Sucky night - Something to Believe in?

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone

Ok - sucky night.

Each month we have a composer on the compositions page whose birthday is in that month and who is related to clarinet ideally. Well... for November its Weber. And while listening to midi files to find one relevant I found the last piece of music I ever performed. You can imagine, I am sure, the feelings it has stirred up in me. On one hand I am amazed I was ever able to play it but essentially I am so lost, and more importantly - shattered. I know in reality that I will prolly never be able to again. What am I supposed to do with my life now? Music was all I ever wanted to do.

If you want to hear it is in three parts (quick - all three combined goes for less then 10 mins. Its not me playing, but I did do this as a performance piece. Kinda like sharing my soul - you all wanted to know what I look like - well this is more real then any picture. This is me - the musician.)

1) http://www.elderwyn.com/compositions/webera.mid

2) http://www.elderwyn.com/compositions/weberb.mid

3) http://www.elderwyn.com/compositions/weberc.mid

We had to turn off the airconditioner cause the new neighbours cant sleep with it on 24/7. Now I cant breathe. Fans etc just aint the same. I'm starting to have bad palatal myoclonus. Everyone here is over tired and stressed so I'm keeping to myself or I'll get snapped at. Thank god there is a hospital up the road. If I had to I could prolly walk there. It wont get that bad but emotionally I'm exhausted and blabbering on.

So I look for music. Stupid that I am. Find all my old cd's from before I was seriouslly ill - when I was only sorta ill - thought I was run down you know, then you find out you have a rare disease? Ironically neurological so yeah it all is in my head...

Then I listen to Bon Jovi - of course. Last tickets to a concert I had to give away were to them cause I was too sick to go. I am even dumber then I knew! Putting on a CD that I had not heard for ages thinking it would be good, but naturally it brings back memories. This CD I used to listen to driving to see G when he and I first met way back when. So I have lovely memories of teaching, performing, my car that i had to sell, some sort of freedom - my life.

Now I am in a house where I cant breathe, with a clarinet in a case that I will prolly never play, surrounded by musical recording gear I will prolly never be able to use, having an attack of a stupid damn condition that will prolly never go away that I never wanted.

I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!!

So that was / is where I am at and then this song comes on ...

Something To Believe In These Days 1995 ( J. Bon Jovi)

I lost all faith in my God, in his religion too, I told the angels they could sing their songs to someone new. I lost all trust in my friends, I watched my heart turn to stone, I thought that I was left to walk this wicked world alone.

Tonight I’ll dust myself off, tonight I’ll suck my gut in, I’ll face the night and I’ll pretend, I got something to believe in.

And I had lost touch with reason, I watched life criticize the truth. Been waiting for a miracle, I know you have too.Though I know I won’t win, I’ll take this one on the chin, We’ll raise a toast and I’ll pretend, I got something to believe in.

If I don’t believe in Jesus, how can I believe the Pope. If I don’t believe in heroin, how can I believe the dope. If there’s nothing but survival, how can I believe in sin. In a world that gives you nothing, we need something to believe in.

If I don’t believe in Jesus, how can I believe the Pope. If I don’t believe in heroin, how can I believe the dope. If there’s nothing but survival, how can I believe in sin. In a world that gives you nothing, we need something to believe in.

I dont have anything to belive in ... I just wish it would all go away and I could have my life back again :-(

<vent>

<wallow>

<grumble>

<sigh>

Some days it makes you wonder why we keep going huh?

Love you all.

Aisha

*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*Believe that there's a light at the end of the tunnel.Believe that you may be that light for someone else.- Kobi Yamada*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=* Aisha ElderwynICQ: #55461955 MSN Instant MessengerAIM: aishaelderwynIRC: DALnet # (angel`isha)Email: aisha@... Website: http://www.elderwyn.com/aishaBeing Sick Support Group: Medical Resources and Documents: http://www.elderwyn.com/medicallinks