Anti-Mold Building Material Under Development

[Guest guest]

Snellville, GA ---

Despite many failed attempts to develop mold-resistant building materials

capable of delivering on long-term guarantees, a new product is currently under

development which shows incredible promise.

The discovery of the perfect building medium was a complete accident. Snellville

housewife and sick building victim Delia Twitty was staring blankly into her

open refrigerator one day when it came to her. Having wandered aimlessly about

the house for what may have been hours in the mental state known to indoor mold

patients as " brain fog " , Twitty stated she was awakened from her fog by a sudden

insight.

" I was just standing there, sheilding my eyes from the glare of the refrigerator

light, and then it hit me. " Twitty couldn't remember why she had opened the

refrigerator door or how long ago she had done so, but realized the rainbow-hued

mold snuggling up to the ancient veggies and vintage milk products had somehow

avoided every hog fat product in sight. Twitty awoke from her dazed state to a

whole new world of mold-free possibilities.

" There was some stuff in there, I didn't even remember what it used to be, "

Twitty recalled excitedly. " But you could recognize the the fatback - and the

Sam's Club Family Pak of Thick-Cut Bacon Ends and Pieces, and even the puddle of

grease left by the baby back ribs from my Boo's T-ball reunion last fall. That's

when I knew it. Mold hates hog. " Twitty's husband, Lester, heard her screaming,

and dashed from the garage to the kitchen to find her frantically attempting to

reassemble the bacon into slabs with cocktail toothpicks.

Lester Twitty, a former construction worker and son of a hog farmer himself, was

confused at first. He thought he had seen something shaped like his wife's

attempted construction in " Close Encounters of the Third Kind " , and at first

thought his wife had been contacted by aliens. However, he calmed down once he

realized the lights in the house were working ok and the children were all

present and accounted for.

Twitty is now looking for a way to convince the discovers of Hogzilla, the 800

pound hog he saw on the internet last year, to exhume the huge carcass once

again. Not only would digging up the carcass prove once and for all that hog fat

doesn't get moldy no matter how long you leave it laying around, but the

difficulties of building a life-sized prototype for a permanently mold-proof

home building product would be greatly overcome. " We know we're on the right

track here, " said Twitty excitedly. " We just have to figure out how to get that

wall of fatback to stand up without flopping over when the sun comes out and

warms it up a little. "

Twitty admits that the idea of using stacked coffee cans of grease would have

worked better structurally, but the once ubiquitous stovetop cans of grease are

difficult to acquire. They have been replaced by tubs of " I Can't Believe It's

not Butter " or the spray product PAM in most homes these days. Twitty expressed

disappointment at the passing of a great American kitchen tradition, noting that

not only do people not cook with pork grease these days, but the popularity of

bagged exotic coffees has driven Folger's cans nearly out of existence as well.

Asked how he thought the fatback material night work with existing insulation

materials, Twitty grinned. " What insulation? You ever seen a hog shiver? See

now, that's the beauty of it. It's wall board AND insulation, just as nature

intended. "

Experiments in retrofitting older homes with a spreadable version of rendered

hog fat are also under way. A local modular home was chosen. Although reporters

didn't go close enough to examine it closely, the experimental installation is

barely visible at a distance and can only be detected as a kind of blurry

effect. When asked about possible odor problems, Twitty pushed back his ballcap

and scratched his head. " Well, we'll get to that. Mold doesn't smell too good,

either, you know. We just have to remind folks that odor-wise, fatback is just a

hop skip and a jump from pork chops. Mmmmm-mmmm! " Although PETA has yet to

issue a statement of its own on the subject, Twitty firmly states he doesn't

really care how those anti-farmer tree huggers like their eggs, let alone their

bacon.

Serena

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