Re: On death and dying

[Guest guest]

AISHA

YOU MUST BE READING MY MIND. THIS IS EXACTLY HOW I AM FEELING AND

THINKING. SO YES I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH.

I AM IN THERAPY FOR SEVERE DEPRESSION AND SUICIDE WATCH. I HAVE SO MANY

HEALTH AND MENTAL PROBLEMS THAT THE THOUGHT OF DEATH IS LOOKING GOOD TO

ME. I FIGURE IT CAN'T BE ANY WORSE THAN THIS LIFE OF HELL I'M IN. I

LOVE MY HUSBAND DEARLY AND MY DAUGHTER AND I DON'T WANT TO HURT THEM

LIKE THIS WOULD. SO I CONTINUE TO SUFFER. MY HUSBAND IS A GOD SEND I

WILL REALLY MISS HIM WHEN HE GOES BACK TO WORK NEXT WEEK. MY DAUGHTER

IS MOVING TO FLOIDA ON THE 26th OF APRIL TO BE WITH HER FUTURE HUSBAND.

SO I WILL BE ALONE.

MY HUSBAND WORKS FUNNY HOURS. I DON'T SEE HIM FROM MORNING TO MORNING,

EXCEPT FOR HIS DAY OFF.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO WRITE SO LONG, IT JUST CAME ROLLING OUT.

I LOVE THIS LOOP AND EVERYONE ON IT THANKS.

DONNA

[Guest guest]

Dear Donna,

" I LOVE MY HUSBAND DEARLY AND MY DAUGHTER AND I DON'T WANT TO HURT THEM LIKE

THIS WOULD. SO I CONTINUE TO SUFFER. "

Exactly - you know that they would and I could not do that. Ever. I would

never want them to hurt - I know I would never recover if my husband killed

himself. So I know he would never recover if I did.

Its not that I want to die - I just dont want to be feeling as I do.

" MY HUSBAND IS A GOD SEND I WILL REALLY MISS HIM WHEN HE GOES BACK TO WORK

NEXT WEEK. "

Is there no way you can organise some home care? Surely you cannot manage on

your own?

" I DIDN'T MEAN TO WRITE SO LONG, IT JUST CAME ROLLING OUT. "

Honey, you havent written long and there is no need to apologise anyway even

if you had written a long vent. How will you cope on your own? This worries

me alot. What is suicide watch? Doesn't that mean that there has to be

someone there?

I often wonder why I bother with alot of the things I do, even starting

lists like this one. Then I get a letter like the one you just sent telling

me how much the list has helped you and it changes my perspective. Makes me

glad that I started it.

Once you are in that down cycle it is so hard to get out of it. Life loses

its meaning and you have no energy to do anything about it anyway. Yet I

know it is not how I want to be, and that I do not want to die - but I just

feel so helpless and sad that it is all consuming. I cry at anything, and

feel everything all at once. Do you get like this too?

Take care Donna, and do let me know how you are getting on or I will worry

about you.

with love

Aisha.

[Guest guest]

AISHA

NO I DO NOT WANT TO DIE, BUT SOMEHOW IT DOES APPEAL TO ME.

YES THAT IS HOW I AM. SO MUCH OF WHAT YOU WROTE IS ME. MY THERAPIST IS

LOOKING INTO GETTING ME SOME HELP WITH MY MEALS AND SOME ONE TO SPEND

TIME WITH ME. YES THAT IS WHAT SUICIDE WATCH IS I CANNOT BE ALONE FOR

LONG PERIODS OF TIME.

THIS HAS TO BE DONE FAST, BECAUSE MY HUSBAND IS GOIG BACK TO WORK ,

WON'T SEE HIM FROM MORNING TO MORNING THEN MY DAUGHTER IS MOVING TO

FLORIDA NEXT MONTH. I WILL BE ALONE, SO I HAVE TO GET SOME ONE IN HERE

WITH ME FOR COMPANIONSHIP.

I WILL KEEP IN TOUCH. THANK YOU AISHA FOR CARING.

DONNA

[Guest guest]

Dear Donna,

" NO I DO NOT WANT TO DIE, BUT SOMEHOW IT DOES APPEAL TO ME. "

Is that because it is just too hard to go on? Why does it appeal?

" MY THERAPIST IS LOOKING INTO GETTING ME SOME HELP WITH MY MEALS "

Do you have meals on wheels where you are?

" THIS HAS TO BE DONE FAST, BECAUSE MY HUSBAND IS GOIG BACK TO WORK WON'T

SEE HIM FROM MORNING TO MORNING "

That sounds horrible. I would hate that very much.

