[Social Anxiety

[Guest guest]

Hi, Carolyn --

Please forgive the delay in responding to your post of August 23rd.

You wrote, in part:

I was kind of

> hesitant to call them, I guess because of my shyness or low self-

esteem or

> whatever, but I finally called them today and left a message. I'll

keep you

> posted on that. I would much rather sit and do research and make

plans in my

> head and on paper than to actually talk to people. A bit of social

anxiety I

> suppose, is another way of putting it.

I can certainly identify with your concerns about getting on with

your plans and ideas. I am very lucky to have found a new friend

online who should really be a " life coach. " She has been nudging me

and giving me assignments, and it really helps, although I am a

tough case -- I have been " meaning to do " all kinds of great things

for months or years. I am trying to do a little bit toward my goals

each week, and give myself a pat for whatever I do accomplish. I

think we have to make allowances for the obstacles we have to

overcome, given our physical situations.

I wonder if you really have such low self-esteem, or if you might

just have problems with picking up the phone? I am sometimes

hesitant to talk on the phone myself. I find that my anxiety

dissipates with the first phone call -- then I am fine for making

others.

I don't mean to question your comments about shyness, social

anxiety, and low self-esteem. These are certainly legitimate

feelings, especially for those of us with massive spinal problems

that have taken us somewhat out of the mainstream of life with other

people. I think most of us have to struggle -- some of us more than

others, maybe -- with all kinds of hesitancy and self-doubt we

develop in response life-disruption, chronic physical pain and

disability, etc. And some of us may not be as candid and open about

these feelings as you are. I commend you for your honesty and

courage.

It's interesting to me to hear more and more people lately -- and

not just people with disabilities, by any means -- talking about

having a " phone phobia. " I even heard from a highly experienced and

beloved psychotherapist who has to make innumerable phone calls

that she has to battle her own phobia of talking on the phone.

Here's my pet theory: All these phone phobias we are having may come

from communicating so extensively via email. We just get out of

practice with phones and forget how much we loved to stay on them

for hours around age 15. Is that plausible?

I also lived with someone -- my husband of 30-plus years -- who has

had a lifelong social phobia. (Phones he can handle! It's the face-

to-face that gives him so much trouble.) This eventually got to the

point where he could no longer go to social events involving his own

brother and sisters, in their homes or his home or anywhere. We have

been separated since 1998, and I see much more of his family than he

does. He does go to work every day, although he never got nearly as

far, in career terms, as his abilities and intelligence would have

suggested. He can also go out to dinner with my son and me or drop

over for a visit (we just can't live together!). I don't know you,

of course, but it doesn't sound to me as if your social anxiety is

quite that bad. My former spouse told me just a few days ago that he

is thinking of going back on medication for his social phobia. At

one time, prescription meds really helped him, but he didn't like

the idea of taking them long term, I guess. He is not at all

inclined to drinking or substance abuse, and for him, an occasional

Xanax made it possible to socialize, at leasts with his own family.

I think the psychiatrist also prescribed Prozac for him over the

long term, but he stopped taking it after a while. Paradoxically,

when he does battle his huge fear of social occasions, he is just

charming -- the life of the party. You would never guess that he is

feeling anxious, at least until he runs out the door (which he did,

on two occasions! -- once in the middle of a party I dragged him to

with some people from my school, and another time when his own

family was due to arrive at our house for dinner in about five

minutes). Although I myself am Jewish, his family always has a big

get-together on Christmas Eve, and that particular year I had

convinced him that our own little family was way past due to play

host for this event. You can imagine what a sensation his

disappearance caused among his siblings, in-laws, nieces, et al. --

when they arrived at our place for dinner, he was already en route

to the nearest theater to see " Nixon. " He has had this problem for

as long as I have known him. When we first moved in together, back

in the day, I was flabbergasted to learn that he would not see his

best buddies from college. They would come to town and call him up,

and he would make some excuse for not seeing them. Then there was

the New Year's Eve we all called my house from his sister's house to

wish him a happy New Year. He actually picked up the phone. Today,

he would probably let the machine take it. So, you see -- maybe your

own social anxiety could be worse?

Thanks for the movie recommendation. I will definitely check

out " Accepted " at www.imdb.com, but will probably wait till it is

out in video and rent it from netflix. Since 1998, I have

physically " gone to the movies " only once. No, I don't have theater-

phobia; mostly, I am just worried about having a narcoleptic attack

and missing the whole film, which is what typically happens to me in

movie theaters once they dim the lights. They make the seats so good

these days, and my pain-pump is normally so effective, I just don't

have sufficient back pain to keep me awake! (Just joking.)Anyway, it

sounds like just the kind of movie that would interest me. The

creative-academic dichotomy/dialectic has always intrigued me.

Well, if you'll excuse me, I have to swallow, take a deep breath,

dial the cable company, and ask a real person there whether they got

our online payment. Take care, and by all means keep us updated on

your progress toward implementing your plans and dreams.

Best,