Victims And Relationships Don’t Mix!

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Article Title:

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Victims And Relationships Don’t Mix!

Article Description:

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In order for relationships to be truly fun, fulfilling, joyful

and loving both people have to be emotionally healthy. That

doesn't mean you still don't have some issues to resolve -

that's part of life. It does mean that you aren't living a life

as a victim of a past experience(s) and continuing to recreate

more victim experiences.

Additional Article Information:

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1392 Words; formatted to 65 Characters per Line

Distribution Date and Time: 2009-06-30 11:12:00

Written By: Carol Chanel

Copyright: 2009

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Victims And Relationships Don’t Mix!

Copyright © 2009 Carol Chanel

Certified Life Coach

http://www.carolchanel.com/

In order for relationships to be truly fun, fulfilling, joyful

and loving both people have to be emotionally healthy. That

doesn't mean you still don't have some issues to resolve -

that's part of life. It does mean that you aren't living a life

as a victim of a past experience(s) and continuing to recreate

more victim experiences.

If you want to have an amazing " rockin relationship " you can't

be a victim and you can't be with a victim, because you will

either set the person up to victimize you, or they will set you

up to victimize them.

The Law of Attraction says we get what we think about, whether we

want it or not. So if you're afraid of being a victim, you will

have victim energy and you will attract a victimizer. Or you will

perceive what someone does to you as victimizing you.

Let me give you a personal example. I have a childhood friend who

had some experiences growing up that were painful. He was a

victim, at that point. As he grew older in order to get attention

he, probably unconsciously, stepped into the role of the

" victim. " Women flocked to him to take care of him, to nurture

him and to rescue him.

All of that might be okay, if he didn't need to keep wearing the

cloak of victim and recreating victim experiences - day in and

day out. And he will try to set people up to victimize him.

He'll interpret everything through the victim filter. So if you

say you can't do something that he wants you to do, then you are

letting him down; he'll play the " Poor Me. " For example, if he

calls one day when you're super busy and can't talk, he'll say

you were unkind to him.

He also attracts people who do take advantage of him. Remember

you get what you think about, whether you want it or not.

Now if you've been around someone who sees themselves as a

victim, and lives as a victim, then you know it's a miserable

and drama filled existence. Their lives are all drama and you

can't have a normal, healthy relationship with them. And they

aren't living in their truth as a powerful human being connected

to pure positive energy.

That's the place where you want to be and want the other person

to be.

The most important part of being around a victim is to not

collude with them. Don't see them as a victim. Don't hold them

in that energy. That's what they're used to. That's what they

think they want, because that's how they're used to getting

attention. It's the " Poor Me " routine. Don't go there with

them.

What if instead you saw them as creative, resourceful and whole?

What if you saw them as learning how they really wanted to be in

life and that the victim role was one they played for a while and

might now choose to leave behind?

From that place you're not pulled into their victim energy and

they might be encouraged to change their perspective, to move

into a new more fulfilling role.

Are You A Victim?

Now I've been talking about other people being the victim. What

if you see yourself as a victim?

This is close to my heart, because I used to see myself as a

victim. And sure enough, I would have experiences that made me

look and feel like a victim.

Then one day a wise American Indian elder said to me, " You can

either be a victim of your circumstances, or be victorious in

your learning. "

I loved that perspective. It felt so uplifting and powerful. And

I realized I had a choice. And from that moment I always look at

how to be victorious.

During the Beijing Olympics, US track and field star Lolo

was running the 100-meter hurdles final, in which she was heavily

favored. She was leading the race when she clipped the second to

the last hurdle. That knocked her off her stride and she finished

well out of the medals.

What she said after the race - being victorious, not a victim -

was that she felt the gold around her neck and that caused her to

lose her focus for a split second. When you're jumping hurdles

that split second is all it takes. She's not a victim. She may

have not have medaled, but she knows what she did and she has a

powerful learning that will be with her for the rest of her life.

Victims miss the opportunities for learning.

How Can You Be Victorious?

So if you see yourself as a victim, or if you keep being a victim

of others, how can you change?

Before I tell you how to change I want to ask you to not be hard

on yourself if you've been a victim. Sometimes, when we realize

we've been creating it, we can get upset with ourselves. Don't

go there. You didn't know any other way to be. And now I'm

pointing out another way. So start with the " Beginners Mind " -

open and curious, like you are starting your life over. You are.

So the first step is stop being mean to yourself. Your ego is the

critical part of your mind. The victim's ego is cruel, critical,

perfectionistic and judgmental. You can go to my ezine archive on

my website and read May 18, 2004 " What Is Your Negative

Self-Talk Doing to You " and June 29, 2006, " How Your Ego Holds

You Hostage " to get information on how to quiet your critical

voice. Your ego is your critical voice. The truth is it's

probably not even yours, it's probably a father, mother, sibling

or teachers voice. Don't give it attention. Be kind to yourself.

Talk to yourself the way you would want a wise loving mother to

talk to you.

Second, stop seeing yourself as a victim. Start remembering the

good things that have happened to you in your life. The thing

about victims is they don't look at the good things, or they

discount them, or the focus is so weighted on the " bad " things

that they don't give any attention to the " good " things.

Third, pay attention to where you might unconsciously set

yourself up as a victim. If you know that a friend isn't

responsible, don't ask them to feed your cat while you're on

vacation. If your assistant doesn't have good people skills,

don't ask her to talk to your clients. If your boyfriend is

always late, don't ask him to take you to the airport to catch

your flight. Don't set yourself up!

This one is a little tricky, because you've been unconsciously

doing this for a while. If victim things are still happening,

you're still doing it. Now remember, be kind to yourself. It's

okay, you're in the process of changing.

And fourth, don't victimize others. I know you're saying, I

would never do that. But I guarantee you, victims will at some

point, unconsciously victimize others. Even if it's just a

judgment or criticism of another person, or an abrupt

communication. And if you unconsciously victimize another, then

you'll feel really badly about yourself. Then from that place,

you'll attract more victim experiences. So be conscious of your

behavior.

And if you have victimized others, in any way, forgive yourself.

I'm not saying to condone what you did; I'm saying to realize

that you didn't know what you were doing. You were in a victim

perspective and you were unconscious. You were wounded and you

were reacting out of that wound.

Here's a lovely little saying I repeat every day:

" I call on the Law of Forgiveness for myself and all mankind,

for all mistakes, misqualified energy, human unconsciousness and

for straying from the light. "

We are all trying to do the best as we can. We will make

mistakes, we will go unconscious and stray from the light. And we

can go back into the light and become victorious in our learning.

And we can feel great about ourselves and from that place attract

the most wonderful experiences into our life!

It's a choice. You can either be a victim of your circumstances

or victorious in your learning.

Choose victorious!

Imagine the possibilities...

© Carol C. Chanel

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Carol Chanel is a Certified Life Coach who works with people to

create new, meaningful and FUN lives. You can learn more about

how to create loving and healthy relationships, draw boundaries,

not take things personally, be happy to be who you are, and

make time for fun by going to her free ezine archive.

http://www.carolchanel.com/rockin_relationships.html