Re: Question & Suggestions please LONG!

[Guest guest]

> I would never feel safe bringing a child into my home that I didn't

know their family, or the things that went on during their

pregnancy! There is a really good reason behind it, and it rips my

heart out, but I know for a fact that I would NOT feel safe in my own

> home. I can't do it!

> Even if I could adopt a child... no one would let me with all my

allergies... I can have my own child or NOTHING! Those are my choices!

>

> I give up!

Hi Anne

I sure can understand the intense need to have your own child. I

suffered two miscarriages (one 5 1/2 months pregnant) before I had my

daughter. I did not know then that I was sick, however I really found

out when I was pregnant.

I do not want to shatter your dreams, I know how much it hurts to

yearn to hold your own child in your arms, and I would not do

anything differently even if I could go back in time. However, there

are a couple of things that I feel that I want to share with you, in

the most loving and understanding way.

My boyfriend left before I found out that I was pregnant with my

daughter, and showed no interest when he heard that I had given birth

to her. I was OK with that, cause I was just so maternal that I

thought that I could be everything to her, mom, dad, all wrapped up

in one! That was fine until she started going to preschool and kept

coming home crying to me cause some children there had been asking

her who her dad was. My daughter replied that she didn't have one,

and they laughed at her, and said everyone has a dad. My heart felt

like it was breaking for the first time, and certainly not for the

last time. When she finally met her biological father at the age of

five he told me privately that I had done a great job with her, and

she looked just like his 2 daughters (from a previous marriage)He

didnt want the photo album that I had prepared for him to take away

with him, and did not want me to send him information on how she was,

or send photos. Now that I am in a permanent relationship (since my

daughter was 6 yrs old, she is now 11) with a 4 yr old son, I regret

so many things. Although I would not be without my daughter, I think

that I was selfish to bring her into the world thinking that I could

be everything to her. I could never have an abortion, and I actually

tried to get pregnant with her, although I really knew that my

relationship with her father wouldnt last.

She has really suffered because she has seen my son grow up with his

real father and extended family, something that she never had. She

has suffered extreme jealousy, due to the fact that she didnt have to

share me for 6 yrs, it was just her and me, very cosy and special

relationship, but a crisis for her when I met my partner and 18

months later had another child. All of a sudden she is not the only

person in my life, and she still finds this hard to accept.

My partner, although a wonderful person, had not had anything to do

with children when we met him, and although he was head over heels in

love with us, my daughters expectations of him were unrealistic. She

thought he would be her " dream daddy " from the moment that we moved

intogether, and it didnt work out that way. Due to the fact that my

partner had some real lifestyle adjustments to do, and she was

terrible shy with him, also which made it hard for him to see how

emotionally needy she was with him. She still resents him for not

being her " real daddy " although she calls him dad, there is not the

bond there. There was too much jealousy, and hurt for her to accept

him totally, and 6 yrs was too long without a father figure. She was

slightly scared of men, just because she had only ever lived with me.

All of a sudden there was this deep voiced hairy tall man in the

house taking up mummies time and attention. She is about to go into

counselling, with us, to help her adjust, as she needs to deal with

these things now, before she becomes and adult and harbours

resentment and hurt for the rest of her life. Remember, he came into

our lives when she was 6 and she is now 11, so this has been a

traumatic 5 year period for all of us, I have watched my daughter

gradually develop emotional problems that are leaving real scars, on

her and on me!

Whew! I wanted you to know the very real and painful aspects of my

life with my daughter, as this has been very hard, and although I

would not be without her, I love her so much, I have a lot of guilt

for thinking that a very loving mother would be enough. Children

still ask her questions, sometimes if it becomes apparant that she

did not always have a dad, this situation came up recently, and she

was faced with telling them her dad is not her dad or lying to her

friend which she didnt want to do. It also hurts that her real father

is not interested in her, and in 11 yrs has never contacted us or

helped out financially in any way.

There is one other thing that has complicated the issue for us also,

and I don't know your health situation enough to know if this is

relevant to you, however, I have passed my genes onto my daughter,

and she suffers the same symptoms as I do, (along with depression

which I don't have, although that probably comes from both her

personal situation and her health combined) I have many AI symptoms,

possibly SLE, or Sjogrens, and she suffers from many symptoms

including seizures as I do, that also affect her life.

SO, lovingly, please consider if you want to take the chance of

ending up in a situation like mine. I have passed my genetic material

on, causing health problems in my child, and not only that, but have

burdened her with a disadvantage (and I NEVER thought before I had my

daughter, and even for years afterwards when I patted myself on the

back for doing such a great job with her, that having her alone was

disadvantaging her) however, both finanncially, and more importantly

emotionally my daughter has suffered because of my very real need to

hold my own baby in my arms after tragically losing my first two. I

was not prepared to wait for the right man, I needed a baby right

then and there, and had her. If I could change anything, it would be

having her on my own, it was together, the happiest and loneliest

time of my life (especially at xmas, and when she did something so

cute and there was no one there to tell!)

Please, I know how much you want a baby, and I hope that you take

this in the way I have meant it, I would have probably disregarded

these kind of warnings before I had her too, however I feel that I

have disadvantaged my daughter in life. As she feels that in our own

home that she doesnt fit in, and that breaks my heart.

*HUGS* whatever you do, I hope that it all works out, email me

anytime if you want to chat or ask questions. I have been there, and

what you are contemplating, I did, and it is just so hard!

With love and the very best of intentions

:-)