Calming Pre-Op Jitters

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Calming Pre-Op Jitters

(Copyright 2003, Rasche )

I exorcise my pre-op fears by naming them clearly and by

joking/obsessing about them at length. Many people hate this

approach, however -- preferring to calm their own nerves by ingesting

a frosty mug of Heinekens or a couple of chocolate layer cakes while

watching multiple " Law & Order " reruns. Others relax before surgery

by taking up a new hobby, such as furniture-distressing, faux

decoupage, daily whining and hollering, or browsing the Web and

assorted junk-mail catalogues for new and entertaining marital aids.

I have also learned -- from a Malibu massage therapist and feng shui

master who is scheduled to appear on " Oprah " some time next spring --

that pre-op jitters will often yield to the following ancient yet New

Age folk-ritual:

(1) After first calling UPS to transport the kids to Disneyworld or

Grandma's, (2) brew a pot of strong green tea, to be savored as you

indulge in a leisurely shower or sauna, at the same time you (3)(a)

complete that exciting new crossword puzzle you salvaged from the

Sunday NY Times, or ( stitch up a set of handsome and practical

quilts.

Feeling refreshed? I thought so! Now, then: (4) tweeze, buff, and

exfoliate thoroughly (being sure to coat all exposed surfaces with a

thin layer of creamy whipped topping or ordinary household spackle);

(5) slip into a comfy sweatsuit and a pair of zingy sandals.

(Optional: For updated sparkle and bravura, top with a floppy tulle

sunhat in poppin' pink paisley or phosphorescent asphalt.

Alternatively, try an oversized thrift-shop shawl trimmed with tiny

neon monograms -- OR, for that up-to-the-minute " retro " look, adorn

one biceps with a bold and brassy 1950s-style tattoo.)

Next, (6) take four deep, revitalizing breaths or your prescribed

dosage of lorazepam, and (7) dejunk that cluttered antique divan or

pool table. Finally, (8) mentally visualize greener pastures and

happier times. KNOW and BELIEVE that abundant health and happiness

are yours for the taking! -- that, indeed, serenity, peace, and

fulfillment are as close as the nearest neighboring planet, and a

whole new life awaits you in your very next incarnation! (9) Finish

up with a half dozen recumbent asanas such as those detailed in

*Iyengar Yoga for the ICU,* then quickly chant an appropriate mantra

while deftly rearranging your spouse.