Things you should never say....

[Guest guest]

Things you should never say to a parent with children with special needs.

1) "So are they going to live in a group home?"--This is the like asking a parent of a "normal" child "So are your kids going to be living in a prison?"2) "Are they learning anything in school?" --This is like asking the parent of a "normal" child "So is your child stupid?"3) "God know what he was doing when he gave you these children."--We call this the halo effect. It's meant to be supportive but it makes you think that either God has a strange sense of humor or hates you. 4) "What kind of future can they have?"--As if they aren't going to have a "good" future. What is the alternative-eugenics, euthanasia? Oh just shoot me now and get it over with.5) "Why do my taxes pay for special ed classes? Is PT, OT and speech actually education?" We lost a friendship over this one. It's saying that my children are worthless.6) "You have so much patience. God knew what he was doing."--This is usually said right about the time that your at the end of your rope and want to strangle the kid. Or when you've just blown up at your husband, or your wife, or the kid, or the teacher, or the bus driver, or the dog etc etc etc. See also answer to question #3.If you've ever asked these question don't feel bad. We all have our off moments. Just remember when our answers aren't exactly what you were expecting don't be too suprised. We're just trying to get through the day with love, humor, perseverance, patience, kindness, and love.

[Guest guest]

I agree with this and was going to send it to some friends. But, I thought maybe some positive comments would be more constructive and less hurtful to people who usually are wondering what the heck they SHOULD say. I'm not sure telling them all the wrong things is helpful. I wonder sometimes what to say to a parent whose child is having a meltdown, but I can always say a heartfelt "I understand".

ette

mom to Faith (10)DS

-------------- Original message from " Bolduc" <jhunter5431@...>: --------------

Things you should never say to a parent with children with special needs.

1) "So are they going to live in a group home?"--This is the like asking a parent of a "normal" child "So are your kids going to be living in a prison?"2) "Are they learning anything in school?" --This is like asking the parent of a "normal" child "So is your child stupid?"3) "God know what he was doing when he gave you these children."--We call this the halo effect. It's meant to be supportive but it makes you think that either God has a strange sense of humor or hates you. 4) "What kind of future can they have?"--As if they aren't going to have a "good" future. What is the alternative-eugenics, euthanasia? Oh just shoot me now and get it over with.5) "Why do my taxes pay for special ed classes? Is PT, OT and speech actually education?" We lost a friendship over this one. It's saying that my children are worthless.6) "You have so much patience. God knew what he was doing."--This is usually said right about the time that your a

t the end of your rope and want to strangle the kid. Or when you've just blown up at your husband, or your wife, or the kid, or the teacher, or the bus driver, or the dog etc etc etc. See also answer to question #3.If you've ever asked these question don't feel bad. We all have our off moments. Just remember when our answers aren't exactly what you were expecting don't be too suprised. We're just trying to get through the day with love, humor, perseverance, patience, kindness, and love.

[Guest guest]

About 10 years ago I wrote a speech titled 'What to Say to Parents of a Child with a Disabilty' (see link to full text below) and I researched several disabilities and asked what parents LIKED to hear and what they DID NOT like to hear.

I encourage every new parent who comes to my site to forward it to their friends and family before the platitudes begin, and many people find it through search engines and email me THANKING me for writing it. It has taken on a life of it's own, been adapeted to personal stories and given all over the world.

The DSA of New Zealand created a brochure titled 'I Don't Know What to Say' that goes out in their new parent packets.

United Cerebral Palsey has created a list for their employees and volunteers.

Check it out at the 2nd site in my subject line below.

, Mom to 14, DS, Southern CaliforniaTo succeed in life,you need three things:a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.~ Reba McIntyre

Diagnosis Down Syndrome: A Site of Hope for New Parents or Parents with a Prenatal Diagnosishttp://www.leeworks.net/DDS/What to Say to Parents of a Child with a Diagnosishttp://www.leeworks.net/DDS/speech.html

Re: Things you should never say....

I agree with this and was going to send it to some friends. But, I thought maybe some positive comments would be more constructive and less hurtful to people who usually are wondering what the heck they SHOULD say. I'm not sure telling them all the wrong things is helpful. I wonder sometimes what to say to a parent whose child is having a meltdown, but I can always say a heartfelt "I understand".

ette

mom to Faith (10)DS

-------------- Original message from " Bolduc" <jhunter5431charter (DOT) net>: --------------

Things you should never say to a parent with children with special needs.

1) "So are they going to live in a group home?"--This is the like asking a parent of a "normal" child "So are your kids going to be living in a prison?"2) "Are they learning anything in school?" --This is like asking the parent of a "normal" child "So is your child stupid?"3) "God know what he was doing when he gave you these children."--We call this the halo effect. It's meant to be supportive but it makes you think that either God has a strange sense of humor or hates you. 4) "What kind of future can they have?"--As if they aren't going to have a "good" future. What is the alternative-eugenics, euthanasia? Oh just shoot me now and get it over with.5) "Why do my taxes pay for special ed classes? Is PT, OT and speech actually education?" We lost a friendship over this one. It's saying that my children are worthless.6) "You have so much patience. God knew what he was doing."--This is usually said right about the time that your a t the end of your rope and want to strangle the kid. Or when you've just blown up at your husband, or your wife, or the kid, or the teacher, or the bus driver, or the dog etc etc etc. See also answer to question #3.If you've ever asked these question don't feel bad. We all have our off moments. Just remember when our answers aren't exactly what you were expecting don't be too suprised. We're just trying to get through the day with love, humor, perseverance, patience, kindness, and love.

[Guest guest]

,

Your speech about what to say to parents of children with

disabilities is excellent!!! Exactly right and well worth reading!

Thanks for posting!

Betty

[Guest guest]

Thanks, ! That is very useful.

ette

--------- Re: Things you should never say....

I agree with this and was going to send it to some friends. But, I thought maybe some positive comments would be more constructive and less hurtful to people who usually are wondering what the heck they SHOULD say. I'm not sure telling them all the wrong things is helpful. I wonder sometimes what to say to a parent whose child is having a meltdown, but I can always say a heartfelt "I understand".

ette

mom to Faith (10)DS

-------------- Original message from " Bolduc" <jhunter5431charter (DOT) net>: --------------

Things you should never say to a parent with children with special needs.

1) "So are they going to live in a group home?"--This is the like asking a parent of a "normal" child "So are your kids going to be living in a prison?"2) "Are they learning anything in school?" --This is like asking the parent of a "normal" child "So is your child stupid?"3) "God know what he was doing when he gave you these children."--We call this the halo effect. It's meant to be supportive but it makes you think that either God has a strange sense of humor or hates you. 4) "What kind of future can they have?"--As if they aren't going to have a "good" future. What is the alternative-eugenics, euthanasia? Oh just shoot me now and get it over with.5) "Why do my taxes pay for special ed classes? Is PT, OT and speech actually education?" We lost a friendship over this one. It's saying that my children are worthless.6) "You have so much patience. God knew what he was doing."--This is usually said right about the time that your a

t the end of your rope and want to strangle the kid. Or when you've just blown up at your husband, or your wife, or the kid, or the teacher, or the bus driver, or the dog etc etc etc. See also answer to question #3.If you've ever asked these question don't feel bad. We all have our off moments. Just remember when our answers aren't exactly what you were expecting don't be too suprised. We're just trying to get through the day with love, humor, perseverance, patience, kindness, and love.