How to Build Healthy Optimism and Lasting Resilience - Part Two

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Article Title:

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How to Build Healthy Optimism and Lasting Resilience - Part Two

Article Description:

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We face more adversity every day. So do our kids. But some of

us thrive, while others drop into dperession, or worse. What

accounts for that difference? Adversity, by itself, does not

cause depression. Many of us make adversity worse by taking a

pessimistic stance toward it. We dwell on the worst aspects of

what happens to us.

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Distribution Date and Time: 2008-02-07 10:00:00

Written By: Bruce Elkin

Copyright: 2007-2008

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How to Build Healthy Optimism and Lasting Resilience - Part Two

Copyright © 2007-2008 Bruce Elkin

Personal Life Coaching Services

http://www.bruceelkin.com/

NOTE: This is the second part of a two-part series. This is:

Part 2 of Depression Proof Yourself---and Your Kids!

Read Part 1 online at:

http://thePhantomWriters.com/free_content/d/e/depression1.shtml

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We face more adversity every day. So do our kids.

But some of us thrive, while others drop into dperession, or

worse.

What accounts for that difference?

Adversity, by itself, does not cause depression. Many of us make

adversity worse by taking a pessimistic stance toward it. We

dwell on the worst aspects of what happens to us.

* We think it is PERMANENT ( " This is going to last

forever! " ).

* We think it is PERVASIVE ( " It is going to ruin my whole

life! " ).

* We think it is PERSONAL ( " It's all my fault! " ).

As well as contributing to an overwhelming sense of helplessness

( " I can't do anything about this " ), such pessimism can lead to

low moods, low achievement, apathy, and poor health. Left

unchecked, helplessness can spiral down into hopelessness ( " Why

do anything about anything?). Hopelessness is the prime cause

of suicide.

Pessimism is 50% genetic and 50% learned. We cannot do much about

our gentics, but we can do a lot with the 50% we learned. So

learning how to be more optimistic can make a huge difference in

our lives-and in our kids lives.

Dr. Seligman says we can " immunize " ourselves and our

kids

against depression. The key to depression-proof yourself and

your kids, he says, is twofold:

1) develop " masterful action " (on our own, and in our

youngsters), and

2) develop a flexible, optimistic " explanatory style. "

Doing both can result in emotional mastery and an an upward

spirtal of healthy optimism, and increasing resilence.

Masterful Action

Masterful action--the habit of persisting and overcoming

challenges--begins in the crib and can be reinforced throughout

childhood. When, for example, toddlers struggle try to climb up

on a couch, let them figure out their own way to do so.

Don't interfere, except for safety.

" For your child to experience mastery, " says Seligman, " it is

necessary for him to fail, to feel bad, and to try again

repeatedly until success occurs. "

My father used to tell me, " If you can't do something right, do

not do it! " Then he'd snatch away my tools and finish my

project

for me. I felt stupid and inept.

As well, when I couldn't finish a project on the solar system on

time (because I feared I wouldn't " do it right " ), my mother

made

the paper machÈ planets for me.

Both thought they were helping. But they weren't; not in the

long-term.

Fifty years later, I still feel inept when it comes to making or

fixing things. As well, I failed to develop the sense of mastery

that would have come from faling, doing it again, learning, and

succeeding.

Seligman says kids need to feel bad, learn from mistakes, and try

again until they achieve mastery many times before they become

teenagers. If they do not learn to accept diffuciulties and rise

above bad feelings when they are young, they become prime

candidates for depression in their are teens.

" Failure and feeling bad, " Seligman says, " are necessary

building

blocks for ultimate success and feeling good. "

True self-esteem-in kids and ourselves-comes from feeling good

about doing well at things that matter s. It also comes from

developing a realistically optimistic way of explaining what

happens to us.

Explanatory Style

Explanatory Style is a great predictor of failure or success in

life. It predicts who will become stressed, anxious or depressed

when faced with adversity, and who will sail smoothly through

troubled waters to the rewards on the other side.

Kids pick up their explanatory style from their primary care

giver, ususally mom. So, changing how you explain things to

yourself can help you and your kids take a more realistically

optimistic approach towards what happens.

Realistic optimists rarely suffer from emotional disorders such

as depression.

They see adversity as TEMPORARY ( " This won't last " ).

They see it as SPECIFIC ( " Just part of my life is

affected " ).

They see it as external ( " It's not all my fault).

As a result, they are more resilient than pessimists.

They realize they have control over adversity and its outcomes-if

only their responses. They limit adversity's reach into their

lives. Moreover, they know that the adversity will not endure

forever.

Dr. Stoltz, author of Adversity Quotient has shown

ownership-being accountable for the results you want, regardless

of what happens, or who is at fault-helps you persevere, and

create what matters. Those who score high on ownership persist

where others quit. They succeed where others fail.

Changing Your Explanatory Style

Changing your response to what happens can help your children

change theirs.

A first step is listen to your own self-talk-the stream of

thoughts, beliefs, stories, judgments, and conclusions that

runs through your mind.

We usually don't know we do it, or that it affects our moods and

behaviors, but we constantly comment to ourselves on our lives,

our actions, other people and their actions. We pass judgment

on what happens to us, and why. Too often, we indulge in self-

defeating, " shoulda, coulda, and woulda " thinking.

Unfortunately, this constant nattering affects our moods and

emotions. " Emote, " means, " to move " . Our emotions give rise

to our actions, and our results.

Unnoticed, self-talk and the emotions it generates, can move us

in ways we don't want to move. Much self-created grief is, for

example, caused by " shoulding " on ourselves, others, and the

world.

" I should have know better. " " It should have happened like

this. " " I should be smarter (or prettier, or thinner, or

richer,

etc...)

But, simply changing " I should have... " to " Next time I

will... " ,

for example, can have an amazing effect on both your emotions and

behaviors.

Another way to change explanatory style is note the differences

between a pessimistic style and a realistically optimistic one.

Practice using the optimistic style to explain what happens. I

am sure you will discover that both your moods and the results

you create improve.

Together with masterful action (learning to create what matters

most-with whatever life gives you), developing a more optimistic

way of explaining what happens will help you and your kids

develop optimism,resilience, and persistence in the face of

adversity.

It will help you regain that spark of vitality. It will give you

energy to do what matters. It will make life worth living

again.

Masterful action and explanatory style are true basics. They are

critical life skills we and our kids need to thrive in

challenging times. The time to start working on them is now.

* For more information about depression, it's treatment and

prevention see: The Optimistic Child (HarperPerennial, 1995)

by Seligman; and Emotional Mastery: Manage Your Moods

and Create What Matters Most-With Whatever Life Gives You

(eBook), by Bruce Elkin.

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Bruce Elkin is a writer, coach, and consultant who helps

individuals and organizations create what matters most-in spite

of problems, circumstances, and adversity. His ebook Emotional

Mastery: Manage Your Moods and Create What Matters Most-With

Whatever Life Gives You is available on his website at:

http://www.BruceElkin.com.