Thanks for replies

[Guest guest]

I don't know how old your son is but I've got 3 boys, 19,

17 (and ADHD) and 10 (OCD). I learned the hard way (thanks to

and his ADHD) that I had to get out of the way and ~Let Go and

Let God~ do some things. I also had to Let Go and Let be

responsible for his own education. When I did that, suddenly things

fell into place. hated charts too-- they never worked in this

house and quite frankly, who has the time? I worked outside of the

home with 3 kids-and when I became a stay at home mom-- I still had

no time for charts. I also Let Go and Let The Teachers do their

jobs. When behavior problems were brought to my attention, I replied

with a note " I fully support you in your decision to give X

consequences for his behavior (fill in the X with whatever-- going to

the principal's office, or when he got older, in-school suspension,

etc). It wasn't my problem. It was NATHAN'S problem and the

school's problem. Sure, I discussed his behavior with him, but he

knew the buck stops with him. Mommy wasn't going to have a nervous

breakdown over HIS responsibilities (his grades, his behavior, his

LIFE)!!!

If you are constantly trying to motivate him, his natural reaction is

to rebel. Afterall- he's a kid. He's GOING to defy the very thing

you want him to do. Let Go. It's not your responsibility. His

school work and grades are HIS responsibility and when he realizes

that, he'll find his motivation.

Now, go take a LONG hot bubble bath and forget his problems and Take

Care of YOURSELF.

Joni

> Dear Jule, , a, Jay, Barbara, Jackie, and anyone I

missed:

> Thanks so much for your replies! It helps so much to know that I'm

not alone. I still don't have any answers but I'm working on it. I

will definitely incorporate some of your ideas though. It is so

frustrating to have this brilliant kid who is so unmotivated! I'm

just about at the point of the old behavioral modification technique

of M & Ms for every correct response! Somehow I don't think his

teacher will go for it though! Seriously though, I just have to find

the right motivation. He really wants a hamster, maybe we'll earn

points toward that.

> in TX

[Guest guest]

HI :

I know you have already got a lot of wonderful replies. There have been a

lot of questions and concerns on our list lately about behavior

modification programs. Your email really got me thinking.

I am so sorry to hear of Ian's struggles with school. It sounds like his

teacher is not accustomed to dealing with kids with OCD and that he is

getting bored with school.

We had to make a lot of changes at home to help Steve learn how to deal

with his OCD. We got advice from quite a number of different mental health

professionals and there was quite a variation in their recommendations.

What we found worked was a " supportive " behavior modification approach.

Our kids, however bright they are, get plenty of negative reinforcement for

their primarily NBD-caused behaviors. IMO this means that a behavior

modification approach must guard against the simple tough-love model. What

our kids are desperate for is positive reinforcement and I believe this is

quite possible even without risking too much " manipulation " . Often our

kids behave in ways that look like manipulation and in a simplistic sense

this is what is going on with them. However when we look more closely and

understand that much of their behavior is rooted in fear, and we commit to

externalizing OCD, we can recognize these behaviors as adaptive in the same

way that compulsions are adaptive. They only provide temporary relief and

are not the solution for a lifetime of coping effectively with OCD and its

effects.

When picking behaviors to track during behavior modification it is helpful

to have many more positive behaviors to track than negative ones. Not only

are we already more than effective at giving feedback for negative

behaviors, but so are others who influence our kids. It helps us to change

our perspective on the situation to focus primarily on rewarding positive

behaviors. Also we get quicker results by reinforcing positive behaviors

than by sanctioning negative behaviors. IT takes a lot of patience to help

kids with NBDs change their behavior and it can take a long time to see

change happening consistently. We worked on this for months and noticed

our NT kid's behavior changed far more rapidly than our beloved OCDer.

Another helpful thing is to have ways that our kids can offset negative

consequences of their difficult behaviors. So for example if homework was

not done and there is some sanction, this sanction can be reduced if a

child gets set on doing homework right away. I am not convinced that money

incentives are the most helpful. Even if it seems not true at first, most

kids are amazingly motivated by parental and other adult approval alone.

Also for teens getting peer approval is a big plus.

I used to feel the way you expressed , have tried everything and

nothing seems to work, things just seem to get worse. What helped me

develop a better plan were 1) getting very good help from Steve's

psychologist who really knows a lot about changing kids' behavior as he

works in an autistic kids clinic, and 2) reading Dr. Ross Greene's book,

" The Explosive Child " .

With the help of these two gentlemen I was able to become more the parent

Steve needs rather than the parent I thought I should be. I learned to

forgive myself for making mistakes, not to be defensive about my parenting

bloopers, and to give myself time out whenever things got to be too much

for me.

Do you feel that things are on the right track with the bedwetting program?

From what I have read this seems to be a typical NBD issue, not a problem

with poor self management.

As our kids get better at coping with their OCD we can hold them to the

same standards as kids without NBDs. Even then there will be slippages.

Please do not worry about apoligizing for your problems being minor.

these problems are very difficult and it is so hard to see our loved ones

suffer like this. Ian is so lucky to have you as his mom, looking out for

him and applying her intuition to how best to help him handle his

challenges. Good luck, take care, aloha, Kathy

At 05:42 PM 03/27/2001 -0600, you wrote:

> & He really wants a hamster, maybe we'll earn points toward

>that. in TX

[Guest guest]

Hi,

I just wish to thank Sue, Dawn and Mercuria for their replies to my

1st posting - I hope I haven't missed anyone.

I am very pleased to have found this group because if these sensible

replies are an example of the help members give to one-another and

particularly those of us in real need,then their is no reason for

anyone to feel isolated with their problems. Once again, many thanks.

[Guest guest]

You are very welcome, . I would definitely agree that there is no reason to

feel isolated in one's problems. This group is awsome about helping you out, no

matter what is going on. Please keep us posted on your daughter's progress.

Take care,

Dawn

Hi,> > I just wish to thank Sue, Dawn and Mercuria for their replies to my >

1st posting - I hope I haven't missed anyone.> I am very pleased to have found

this group because if these sensible > replies are an example of the help

members give to one-another and > particularly those of us in real need,then

their is no reason for > anyone to feel isolated with their problems. Once

again, many thanks.> >

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