THINGS TO PONDER

[Guest guest]

THINGS TO PONDER1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeysand apes?5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all thebad girls live.6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren'tgoing as ghosts but as mattresses?9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and thereis no woman around to hear him ... is he still wrong?11. Is there another word for synonym?12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?'13. Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all?'14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating anendangered plant?15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someonewill clean them?18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right toremain silent?23. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?24. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they tastefunny?25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?26. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.27. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to sayit.28. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.29. The older you get, the better you realize you were.30. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.31. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.32. Women like silent men; they think they're listening.33. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.34. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fishand he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.35. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?36. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?37. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?38. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?39. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?40. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?41. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?42. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?43. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?44. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?