Human Mildew

May 29, 2005

Human Mildew

Friday, May 27, 2005 - Bangor Daily News

Dermatologists in Bangor have been diagnosing Human Mildew in the past three

weeks. Dr. Gallagher, a local dermatologist, stated, " I've never seen

any cases of Human Mildew before three weeks ago, when suddenly I saw two cases.

Last week I had 12 cases. It is characterized by wooly growth coming out of the

ears and similar wooly changes are found on the eyebrows giving the patient a

werewolf-like appearance. Some of the other dermatologists think this is just a

variant of swimmers ear but these cases are indeed Human Mildew and are the tip

of the iceberg, so to speak. "

Human Mildew is a rare condition caused by an overgrowth of yeasts, fungi and

mold. The recent relentless weather has precipitated the epidemic. Many patents

exhibit depressive symptoms i.e. irritability and episodes of crying. These

symptoms may be simply due to the weather alone or perhaps due to unexplained

toxic effects of fungi on the brain. Dermatologists in Portland have incorrectly

blamed the condition on the weatherman and not the weather - a common mistake.

The therapy is removal of the patient to a warm, sunny and dry environment. One

patient found that a trip to Las Vegas cleared the lesions in a few days. The

CDC and the federal gum'mit have been alerted. An anonymous source at Newsweek

relates a rumor that Rumsfeld has already diverted to Airport a

Telford Airline plane flying from Bangor to Baghdad. Rumsfeld allegedly

grumbled, " The werewolves fit the profile of terrorists. And by the way, where

the devil is Bangor? "

Dr. Gallagher continued in the interview, " If we don't get a break in the

weather I am sure we will be seeing more folks in the mall looking like

characters from a King novel. "

Gallagher, M.D., is a Bangor dermatologist. He is a member of the

American Academy of Dermatology.

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