and Phoebe Re: Speaking of swimming

[Guest guest]

Alden was like this too.

I was pretty strict with him. He would flail, kick, hit,

etc. because he wanted to do what he wanted to do!

I always felt that he understood more than he could tell

me, even at 3. It is hard to know where another child is,

developmentally, over email. But here is what we did.

I would say: Alden, do you want to play in the water? And

then, of course, he was nodding and waving. So then I gave

him parameters. I was always right there with him. Right

beside him. Always. If he broke the demarcation line, I

would haul him back and remind him of where he could play.

If he threw a fit he was OUT of the pool and sitting in a

chair. Then I would immediately ask him if he wanted to

play in the water. Yes, he did and I reminded him of his

rules. I would always tell him that IF he did not stay

where he was supposed to stay then he was OUT.

Now to add to this. He had a large, flat ring that had a

seat in it. He also knew that if he wanted to go into

deeper water with me then he sat in this contraption. It

saved my arms and back and gave him a " rule " that he could

understand.

If he continued to go out beyond his set bounds, then I

would ask him if he wanted to get into his seat and go out

to deeper water.

This took patience and perseverance, consistency, but NOT

that much time. He got it. Simple, continuous

consequences, a bit frustrating at first picking him up and

going to a chair but I never left him in the chair for

minutes... only long enough to go over the rules.

Even now, we have a 12 x 3 ft. pool in our back yard. He

does NOT want to take a break. He does NOT want to quit.

But I use the same tactics. If he wants to swim tomorrow

(I always add if it is not raining) then he needs to obey

me now. He does not come willingly. I have to pick him up

and out. I don't mind that. But his fussiness never lasts

long at all because he knows that I mean business. Also, I

try to give him advance notice. I will tell him, " Alden,

two more minutes and then we have to go in for dinner " . He

could care less but it is teaching him expectations, a time

frame, etc.

Also, I would add that the technique of acknowledging what

the child wants really does help. You feed back to him/her

what he is wanting. It can get them to calm down and

realize that you are hearing their desire. So while you

may feel awkward saying it... repeat what the child wants

or what you think the child is asking:

" Phoebe, you want to swim! " " Phoebe wants to get into the

water! " " Phoebe wants to swim! " Not a question but a

statement. Calmly repeat what she wants. 3 or 4 times but

make sure she is listening. Keep it the same, short and

simple. Then lay out the rule for getting to do that or

getting her desired request.

It really helps Alden because he does not think his desire

is being heard. Also, it is not always about immediate

gratification. Just the other day, he wanted to get into

the pool but it had to wait until I had the water adjusted.

As he started to repeat what HE wanted and was getting

fussy and frustrated I put him on my lap and repeated what

he was telling me until he really looked at me and stopped

crying and said YES. I briefly explained when he would be

able to swim. AFTER such and such because of this. Then I

tell him, " First lunch, then the store, and THEN swim. " He

may not be happy the first time and if he fusses I do it

all again because HE thinks, " You stupid old woman, you do

not understand Engish! " LOL. By the time I do it a second

time, he may be sniveling but he ALWAYS calms down and then

will tell me, " Lunch, store, THEN swim " . (with cute little

quivering smile and a tear rolling down him face... GOSH he

is cute!!!) I praise him big time and say, " YES! Lunch,

store, THEN swim! " I stay enthusiastic and happy and all

through lunch and shopping he will remind me of the

sequence. He NEEDS to know that his desires are being

heard. It makes a big difference. Of course, sometimes he

has to wait longer and sometimes the answer is NO, but then

you can redirect. If it is raining, we cannot swim BUT we

can do play doh, or whatever. This has worked very well

with Alden.

The hardest area that I have, even using these techniques

and his strict protocol are the feeding issues. Gosh, when

my husband is gone and I have to do ALL of his feeding... I

just want to call a friend and ask them to come feed him!

I get so tired of going through the protocol trying to get

him to chew or try something, to " take a bite " or to self

feed. WHEW~

Not sure if this helps but with Joe gone again, I feel good

getting to talk to an adult for a moment!!! Sorry so

long!!!!

Kiersten