sigh....hope this is appropriate, really need some advice

[Guest guest]

I have a friend in England (Gloucester) who I've known on here for 5 years now. We haven't been able to meet yet because his Mom has been ill. Well, I'm at the end of my rope, and so is he! We need advice! (I live in California)

Three years ago his Mom had some kind of fall, but told NO ONE. She started having trouble walking though, so she went to the doc (actually they took her, she didn't want to go), they took x-rays and the doc said it was arthritis, nothing to do but make her get up and move around. (that just sounds wrong, now don't it? but wait, it gets worse...)

She became *deathly* ill and the family ordered the doc to call an ambulance for her. They re-x-rayed her hips and it was discovered that she did not in fact have arthritis, but a broken hip. Beautiful, eh? She had been being forced by the doc (and the family, according to docs orders) to walk on a broken hip for MONTHS.

Well, when she was healthy enough again, a hip replacement was scheduled. Afterwards, she refused to get up and about once home. At the hospital it was of course a different story, as the nurses et all *made* her get up. So it went for another year, her just sitting in her chair, LYING to the physical therapist, doctors and family about her activity level. She lives at home with her husband (who is older than she is, and she's nearly 80) and her youngest son. (my friend) The other siblings have offered to help with her, but the father refuses, saying they are doing fine, my friend 'forced' (he wants to help, but it does get to be too much for him, even if he won't admit it, I KNOW) to do everything. Some of them come over and visit, helping her with her hair and bathing, etc., but everything else is up to my friend.

Her other hip was replaced a year later and she *still* refuses to get up and about. She just sits in her chair in front of the TV watching Jerry Springer, refusing to do anything, won't even go into the kitchen for meals. I have made suggestions over the years, like connect my friends old 'puter downstairs for her to 'explore' the internet and her interests, but he says she's too old fashion and it would just confuse her.

I have tried getting him to get her to come to his room to 'meet me' (just to get her off her butt), but he says his room is too messy! lol (can't blame him there, I'd feel the same way!)

She continues to lie to the PT, docs and anyone else who doesn't know different. A few months ago she had to go into the hospital for tests and she was FINE getting up and walking around and acting 'active' while there, but as soon as she came home...nothing but sitting on her butt!

This is an extremely stubborn old woman and I have no clue what to do. He has told me that he will come to visit this fall, and today he told me he has told HER he plans to visit here 'later in the year,' and that her reaction was *nothing*. To me, that is *not* a good sign. I could go on and on, but...can I *please* have some feedback and/or suggestions please? I just feel so useless from here! When she was in the hospital, I made him print out a fairytale I've been writing about he and I () and she 'didn't get it', but thought it was nice. I made and sent her a *very* suggestive card (that he and I meant something to each other and would like to meet), he told me she said 'I don't get it.' If I were there, I feel sure I could get her up and moving, but there is nothing I can do from here and he refuses to force her, as it makes him feel bad, apparently she's very good at guilt trips.

HELP!!!!!!!!!

Deb

[Guest guest]

Yes this is very appropiate!!! My opinion, if the Mother is almost 80 years old, then there is not much anyone can do to change her mind on how she does her last years ! She is set in her ways and she will not change! I have a Mother-in-law that is doing the same things!!!! It's not her hip, but her health in general is in very bad shape! When she is in the hospital or around her theripist's, she tries hard to do what they ask of her... But as soon as she goes home, she sit's in her chair and my Father-in-law waits on her hand and foot!!! There's nothing that can be done except Love her!!!

That's what is important to her now!!! Just my 2 cents worth )

Glad your going to meet your friend after so many yraes... That will be nice!

{{{ Hugs }}}

Helen

I have a friend in England (Gloucester) who I've known on here for 5 years now. We haven't been able to meet yet because his Mom has been ill. Well, I'm at the end of my rope, and so is he! We need advice! (I live in California)