" I WILL BE ALONE, SO I HAVE TO GET SOME ONE IN HERE WITH ME FOR

COMPANIONSHIP. "

I do understand sweetie. Illness is bad enough but being alone with it

brings out all those fears... what if? And you cannot live a life alone - we

need others.

Do you get those fears when you are alone? Is there anything you can do to

pass the time?

You sound so stressed I wish I could do more to help. Please write when

things get tough ok, we are all here for you Donna.

Blessings of love and abundance to you sweet one,

Aisha.

[Guest guest]

Dear Aisha,

I am so moved by your writing. I have felt so many of the things you talk about when I am in the darkest of my depressive moods. When I have been so sick I can't even move. I have just sat crying and told my husband if this is the way the rest of my life is going to be I don't know if I want to go on. I am not sure what keeps me going. I am not a religious person but something I don't know exactly what it is. A spark of hope I guess. The ever hopeful optimizum that maybe this time something is going to work. My husband, my children. Yes I too have thought of ending it. But I couldn't never put my children through that. And even sick is better than nothing at all. But when your in the midst of those dark thoughts it can be hard to pull yourself out. It is very painful to feel so alone at times. Just my thoughts at the moment Kellie On death and dying

From: "Aisha Elderwyn" <aisha@...>

Hi all....

I know this is a bit of a morbid topic, but it is one we all go through and since this list is about sharing, I wanted to share my feelings with you on how I am at the moment. Please feel free to delete it now if you are not interested in this topic or are feeling sensitive to such imput.

Following this is tonight's journal entry. Please feel free to share your own experiences and feelings on this topic, no matter how negative it may seem. Illness is not pleasant so there is no need to always be positive - I should put that in my book too... I really need to take my own advice!

with love, Aisha.

____________

Extract from Aisha's Private Journal

Sunday March 26, 2000Time: 10:08 PM

I am here contemplating life. Ever been so unhappy or depressed that you wonder why you go on with life? Why do we keep fighting? Have you ever considered suicide - do you think that you would be better off dead? I wonder about that. Since we dont know what death is like perhaps it is worse! Although worse then living with all this illness, pain, and frustration would have to be pretty bad.

On the flip side, I do not want to be without my husband or family. I love them too much. Especially my husband who looks after me and treats me like a princess when all I feel like is a dirty old sack of spuds.

I am back to thinking about death. I remember when my friend died of leukaemia. At her funeral her fiancee’s face... words cannot describe. I would not want my family to go through that. So I cannot kill myself. Yet we face death all the time when we are ill or looking after someone who is. What gets you through it? How do we go on and why do we fight to stay alive?

I believe that I should be feeling grateful for all that I have. For I am so much better off then most. But the depression hits hard at times and I just want to give up. Anti-depressant medication does not help. How can it help such a deep seated feeling that comes from the core of your soul?

I try so hard to do what is right, to be positive, to help others. But at the end if the day it is just me who is left here. My chosen family are wonderful (the rest of my family are assholes) and I have no friends other then my cyber friends who understand where I am at and who I believe genuinely care - and I value that. At least it is real. Better then someone who tells you they love you then dont phone for a month or three.

I always come across as this strong individual - and on many levels I am. But I am also a gentle, caring, ultra sensitive being who needs nurturing too. People tend to leech instead not balance the give and take, and then I end up empty. Like now. Alone. I literally cannot talk. Physically cannot. What would I say. "Hello I am not happy." Well I think that is obvious from the tears streaming down my face.

But what do I do now? I just sit here and cry. I dont want to be sick. I want my life back. I am 26 and may possibly be like this for another 60 years. Well that is double the time I have been alive. I am a good person. What the fuck did I do to deserve this?Sure spiritually I could get all metaphysical and say that from this my spirit is growing. And I am sure it is. Everything happens for a reason - no doubt. That perspective does not help when the dark days hit you. Its character building.... well I think I have enough character!

I dont want to tempt fate. I know things could be millions of times worse and I am grateful for what I have, I just want this illness over with. I want to not be in constant pain. I want to be free from all my limitations. If there is a God, or higher spiritual beings or whoever is up there.... please ... please take this illness away from me and let me live a healthy life with my loved ones. As the Crowded House* song says "All I ask is to live each moment free from the last."

I guess I do.

*(All I ask by Neil Finn/Tim Finn from the album Woodface 1991)

________________Extract taken from "Being Sick" by Aisha Elderwyn. Copyright © 2000. . Copying or selling this material in any way is illegal

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[Guest guest]

" It is very painful to feel so alone at times. "

And that sums it all up - feeling alone. Being Sick makes you so isolated.

That is the core of the problem isnt it.

love Aisha.