Venting

[Guest guest]

For the past couple of days I have felt the urge not to live anymore.

Yesterday when I was coming back from work, I have to cross a busy

interception in the opposite direction and it was at one point I was

hoping one would hit me and this would be all over with. I can't

describe how frustrating this is to a person who has never had this

but I know most of you know. I normally break down crying at least

four times a day now.

My apartment is covered in head to toe in Epsom salt and I bought a

dehumidifier. It doesn't seem to be working. I'm on my six time

taking ivermectin. My eye sight has started to go because of the

sulfur, my throat hurts everyone once in a while from the cleaning

products, and my brain has lost so much intelligence. I don't

understand why there is nothing out there for help. I just don't. I

have a doctor's appointment on Tuesday to get Tetracycline but fear

rejection once again. I only get so many appointments a year and

don't have the money to keep on pumping them out. I'm trying to

commit myself to only this and work but I fear at points it is too

much. My parents have not been much help but I guess I can

understand. My brother has some kind of chromosome disorder causing

seizures so they mostly bothered with him or my sister who is still in

high school. They sent the money for the dehumidifier but I don't

think they can handle anymore emotional drama. Not to mention my mom

won't shut-up about student loans and how I don't want to get bad

credit. I'm going to be honest, I don't fucking care right now.

The thing that sucks most about this is I didn't do anything to get

this. I didn't have sex with 12 random guys in a methlab, didn't

smoke, do drugs, snort glue, and yet here I am, once a perfectly

healthy individual, slowly destroying myself in attempt to free myself

of something that no one will help me with. I once had an IQ of 130,

nice skin, and was a pretty easy going person. Now I fear my brain

will be mush before this is over, think I might have skin cancer on

some moles, and constantly am depressed. Not to mention my new

neighbors already think I'm a nut job. My apartment looks like a meth

lab. I understand their view point but unfortunately I feel I can't

explain the situation. Every once in a while my boyfriend will come

over and suggest I get something like a table or a dresser. I get so

annoyed because it isn't like I don't want those items, I just don't

want another thing to clean. I don't enjoy wall to wall Epsom salt,

sleeping on an air mattress, and riding a bike to work. I don't even

wear clothes I like because I don't want to put money in something I'm

going to want to throw away later. I used to be a good dresser too....

My friend gave me some Zantaxs, however you spell that, to help with

the stress but I don't want to bombard myself with anymore crap. I

feel like and AIDS patient, no offense to AIDS patients, but with the

amount of medicine I'm taking, we share a common bond. I don' t have

anything I look forward to anymore accept leaving all this behind.

I'm also probably really depressed due to the Ivermectin.

At work I've stopped caring. At home I've stopped caring. Even in my

friendships and family I've stopped caring. I would leave everything

behind to be free of this. Unfortunately, even if I did that, I would

bring them along.