Re: OK, is she HELPING me or not? Long, possibly whiney...

[Guest guest]

HI Eileen,

I have two girls that will be 19 and 17

this year. They have both seen me lose weight and regain more than once

large amounts. They have also seen me very sick with a brain tumor,

diabetes, etc. When I had lost a whole person in weight (over 150 pounds)

they were very proud of me and I was exercising all the time and they really

thought I would keep it off. Now I have to tell you I have one daughter

who is normal size and one that is over 200 pounds (the younger being the

heavier one). My “normal size” daughter can be hard to please. For instance, at home I have

lost what seems to be more weight then at the doctors. So I said wow I

lost X amount of weight (going by the scale at home). A few days later I

weighed at the doctors and said I lost X amount of weight (a different amount

going by the doctors scale). She said that she thought I had lost more

than that, etc. Kind of ticked me off. My husband is trying to lose

weight to and of course he loses faster then me but I stick to it longer so in

the end I usually have better results. Anyway, she is about to go away to

college again and I said if I keep going and we really don’t see each other for months like she thinks it is going to be this

semester, I will look a lot better the next time I see you. Long story

short, it came out that she thinks my husband will lose more then me and look

better then me next time she sees him. I don’t really care who loses more as long as we both lose. But, I

am just trying to point out that while we are our own worst critics, so are our

kids; its just a fact of life. I have more motivation to do well then my

husband because I am doing this for my health not just because of my

weight. The same daughter who gives me crap sometimes about my weight,

goes out and gets my favorite chocolate when she is on a candy run for

herself. Know what, I refuse to eat it, I will stare at it in the fridge

and wave every time I open the door. Everywhere there are sabotagers, I

have them at work to. In the end, she loves you and wants you to do

well. I have to believe that, don’t you?

Fondly,

Jodee

From:

100-plus [mailto:100-plus ] On Behalf Of Eileen

Sent: Sunday, January 27, 2008

5:06 PM

100plus

Subject: OK, is she

HELPING me or not? Long, possibly whiney...

My 20 yoDD has

been Hell on Wheels for the last couple of weeks. I'm trying to be the Good

Mom, the loving and supportive Mom,, but I am also the mom that refuses to take

crap from her kid (this and being the Good Mom are not mutually exclusive in my

book). There was a major blowup this AM on something unrelated, and she

said she was going to a friend's " safe " house. Well, it turns out

that friend's parents don't necessarily want the drama over there either, so

she can't go over there... but I did calm her down and she's now working on an

essay for her English class.

This is the

thing I'm still struggling to process. Last night, out at dinner, I

mentioned that, at Weight Watchers, T was down a bit (less than a lb), and I

was up the same amount. " How much have you lost so far? " As many of

you know, this is an explosive question. " Well, both T and I seem to

be gaining and losing the same 5 lbs over and over. " " Perhaps, you

should rethink your approach " POW. Which may very well be

true, but I don't think it's her place, as my daughter, to say so. Unless I'm

cooking meth in the kitchen, I don't think she can tell me what to do with any

sense of authority. Like L said this morning, at least she knows the

first rule of holes: when you find yourself in a hole, STOP DIGGING. She

completely shut up after that and it was a quiet meal. I rather lost my

appetite so I brought 3/4 of my spaghetti back home. She couldn't finish

her calzone, but she still ordered dessert, a brownie, which showed up covered

with ice cream and whipped cream - the mound of stuff must have been 8 inches

high. It came with 3 spoons, and L offered me some (let's not get into

sabotage here - the poor guy was dealing with Israel and Palestine at the

dinner table, both armed, and trying to save part of the

evening). L and E finished it off. I didn't touch it. That wasn't a

struggle for me - I was no longer hungry, " good " chocolate

gives me migraines, and I don't like whipped cream. Besides, I was barely

holding it together given my anger / frustration / fear.

Now, generally

she is supportive of my admittedly half-hearted efforts to lose weight. She

herself is maybe 15 lbs overweight, and goes through phases where it bothers

her and then it doesn't. When I skip breakfast (my routine for the last

30-40 years), which I know is bad, she will often cut up an apple and bring

that and string cheese and a yogurt to me or wrap it up, stuff generally

healthful and portable, so taking transit to work is not an excuse for not

eating breakfast. I don't know what possessed her to be so brutally

insensitive while we were sitting there waiting for our meal.

