'I had no-one' Story of a PLWHA

[Guest guest]

'I had no-one'

As part of a BBC series on Aids, people living with HIV from around the

world tell their own stories in their own words. 'Tamil contemplated'

suicide. 'Tamil' works as a peer educator in Trichi, India. She describes

how she lost her husband and child to the disease and how she came to

terms with her own infection.

My name is Tamil and I am HIV positive.

I knew very well what my husband's character was like. I frequently

advised him not to have sexual contact with so many people but he

always wanted many partners.

I had no parents or support, just the marriage. So I was alone - there

was nobody to care for me. But after some time, I said look, I have no-

one else, so please change your habits. He did improve, but when I fell

pregnant again I decided to go for an HIV test.

He said no - there's no need to be tested. So without him knowing, I

went to a clinic for a test.

HIV positive

The result: HIV positive. My husband's workplace was some 50

kilometres away, so I rang him up and told him and I said to him that

I'm going to commit suicide. He asked me to promise not to and he

came to me.

We both knew he was positive without going for a test. I could only have

got it from him.

I told them at the time that it was jaundice because I was afraid of the

stigma and discrimination

He is dead now. After I was tested, he fell sick due to the depression.

He was healthy but the depression brought it on. At the time I was

heavily pregnant and it was too late to have an abortion. He didn't eat

properly, he wasn't interested in doing so, he just kept saying: I am

going to die, there is no medicine, I am going to die.

He lived for 11 days after my child's birth. The 11th day of my second

child's birth, he died. Then on the 40th day, the child also died. She was

healthy, very healthy - no symptoms, no fever - we don't know what is

the reason. Early in the morning, at 4 o'clock, the child died.

No support

It was very hard for me because if I had an arranged marriage I'd have

the family's support. Nor did I have the support of my in-laws.

I didn't tell anybody that I had the virus.

I told them at the time that it was jaundice because I was afraid of the

stigma and discrimination.

After finding out about my infection I barely left the house. I stayed

inside crying and crying. I was so afraid to tell anyone I didn't receive

any counselling. But now I am starting to tell everyone.

I belong to the Tamil Nadu network of Positive People and work as a

peer educator.

This interview was conducted by Vineeta Dwivedi of the Hindi section at

the BBC World Service

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/south_asia/3227275.stm