Being Nice Can Be Hazardous to Your Health

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Being Nice Can Be Hazardous to Your Health

by Vicki Rackner MD

" Mom, what did the doctor say about your liver function

tests? " Martha and her mother Leah spent plenty of time on

the phone the days before the follow-up doctor visit talking

about what this abnormal blood test could mean. With a heavy

sigh Leah said, " Well, the doctor looked like he was having

a hard day, and there were lots of people in the waiting

room and they looked very sick, so I didn't ask. " Martha

said, " If you took care of yourself with just a fraction of

the nurturing you give to everyone else in the whole world,

you would be in great shape. "

Leah's life is guided by two words: " Be nice. " In her

perfect day, everyone gets along, she anticipates and meets

the needs of others and goes to sleep knowing she's a worthy

person because people tell her so. Leah avoids conflict and

she would never dream of making a scene. When she gave the

cashier at the grocery store a $20 bill for a $7 item and

got back $3 she didn't say a word. Her perfectionism usually

heads off criticism, but sometimes it backfires. She tried

to help her adult son, who said with annoyance, " Mom, stop

being such a people-pleaser. " Leah's darkest fear is that

she will not give enough and wind up all alone, abandoned by

her friends and family.

While being nice sounds like a good idea, there's a problem.

It doesn't work. People pleasers often take care of others

at the expense of themselves. Activities that promote

health, like the daily walk and a good night's sleep are

sacrificed when someone else is in need. Trying to avoid or

ignore conflict and anger is like trying to hold a beach

ball under water. Unexpressed feelings can pop up as

physical ailments, such as heartburn or depression or back

pain. When your value as a person is defined by what other

people think about you, and you don't measure up, food or

alcohol medicate the emptiness.

If you're a people-pleaser who gets sick, the same behaviors

that got you to the doctor in the first place may stand in

the way of getting good health care. You might not want to

" trouble your doctor " with your problems. If you have side

effects from a medication, you might simply stop taking the

pills rather than tell your doctor that you want to try a

different medication. A cross look from the front office

staff when you ask for a copy of your medical record may be

all you need to decide that you're not doing that again.

The bottom line is that being nice can be hazardous to your

health. It erodes your health and impairs your ability to

get better if you're sick.

I invite you to examine how being nice is working for you.

Serving others offers great rewards. Serving at the expense

of yourself comes with a huge cost that ultimately limits

your ability to serve. You can be freed from the

imprisonment of people-pleasing. If you want to treat

yourself with more love and respect, here are some thoughts.

Re-think being nice.

People-pleasing is a learned behavior that can be unlearned.

Although habits may be deeply engrained, small changes can

make a huge difference. Next time you're asked to volunteer,

instead of jumping in with a " Yes " , say, instead, " I'll get

back to you on that. " You will come to understand that " no "

is a complete sentence, and you can utter the word! If you

can't imagine doing this, use this " fake it till you make it

trick " ...tell yourself that you're taking care of your

children's father, your mother's daughter or your pet's

owner.

Take care of yourself every day.

Get exercise, nutrition and rest every day. Do something

that recharges your batteries every day no matter what. It's

a cliché, but when you're on a plane you're instructed to

put on your own mask before taking care of others.

Bring an advocate with you to the doctor.

Engaging in acts of self-care, like going to the doctor, can

feel like swimming upstream to a people-pleaser. Being nice

takes the form of being a good patient who doesn't make

waves.

Here is something critical to remember: You are not there to

take care of your doctor; your doctor is there to take care

of you. In the past you may have made your medical choices

by raising your antennae and tuning into what you think will

make your doctor happy. You certainly want your doctor's

opinion, and in most cases you will agree with your doctor's

recommendations. Sometimes getting good care means making

waves, like asking , " What are the other treatment options? "

or requesting a more complete explanation or seeking a

second medical opinion.

While it's always a good idea to take a second set of

listening ears to a doctor appointment, it's particularly

important if you're a people-pleaser. An advocate will

assure that you and your health care team stay focused on

taking care of you.

Accept help.

People-pleasers can give from dawn to dusk, but they rarely

accept help, even when they're sick. When I ask my patients

who are people-pleasers how it feels to help a friend

struggling with illness, the answer is a broad smile. Then I

remind them that when they accept help, they give their

friends a chance to have those same good feelings.

If you are a people-pleaser, your heart might be racing. I

assure you I'm not asking to give up serving others. I'm

suggesting that a healthy life is a life in balance, and I

encourage you to treat yourself as nicely as you treat

others. When you take care of yourself, you offer us the

gift of most fully who you are. Then you can really serve.

It's more important than ever to take an active role in your

healthcare. The best way to get top-quality, safe and

effective healthcare is to actively and knowledgably

participate. Visit http://www.MedicalBridges.com for the

tools to get you there.

Copyright © Vicki Rackner MD, 2005

Vicki Rackner, MD, president of Medical Bridges, is a board-

certified surgeon who left the operating room to help

employees become active participants in their health care.

She is a consultant, speaker and author of the *Personal

Health Journal*, author/editor of *Chicken Soup for the

Healthy Heart Soul* and author of the lead story for

*Chicken Soup for the Breast Cancer Soul.* Dr. Rackner can

be reached at http://www.MedicalBridges.com or

(425) 451-3777.