I mean, it's MY

battle, and I too have phases where I work on it harder than I do other times.

Her new almost boyfriend is singularly undiplomatic, commenting on my old spice

rack - " your mustard looks like a big chunk of fat " , " that pot

(ceramic, a gift from a coworker) is the ugliest thing I've ever seen " ,

has told her " you sure eat a lot of sugar - don't you ever stop

eating? " so I don't know what to do.

I am having

trouble disconnecting from the situation long enough to accept her comment for

what it was. What was it? (grin). She also made some pretty brutal

comments the last time I put a full face of makeup on. I work in a

construction engineering environment, and except for lipstick, I don't

generally wear makeup. But I used to and I'm old enough to know HOW (52!)

The interesting part of this, is that when I was in High School, a strict,

Catholic environment, I tried to put on some makeup (I was 14) and my mother

basically said anyone who wears black mascara (I'm a redhead) is a whore. So,

someone dissing me about it 40 years later, is rather doubly painful, because

that's essentially what the daughter said to me, too. We're not talking false

eyelashes, pancake makeup, etc. We're talking a little concealer under

the eyes, foundation, lipstick and a quick whack of mascara, just enough to

make pale lashes show up. No blusher, no eyeliner or color on the eyes, no

glitter, no fake lashes. In retrospect, I understand my mom's comment

better than my daughter's. Mom was worried about me sexualizing myself

too early. Trust me, with abuse in my past, the last thing I wanted to do

was be alluring. I just wanted to be a little bit like the other girls,

pretty normal behavior for 14 years old

I think she

truly thinks she's " helping " me. What she's helping me do, on

the surface, anyway, is pray for empty nesthood. After the last couple of

weeks, it can't come soon enough for me (grin).

Thanks for

letting me vent...now I'm off to make the shopping list and get groceries,

which will NOT include the pink-and-white iced animal cookies. Thankfully, I am

now OVER them...

Eileen in OR

[Guest guest]

Oh Eileen I bet there are many COLLEGE parents waiting for the NEW semester to start. People that DONT need to lose weight are the worst to look for any type of support. AT least in my book. I have not found one skinny person (always skinny) that understands the struggles.

I have a neighbor friend (the one that I borrow the dogs from) bitches about 5 to 8 pounds. I look at her and say TAKE A BIG SUCK PILL. I will take the 5 to 8 lb struggle OVER 100 lb struggle any day of the week.

If I remember correctly you have had a lot to deal with as far as FAMILY, work, cleaning out houses, and maybe that is why you are stuck at the same 5 lbs or so. Do you journal maybe you can get an answer from that? OR go with my new motto IF I DID NOTHING I would be 500 lbs. You get my drift.

N.H.Start the year off right. Easy ways to stay in shape in the new year.

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 1/27/2008 2:06:57 P.M. Pacific Standard Time, ebax@... writes:

I mean, it's MY battle, and I too have phases where I work on it harder than I do other times.

I am having trouble disconnecting from the situation long enough to accept her comment for what it was. What was it? (grin). She also made some pretty brutal comments the last time I put a full face of makeup on.

I think she truly thinks she's "helping" me. What she's helping me do, on the surface, anyway, is pray for empty nesthood. After the last couple of weeks, it can't come soon enough for me (grin).

I think kids will be kids and try to push any buttons they can at any given time. Could be any number of factors in play here between the two females (hormones, etc).

Hugs Eileen - the other gals were right, you have had a lot on your plate in this past year alone, so to at least be maintaining or slowly losing is great progress.

Hope this week went better for you and that you have a good new week,

in WAGoal for Bloomsday 5/4/08: 275.4/253.8/225.4 (28.4 lbs to go!!)310/253.8/170 (-56.2 total, 13.8 from half-way point)You are able, right now, to choose any thought, any action, and any path. This time, you can choose the very best and truly make it real.-- Ralph MarstonWho's never won? Biggest Grammy Award surprises of all time on AOL Music.