carleene and karen

[Guest guest]

Carlene and ,Oh from the stories I know by heart ,my mother had a terrible childhood. She had a terrible adult relationship with my grandmother. My grandmother had shock treatments and my grandfather was emotionally distant. No physical abuse but emotional abuse we all know is just as bad.I know where her dysfunction comes from. As a child I did not. I just knew her as a mother that could at one moment be lovely and then be my abuser. No warning,no reason. She never has

stopped just evolved in her dysfunction. She cannot remember, it would be too painful. It actually ,according to my therapist, is quite common. It actually has a name. It is called "crazy making" because the person who has been abused begins to thing they are crazy and in the wrong. My mother gets her identity and her self worth by making me smaller. She does not know she does this. She does not realize she is dependent on me for her very self worth. I have taken care of her emotional needs,financial needs helped her maintain her life all my life. Bearing the abuse. Now when she gave me that ultimatum when I am so sick,so depressed,trying so hard to manage my own life I just cracked inside. How could she ask for more when I have no more to give? With my other parent under my care. When I am trying to reduce stress for myself and my daughter. I made a promise to God when I was eight that I would raise my daughter

if I ever had one and be good to her. I would not be my grandmother and I would not be my mother. I have not been. I have not carried on the legacy. I have been a good mother. It is the thing I am proudest of. My pain is over the decisions I have to make. If I take care of myself I cannot give in to an ultimatum that is bullying. Bullying based on distorted ideas of who I am. If I make the decision to let things go it will cause a shock wave through the family. My brother , is behind me. As I said my brother Doug, despite the abuse he endured , is in her pocket. I dread that drama. The finality and the grieving as you said "the loss of the mother that never was".I believe this illness makes you have to take stock of your life in a way you don't have to if you are well. I cannot do what I have before. The stress is too great and it makes me too ill. I have had to face things that I have avoided for too long. It also seems to

weed out your real friends. Painful as that is. Thank you, both for writing me. I have been so low. Sometimes I feel if it was not for my wonderful husband and my amazing daughter I just would decide not to be here. Healing hugs,Sue