IF I WERE SANTA

[Guest guest]

IF I WERE SANTA, I'D - If I were a rockin' Santa,You know what I'd do?I'd dump the silly giftsThat are given to you. I'd deliver some thingsJust inside your front doorThings you have lost,But treasured before. I'd give you back allYour maidenly vigor,And to go along with it,A neat, tiny figure; Then restore the old colorThat once graced your hairBefore rinses and bleachesTook residence there. I'd bring back the shapeWith which you were gifted,So things now suspendedNeed not be uplifted. I'd draw in your tummyAnd smooth down your backTill you'd be a dreamIn those tight fitting slacks! I'd remove all your wrinklesAnd leave only one chin,So you wouldn't spend hoursRubbing grease on your skin. You'd never have flashesOr queer dizzy spells,And you wouldn't hear noisesLike ringing of bells. No sore aching feet,And no corns on your toesNo searching for spectaclesWhen they're right on your nose. Not a shot would you takeIn your arm, hip or fannyFrom a doctor who thinksYou're a nervous old granny. You'd never have a headache,So no pills would you take.And no heating pad neededSince your muscles won't ache. Yes, if I were Santa,You'd never look stupid.You'd be a cute little chickWith the romance of a cupid. I'd give a lift to your heartWhen those wolves start to whistle,And the joys of your heartWould be light as a thistle. But alas! I'm not Santa.I'm simply just me,The matronest of matronsYou ever did see. I wish I could tell youAll the symptoms I've got,But I'm due at my doctor'sFor an estrogen shot. Even though we've grown olderThis wish is sincere:Merry Christmas to you!And a Happy New Year!

[Guest guest]

IF I WERE SANTA, I'D -If I were a rockin' Santa,You know what I'd do?I'd dump the silly giftsThat are given to you.I'd deliver some thingsJust inside your front door --Things you have lost,But treasured before.

I'd give you back allYour maidenly vigor,And to go along with it,A neat, tiny figure;Then restore the old colorThat once graced your hairBefore rinses and bleachesTook residence there.

I'd bring back the shapeWith which you were gifted,So things now suspendedNeed not be uplifted.I'd draw in your tummyAnd smooth down your backTill you'd be a dreamIn those tight fitting slacks!

I'd remove all your wrinklesAnd leave only one chin,So you wouldn't spend hoursRubbing grease on your skin.You'd never have flashesOr queer dizzy spells,And you wouldn't hear noisesLike ringing of bells.

No sore aching feet,And no corns on your toesNo searching for spectaclesWhen they're right on your nose.Not a shot would you takeIn your arm, hip or fannyFrom a doctor who thinksYou're a nervous old granny.

You'd never have a headache,So no pills would you take.And no heating pad neededSince your muscles won't ache.Yes, if I were Santa,You'd never look stupid.You'd be a cute little chickWith the romance of a cupid.

I'd give a lift to your heartWhen those wolves start to whistle,And the joys of your heartWould be light as a thistle.But alas! I'm not Santa.I'm simply just me,The matronest of matronsYou ever did see.

I wish I could tell youAll the symptoms I've got,But I'm due at my doctor'sFor an estrogen shot.Even though we've grown olderThis wish is sincere:Merry Christmas to you!And a Happy New Year!Author Unknown