure out what is wrong with "Me"! Why are my aunts so nice to my cousins but not me?? Then I grew up & still was wondering? It is so very painful and especially when you're a child,I feel,because you don't understand peoples actions like you do,or mostly do,when you're a adult. So, that is one of the big reasons I went to college to be a counselor. Sooo many things became clearer! Just because someone is blood may not mean the same to them as it does to us. We are our own person. I think what becomes confusing, is just that. Thinking that they think & feel like we do,and they simply do not. Somewhere between nature & nurture something changed us all

into who we are today. Most of the time,yes,our parents,siblings,etc...share our same views but there are the times when experiences in life change one of us and that's where we split.

It really does help to sit down & actually write down,in black and white,the pros and cons of our relationships. You can then "See" the differences and possibly see that "You" are "NOT" the one who has faulted. Then you have to make a true decision that "YOU" can "TRULY" live with. A true stress management change in your life. Can you cut everyone off and it will "TRULY" not cause you more stress? Can you deal with still communicating with them without you paying the price through stress & illness? That is what you have to did down deep & decide. And then stick to it. Of course,we'll have our sad thoughts about either decision,but which will benefit "YOU" the most. If you can't tell everyone how you truly feel,before you make your final decision,write them a letter. And honestly,you have to truly stop worrying about what others think of you! Clearly, that's their problem! Don't make it yours! We have enough problems!! And even between a

man & woman,don't confuse hate with jealousy. I hope this helped a little bit. Take care all!! Pam.S

MANY Unique Fibromyalgia Awareness Items Created Daily!

Many Great Sales!! Please Visit My Store at= http://www.zazzle.com/pammys* We can stand strong TOGETHER and FIGHT!!!! Thanks!! Pam

[Guest guest]

Thank you Pam for the lovely insight...it all makes alot of sense. It's still hurtful though but we plunge forward. Family matters are very much a part of my FMS, that I have no doubt. Thanks again. H

From: P J <ps1968pm@...>Subject: Re: Re: Wonderful advice - Pleasersdominie Date: Thursday, December 18, 2008, 11:12 AM

I have had many experiences with verbal & physical abuse. And as you felt , I've spent MANY years trying to figure out what is wrong with "Me"! Why are my aunts so nice to my cousins but not me?? Then I grew up & still was wondering? It is so very painful and especially when you're a child,I feel,because you don't understand peoples actions like you do,or mostly do,when you're a adult. So, that is one of the big reasons I went to college to be a counselor. Sooo many things became clearer! Just because someone is blood may not mean the same to them as it does to us. We are our own person. I think what becomes confusing, is just that. Thinking that they think & feel like we do,and they simply do not. Somewhere between nature & nurture something changed us all into who we are today. Most of the time,yes,our parents,siblings, etc...share our same views but there are the times when experiences in life change one of us and that's

where we split.

It really does help to sit down & actually write down,in black and white,the pros and cons of our relationships. You can then "See" the differences and possibly see that "You" are "NOT" the one who has faulted. Then you have to make a true decision that "YOU" can "TRULY" live with. A true stress management change in your life. Can you cut everyone off and it will "TRULY" not cause you more stress? Can you deal with still communicating with them without you paying the price through stress & illness? That is what you have to did down deep & decide. And then stick to it. Of course,we'll have our sad thoughts about either decision,but which will benefit "YOU" the most. If you can't tell everyone how you truly feel,before you make your final decision,write them a letter. And honestly,you have to truly stop worrying about what others think of you! Clearly, that's their problem! Don't make it yours! We have enough problems!! And even between a

man & woman,don't confuse hate with jealousy. I hope this helped a little bit. Take care all!! Pam.S

MANY Unique Fibromyalgia Awareness Items Created Daily!

Many Great Sales!! Please Visit My Store at= http://www.zazzle. com/pammys* We can stand strong TOGETHER and FIGHT!!!! Thanks!! Pam