Guest guest Posted July 22, 2000 Report Share Posted July 22, 2000 1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves > > > your groin > > > unprotected. > > > > > > 02. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no > > > pain, no pain. > > > > > > 03. I'm in shape. Round is a shape. > > > > > > 04. I'm desperately trying to figure out why > > > Kamikaze pilots wore > > > helmets. > > > > > > 05. Do illiterate people get the full effect of > > > alphabet soup? > > > > > > 06. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I > should > > > have been more > > > specific. > > > > > > 07. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he > > > gets mad at you, but > > > when you take him in a car he sticks his head > > > out the window? > > > > > > 08. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you > is > > > an idiot, but > > > anyone going faster is a maniac? > > > > > > 09. You have to stay in shape. My mother started > > > walking five miles a > > > day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have > > > no idea where she is. > > > > > > 10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. > When > > > I go out, I lock > > > every other one. I figure no matter how long > > > somebody stands there > > > picking the locks, they are always locking > > > three of them. > > > > > > 11. One out of every three Americans is suffering > > > from some form of > > > mental illness. Think of two of your best > > > friends. If they are OK, then > > > it must be you. > > > > > > 12. They show you how detergents take out > > > bloodstains. I think if > > > you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over > > > it, maybe your laundry > > > isn't your biggest problem. > > > > > > 13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their > > > walls and they tell you > > > it's because they're such beautiful animals. I > > > think my wife is > > > beautiful, but I only have photographs of her > on > > > the wall. > > > > > > 14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at > > > my suede jacket and > > > said, " Don't you know a cow was murdered for > > > that jacket? " I said " I > > > didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll > > > have to kill you too " > > > ... > > > 15. Future historians will be able to study at the > > > Jimmy > > > Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the > > > Reagan Library, and the > > > Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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