Re: carleene and karen

[Guest guest]

You know Sue I completely understand where you're coming from and the pain involved when it comes to our families and our mothers. My mother, god rest her soul, had a very unique way of making me feel guilty of things that one should never feel guilty over. I still do not know, to this day, how she did it or even why she did it. She did have a horrible child hood with two parents who divorced, her mother living in CA with the stars and my grandfather in NY running his own business. She was raised in and out of orphan homes, since her own mother didn't have time to raise children, after all she was too busy socializing with the Hollywood elite,

her neighbor and best friend being Zsa Zsa Gabor. It still ills me to this day to think about giving up your children to run with the elite.

None of my 4 sisters were abused either sexually or physically, where I was sexually abused and mentally and verbally abused by boyfriends and then my husband, of which they also didn't believe was happening. Again, this was all for attention in their eyes. Why would anyone ask for that kind of attention I ask? This is so baffling to me. There is denial on my siblings side, because if it didn't happen to them then there is no way it could happen to me, after all I was the youngest of the 5 girls. Believe it or not they took it as a put down to them, like what we weren't good enough or pretty enough to get attention like you say you did? As if, it was a compliment to be sexually abused. I still don't get that at all, that's just very sick to me.

I have to say you do have a wonderful way of looking at things and putting things into perspective. I have to say though, if there's a choice to make, it would without a doubt be my husband and children. Ultamatums of that sort just are not asked by mentally healthy individuals. Like you if it wasn't for my wonderful children, I like you, wonder the same thing. It just isn't fair that we have been handed this way of life, but I do believe you're only handed as much as you can handle and no more. We are much stronger than we believe, both mentally and physically. Fortunately we are also very loving and giving human beings, but people do tend to take advantage of that side of us all too often. I take great pride in knowing that I have raised two wonderful children. I've done the best I can and do believe that I did a great loving job in raising my children, and alone at that.

Keep in touch, thanks for writing to me and please know that you are a wonderful person, wonderful wife and wonderful mother and now a wonderful friend. Hugs H

From: Urbanczyk <featherednst@...>Subject: carleene and karendominie Date: Thursday, December 11, 2008, 11:19 PM

Carlene and ,Oh from the stories I know by heart ,my mother had a terrible childhood. She had a terrible adult relationship with my grandmother. My grandmother had shock treatments and my grandfather was emotionally distant. No physical abuse but emotional abuse we all know is just as bad.I know where her dysfunction comes from. As a child I did not. I just knew her as a mother that could at one moment be lovely and then be my abuser. No warning,no reason. She never has stopped just evolved in her dysfunction. She cannot remember, it would be too painful. It actually ,according to my therapist, is quite common. It actually has a name. It is called "crazy making" because the person who has been abused begins to thing they are crazy and in the wrong. My

mother gets her identity and her self worth by making me smaller. She does not know she does this. She does not realize she is dependent on me for her very self worth. I have taken care of her emotional needs,financial needs helped her maintain her life all my life. Bearing the abuse. Now when she gave me that ultimatum when I am so sick,so depressed,trying so hard to manage my own life I just cracked inside. How could she ask for more when I have no more to give? With my other parent under my care. When I am trying to reduce stress for myself and my daughter. I made a promise to God when I was eight that I would raise my daughter if I ever had one and be good to her. I would not be my grandmother and I would not be my mother. I have not been. I have not carried on the legacy. I have been a good mother. It is the thing I am proudest of. My pain is over the decisions I have to make. If I take care of myself I

cannot give in to an ultimatum that is bullying. Bullying based on distorted ideas of who I am. If I make the decision to let things go it will cause a shock wave through the family. My brother , is behind me. As I said my brother Doug, despite the abuse he endured , is in her pocket. I dread that drama. The finality and the grieving as you said "the loss of the mother that never was".I believe this illness makes you have to take stock of your life in a way you don't have to if you are well. I cannot do what I have before. The stress is too great and it makes me too ill. I have had to face things that I have avoided for too long. It also seems to weed out your real friends. Painful as that is. Thank you, both for writing me. I have been so low. Sometimes I feel if it was not for my wonderful husband and my amazing daughter I just would decide not to be here. Healing

hugs,Sue