OT: Asst. humor

[Guest guest]

> A Poem For Those Over 40

>

> A computer was something on TV

> >From a science-fiction show of note

> A window was something you hated to clean

> And ram was the cousin of a goat

>

> Meg was the name of my best friend

> And gig was a job for the nights

> Now they all mean different things

> And that really mega bytes.

>

> An application was for employment

> A program was a TV show

> A cursor used profanity

> A keyboard was a piano.

>

> Memory was something that you lost with age

> A CD was a bank account

> And if you had a 3-in. floppy

> You hoped nobody found out.

>

> Compress was something you did to the garbage

> Not something you did to a file

> And if you unzipped anything in public

> You'd be in jail for a while.

>

> Log on was adding wood to the fire

> Hard drive was a long trip on the road

> A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

> And a backup happened to your commode.

>

> Cut you did with a pocket knife

> Paste you did with glue

> A web was a spider's home

> And a virus was the flu.

>

> I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper

> And the memory in my head

> I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash

> But when it happens they wish they were dead

> -----

> A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself

>

> greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint runs over,

> shakes his hand and says " Congratulations!!! "

> " Congratulations for what? " asks the lawyer.

> " Congratulations for what?!?!? " says Saint . " We're celebrating

> the fact that you lived to be 160 years old. "

> " But that's not true, " says the lawyer. " I only lived to be forty. "

>

> " That's impossible, " says Saint . " We've added up your time

> sheets. "

> -----

> The Facts of Life

>

> Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

>

> A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

>

> It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

>

> Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

>

> If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.

>

> COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where

> you live.

>

> The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody

> appreciates how difficult it was.

>

> It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a

> warning to others.

>

> 's Law: You can't fall off the floor.

>

> The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the

> average man can see better than he can think.

>

> Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems.

>

> It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid,

> too.

>

> A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel

> happy to be on your way.

>

> Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on

> society.

> -----

> LITTLE LOVE

>

> Tips on love. All questions were answered by kids age 5 to 10.

>

> WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?

> " Eighty-four, because at that age, you don't have to work anymore,

> and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom. "

> (Judy, 8)

>

> " Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife. "

> (Tom, 5)

>

> WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

>

> " On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually

> gets them interested enough to go for a second date. "

> (Mike, 9)

>

> WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

> " You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks

> to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, cause she'll want to

> have videos of the wedding. "

> (Jim, 10)

>

> " Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if

> anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it

> with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours. "

> (Kally, 9)

>

> THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

>

> " It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need

> somebody to clean up after them. "

> (Lynette, 9)

>

> " It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I

> don't need that kind of trouble. "

> (Kenny, 7)

>

> CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE:

>

> " No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do

> with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular. "

> (Jan, 9)

>

> " I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but

> the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful. "

> (Harlen, 8)

>

> ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:

>

> " Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life. "

> (, 9)

>

> " If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't

> want to do it. It takes too long. "

> (Leo, 7)

>

> ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE:

>

> " If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family,

> it doesn't hurt to be beautiful. "

> (Jeanne, 8)

>

> " It isn't always just how you look. Look at me, I'm handsome like

> anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet. "

> (, 7)

>

> " Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time. "

> (, 9)

>

> CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:

>

> " They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid

> good money for them. " (Dave, 8)

>

Tonya

1st time Mom ( & always full of questions) to:

Home Water Birthed, Breastfed, Mother/Daughter Bed Sleeping

Gift from God - Brittany - Born 4/22/99

& fiance to Chris

" It is from the numberless diverse acts of courage and belief that human

history is made. Each time a man stands up for an ideal or acts to improve

the lot of others or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny

ripple of hope, and crossing each other form a million different centres of

energy and daring, those ripples build a current which can sweep down the

mightiest walls of oppression and resistance. "

Kennedy, US Attorney General (1961-1964)

Delivered at the University of Cape Town, South Africa (June 1963)