Autism One Newsletter

[Guest guest]

Proud Member of the Autism Collaboration

Friday August 1, 2008

Dear Friends and Colleagues -

As I left CVS Pharmacy tonight with a boy perched on my head, it occurred to me that this was probably a disturbing sight to the casual onlooker. I wondered how many other fathers around the country might be leaving drug stores with little boys perched on their heads.

I’ll be the first to admit it sounds unsettling. The jarring image of a boy ensconced on a person’s head, like a bat, tearing out hair with his teeth, is not the norm your neighbors will easily forgive standing in line to pay for Zoloft and other “happy” drugs.

Children acting like marsupials are an affront to public decency. What has this country come to that children are allowed to upset law-abiding citizens and the delicate balance that makes society possible? As a threat to social order, it would probably be best to admit our collective mistakes and apologize.

I know I have not lived up to the model citizen standard passionately set forth and ascribed to by good Americans everywhere. Let me take this opportunity to apologize for my many indiscretions that have come at great expense to you, the taxpayer. I am going to change my ways.

Let me apologize first for causing a ruckus in L.A. several years ago. Onlookers up and down Cotner Ave. were spared any unnecessary autism antics thanks to the quick action of Los Angeles’ finest. Walking my son set off some kind of SWAT response. Instead of theatre, spectators were treated to the excellent and highly-entertaining Hollywood-effects of lights, sirens, and a police helicopter overhead. I’ve learned my lesson. I won’t be walking my son in L.A. anytime soon. Hope I wasn’t too much trouble arresting.

Did I learn my lesson and stay at home? I guess I did, but that’s not the point. The next time police came to see me. I had unwittingly offended a member of the Walgreen’s photography staff by taking a picture of my son without diapers (actually my wife took the picture). Be that as it may, having experienced the tension between the autism community and law enforcement it seemed best to take sole credit. Thanks to a lack of priors (taking nude pictures of underage children) the will to prosecute never reached critical mass. Believe me, cameras and pictures are a no-no here.

Needing food for my family, I forgot my hard-learned lessons and ventured out to the local health food store. It was a fine Friday afternoon. The cement sparkled. Naturally, my son needed to lie down to tap his fingers on the brightly-lit sidewalk. Security, naturally, threatened by a potential effrontery to good order responded with menace. Mentally measuring the distance and calculating the possibility of long-lasting psychic injury to my son as a witness to carnage I caught myself, smiled weakly, and apologized. Let me apologize for my unreasonable thoughts and the many times since we’ve needed food.

A history of my reckless actions (many not reported here) and cavalier attitude reveals great costs and concerns to private citizens, security personal, and police in at least four townships. A big shout-out to Fullerton police for investigating the murder of my wife, Teri. The previous peculiar episodes left them no choice, but to investigate. Knock on wood – she turned up alive and no hard feelings for suspecting me.

Whew, I feel better now. I’ll be right back someone’s knocking at the door.

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