Keeping the Faith..Personal Positive Reflections...

[Guest guest]

KEEPING THE FAITH…

 

I’m tired from "tops" who believe they can’t contract HIV. I’m tired from "bottoms" who continue to roll the dice. I’m tired from irresponsible HIV-positive bare-backers. I’m tired from irresponsible HIV-negative bare-backers. I’m tired of condoms. I’m tired for everyone waiting for the results to come back from an HIV test. I’m tired.

I’m tired for intravenous drug users who share contaminated needles. I’m tired for men who refuse to use a condom. I’m tired for the women and men forced to have sex with men who refuse to use a condom. I’m tired for sex workers who can’t use a condom. I’m tired for young people who don’t have sex education. I’m tired of prevention that doesn’t seem to work. I’m tired.

I’m tired from individuals who promote conspiracy rather than care. I’m tired from those who don’t believe in re-infection. I’m tired from medications that make people sick rather than well. I’m tired from people who could, but don’t adhere. I’m tired for everyone in America, Africa, Asia and Eastern Europe who would adhere, but can’t. I’m tired from a system that profits from homelessness, hunger and mental illnesses. I’m tired from illiteracy. I’m tired.

I’m tired from some that believe women and children, the incarcerated and drug users don’t deserve our attention. I’m tired because some believe that gay men don’t deserve our attention. I’m tired from blacks that blame whites. I’m tired from whites that blame blacks. I’m tired from men who blame women. I’m tired from women who blame men. I’m tired from MSMs, SAMs, "trade" and "on the down-low." I’m tired of categories. I’m tired.

I’m tired of incompetent negatives. I’m tired of unqualified positives. I’m tired of bureaucracy. I’m tired of cynics. I’m tired of the hypocrites. I’m tired of the dishonesty. I’m tired because I don’t know what to do. I’m tired of being stressed, depressed, and overwhelmed. I’m tired because I don’t have time to do more. I’m tired because I don’t feel like doing more. I’m tired.

I’m tired from Slavery. I’m tired from Emancipation. I’m tired from Jewaharlal Nehru. I’m tired from Civil Rights, Women’s Rights, Gay/Lesbian Rights and now Healthcare Rights. I’m tired from prejudice and hatred. I’m tired from ignorance. I’m tired that mistakes from the past continue to be repeated. I’m tired.

I’m tired from F. Kennedy, Mahatma Gandhi, Luther King, Jr., Rajiv Gandhi and my father. I’m tired from the events of September 11, 2001 and December 13, 2001. I’m tired for this nation. I’m tired for this world. I’m tired for everyone who has ever lost someone to a senseless act of violence. I’m tired for everyone who will lose a loved one in the coming days, weeks, and months.

I’m tired of grieving. I’m tired of remembering. I’m tired of wondering. I’m tired of wondering of what might have been. I’m tired of hoping. I’m tired of coping. I’m tired of dates that always remind me of how tired I am. I’m tired of wondering what’s next, who’s next. I’m tired of this road. I’m just tired.

But while I am tired, I’ve come to realize a few things about the AIDS movement. There are many people in this struggle who are suffering from burnout. I am one of them. I also understand that there are lots of angry people out there. I’m still one of those. However, I’ve learned that when anger and fatigue are not processed properly they can be dangerous weapons. I’ve seen these weapons used viciously by some of the "leading" HIV advocates. I’ve also recognized that my exhaustion and frustration stems from a belief that we—as an AIDS community—are feeding shamelessly on each other, rather than trying to address the real issues facing us.

During the last 20 years, sero-positive and sero-negative individuals have lived and worked together through one of the most difficult sexual and health challenges in the history of humankind. It is time to take stock of what we have achieved. AIDS has challenged our mores in ways never again dreamed humanly possible. This struggle has not been easy. There have been many deaths. However, we have risen to the occasion and responded to the challenge. We struggled against stigmas and prejudices. We redefined sex and sexuality. We reconfigured notions of commitment and community. We fought government inaction. We confronted corporate greed. These accomplishments should be acknowledged and celebrated. Everyone should be applauded for fighting a good battle over the last 20 years.

However, the battle against AIDS is not over. There are new challenges on the horizon for all of us. We can not allow ourselves to become complacent and careless. We must have answers to the questions of how and why HIV manifests itself differently from one individual to another. We may not like the answers, but we must search for them regardless. We can not allow cutting-edge HIV prevention and treatment education programs to get lost among governmental red tape or irresponsible behaviors. We must recommit ourselves, seek out resources, and collaborate together in ways never previously thought necessary.

Race, sexuality, and HIV status… it doesn’t matter. In the post-September 11 and December 13, 2001 environment, we have to combine our resources and strategize together more than ever. Our over-arching challenge as a community seeking to stop AIDS is to work together, communicate with each other, to be as honest as possible about our needs, desires and behaviors. My challenge to you, as people living in the age of AIDS, is to closely re-examine your attitudes and your behaviors, because we are the only ones who will curb the spread of HIV. It will not be easy. And as the last 20 years demonstrate, there will be missteps. But we can do this, again. We have to. We can protect each other, as we protect ourselves.

Twenty Years…Tens of thousands dead in the sub-continent. Millions dead across the world. Millions more infected. Millions more infected. But I am hopeful.....

I am hopeful despite the continued contraction of the Pharmaceutical industry into few and bigger in which AIDS medicine has become less important to the bottom line. I am hopeful despite the emergence of a "new wave" of HIV infection among young men and women. I am hopeful despite the staggering numbers of infected men and women in India, Asia, Africa and around the world.

I remain hopeful because I am privileged to see a small slice of the large number of people who are fighting this disease on the streets, in the labs and in the doctors offices. I remain hopeful because I see the progress that has been made in treatment over the past ten years. I remain hopeful because I no longer go to the funerals of friends and colleagues monthly. I remain hopeful because the world AIDS has finally received some attention.

I remain hopeful because the alternative is not one I want to embrace.

Achieve. Survive. And Have Hope…I have….

Thank you for your support, confidence in this crucial personal and global struggle.

"blue birds" _______________________________________