Annual Turkey recipe

[Guest guest]

It's time to post my annual turkey recipe.

this recipe is real. I have been making my turkeys this way for the past twenty years and each year there are always compliments annd "What did you do to give the turkey that flavor?" questions. The last four years granddaughter Shelby (now 9) has done all the work. (I just do the lifiting.) This year her sister, Faith (age 4) is excited about making it). It is the single easiest recipe I know of and the taste is as good or better than any I have eaten..

What you need and need to do:

A turkey. (The gobbling kind and not a husband,

in-law or the neighbor who weighs 320 lbs and

mows his lawn without a shirt.

Two pounds of pork bacon. (Not one pound!)

Normal seasonings you would put on the outside

of the turkey. I especially like garlic and poultry

seasoning.)

Five pound bag of potatoes.

small block of cheddar cheese.

*************

Take turkey out of wrapping (if it is wrapped in lavender

with glitter on the body and fishnet stockings on the

drumsticks, you have a gasy turkey. That's good. Not

only will you have a fine turkey, it will also decorate your

living room, pick out the music and touch up your hair

before the guests arrive.

Clean out the inside of the turkey. This is the part where

the kids say, "Yuck!" It is also the part where the grown-

ups say "!#$%^ & *!!!!!!!!!!!!" If you have a use for those

parts that are in there go ahead and use them as you wish.

I understand that they are especially usefall for casting

spells on cartoon princesses, warding off evil spirits--and

friends--when worn on a string around the neck or as church

offering when the preacher talks too long.

Wash. (Do not use the washing machine.)

Place turkey in a roasting pan. (This is the tricky part.

Some turkeys are smarter than others and will know its

a roasting pan and what will happen. Here you must

violate your own personal code of ethics and lie to the

turkey. Tell the turkey it's a tanning booth.

Stuff the turkey as you like or usually do. If you are not

a stuffing lover or prefer stovetop dressing, you can cut

up potatoes into ping-pong ball size and put them inside

the turkey. They will come out pretty good, and since the

turkey will not hold a lot, make sure you get yours before

they are all gone.

Season the turkey liberally. If you are a strong political

conservative swallow your pride and sprinkle the spices

on as though you were giving away money to a turkey

that didn't need or deserve it.

Take the two pounds of bacon (not one pound) out of the

wrapper. (If the bacon came from Palin's Alaska,

wipe off the lipstick.)

Carefully take each bacon strip and lay it on top of the

turkey until all of the turkey's skin is covered. (If you are

inviting a clergyman, maiden aunt ora peeping tom over

for Thanksgiving, make sure all the turkey's private parts

are adequately and modestly covered.)

Wash the potatoes. (Again, do not use the washing

machine unless you want mashed potastoes with a

Tide-based gravy.) Place the potatoes in the roasting

pan around the turkey.

Grate the cheddar cheese and sprinkle on the potates

that are around the turkey. (Optional, but depending on

who is helping you make the turkey so is wearing clothes

while doing all of this.)

Cover the turkey with aluminum foil. Do not use sheet

metal, a canvas tarp or Rosie O'Donnell's bathrobe.)

At 8:00 pm place the turkey in the oven at 200 degrees.

Close the oven door. Do whatever else you want to do

that evening. (Wives can nag their husbands, husbands

can ignore their wives, and the kids can watch Hannah

Montana roast SpongeBob for her Thanksgiving meal.)

At 9:00 am or thereabouts in the morning check the

turkey to see if it is done. If not let it cook a little longer.

When it is done you will have your bacon for breakfast

and the turkey will be just fine on the warm setting until

you are ready to eat.

Enjoy!

Happy thanksgiving!

Bill