Three years ago his Mom had some kind of fall, but told NO ONE. She started having trouble walking though, so she went to the doc (actually they took her, she didn't want to go), they took x-rays and the doc said it was arthritis, nothing to do but make her get up and move around. (that just sounds wrong, now don't it? but wait, it gets worse...) She became *deathly* ill and the family ordered the doc to call an ambulance for her. They re-x-rayed her hips and it was discovered that she did not in fact have arthritis, but a broken hip. Beautiful, eh? She had been being forced by the doc (and the family, according to docs orders) to walk on a broken hip for MONTHS. Well, when she was healthy enough again, a hip replacement was scheduled. Afterwards, she refused to get up and about once home. At the hospital it was of course a different story, as the nurses et all *made* her get up. So it went for another year, her just sitting in her chair, LYING to the physical therapist, doctors and family about her activity level. She lives at home with her husband (who is older than she is, and she's nearly 80) and her youngest son. (my friend) The other siblings have offered to help with her, but the father refuses, saying they are doing fine, my friend 'forced' (he wants to help, but it does get to be too much for him, even if he won't admit it, I KNOW) to do everything. Some of them come over and visit, helping her with her hair and bathing, etc., but everything else is up to my friend. Her other hip was replaced a year later and she *still* refuses to get up and about. She just sits in her chair in front of the TV watching Jerry Springer, refusing to do anything, won't even go into the kitchen for meals. I have made suggestions over the years, like connect my friends old 'puter downstairs for her to 'explore' the internet and her interests, but he says she's too old fashion and it would just confuse her. I have tried getting him to get her to come to his room to 'meet me' (just to get her off her butt), but he says his room is too messy! lol (can't blame him there, I'd feel the same way!) She continues to lie to the PT, docs and anyone else who doesn't know different. A few months ago she had to go into the hospital for tests and she was FINE getting up and walking around and acting 'active' while there, but as soon as she came home...nothing but sitting on her butt! This is an extremely stubborn old woman and I have no clue what to do. He has told me that he will come to visit this fall, and today he told me he has told HER he plans to visit here 'later in the year,' and that her reaction was *nothing*. To me, that is *not* a good sign. I could go on and on, but...can I *please* have some feedback and/or suggestions please? I just feel so useless from here! When she was in the hospital, I made him print out a fairytale I've been writing about he and I () and she 'didn't get it', but thought it was nice. I made and sent her a *very* suggestive card (that he and I meant something to each other and would like to meet), he told me she said 'I don't get it.' If I were there, I feel sure I could get her up and moving, but there is nothing I can do from here and he refuses to force her, as it makes him feel bad, apparently she's very good at guilt trips. HELP!!!!!!!!!

Deb

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[Guest guest]

In a message dated 7/3/01 10:51:39 PM Pacific Daylight Time, angelbear1129@... writes:

Glad your going to meet your friend after so many yraes... That will be nice!

Yes, there is a limit to what she'll do now (wish she'd understand there is MORE she can do, but..)...MY problem is she's making HIM feel like sh*t! I also have 'problems' with his father, because he refuses help from his other children, putting it all on my friend! And my friend is so loyal and dutiful, etc., he just does everything. His life is talking to me for an hour or so a day and work, that's it! When we first started talking, he went to the pub sometimes, he went to Christmas parties (and other work associated activities), he went shopping in town, he had friends (real life friends), etc., but not anymore! Please explain to me how a mother can do this to her son??? How can the father do this to his son????

He has depression now because of this! He feels his life is pretty much over and this is how it will be from now on!

I am afraid he isn't going to come visit until she's dead, and *I* don't want that! *I* would like to meet her! (if only to get her out of that damned chair!) How is he supposed to take a vacation (his vacations now are spent digging the garden for his dad and doing repairs around the house) and 'leave' her, with her giving him a guilt trip??? GRRRRRRRR!!!!

Sorry, this is just so frustrating!

Deb

[Guest guest]

Yes, there is a limit to what she'll do now (wish she'd understand there is MORE she can do, but..)...MY problem is she's making HIM feel like sh*t!

####### There's really nothing you can do! But the son can!!! He will have to talk to the other siblings and make his plans around them, so they can look after their elderly parents while he is away!!!

I also have 'problems' with his father, because he refuses help from his other children, putting it all on my friend! And my friend is so loyal and dutiful, etc., he just does everything.

######### The Father will just have to come to terms with him going away for a little while!!

His life is talking to me for an hour or so a day and work, that's it! When we first started talking, he went to the pub sometimes, he went to Christmas parties (and other work associated activities), he went shopping in town, he had friends (real life friends), etc., but not anymore!

######### That is sad (

Please explain to me how a mother can do this to her son??? How can the father do this to his son???? He has depression now because of this! He feels his life is pretty much over and this is how it will be from now on!

#########Does the parents Know what this is doing to the son??? I'll bet they have know idea of what is happening right under their noses!!!!

I am afraid he isn't going to come visit until she's dead, and *I* don't want that! *I* would like to meet her! (if only to get her out of that damned chair!) How is he supposed to take a vacation (his vacations now are spent digging the garden for his dad and doing repairs around the house) and 'leave' her, with her giving him a guilt trip??? GRRRRRRRR!!!! Sorry, this is just so frustrating!

####### Sounds like it!!! But when a Parent gets that old, they just plain forget just how demanding they are!!!! I hope your Friend does get a break... Sure sounds like he needs one!!!!! {{{{ Special Hugs }}}}

Helen

P.S. Tell him for me he is a very good SON!!!!!!! No need for guilt trips!!!!!!

Deb