Power struggles

[Guest guest]

Hi Ellen,

I'm curious about your homework helper - how did that come about? My

daughter (8) struggles terribly with homework. Anything that she'd

have to think about she just shuts down and says she needs me to tell

her what to write. Or says she just can't do it, says " I don't get

it " before she even reads it or gives it any moment's thought. I have

to sit with her the whole time and push her to get it done, oftentimes

I feel like I did most of it myself. Alot of it stems from her being

so darn tired at the end of the day.

I've been thinking she would probably do so much better with an

outside person, but I doubt I could afford this.

nna.

> With my Asperger's son, I was told a long time ago, to never get into

> power struggles with him. So, we try hard to avoid them because he

> doesn't get it exactly right and it just upsets him more.

> For my OCDers what is recommended? Right now we have someone helping

> my daughter with her homework and they are struggling a ton. As the

> helper doesn't give into her OCD ways. The OCD pushes and pushes and

> sometimes the helper gives in slightly, but she tries to make it

> different than the way my daughter wants it. It is interesting

> listening to this exchange, as I do the same things. It definitely

> makes my daughter mad and frustrated, but I think that it helps to

> prevent the OCD from growing. That ugly OCD!!!!!!! Ellen

[Guest guest]

Hello -

My 5 year old cutie pie and I have been hitting heads so much now that

we're both (metaphorically) bruised. In many ways she's doing great

(spelling her name, identifying colors, counting to 30, etc) and can

be quite pleasant/fun. The behavioralist thinks that a lot of her

behavioral problems has to do with power struggles. I'm hoping that

some of you have successfully handled some of these behaviors and can

advice me what worked for you:

1. Poop-training. She was practically trained about 1 1/2 years ago

but then stopped pooping on the toilet. She'll have to go, I'll put

her on the toilet and she'll hold it for the 10-15 min she's on the

toilet just to let loose 5 minutes after we get a pull up on her. She

can pee just fine.

2. Yelling at meals. When we all sit down to meals, she'll start

yelling, " No talking " " Too loud " " GO AWAY! " or just scream and cover

her ears. She doesn't seem sensitive to sound in any other venue.

3. Just frequent and loud non=compliance. We go for a walk - she

just wants to sit and won't budge. She can randomly hit her sister.

She fights getting dressed for school and frequently won't eat

breakfast because she's not getting her way.

Sigh. I love her to pieces but I'm having a hard time liking being

around her when it's just struggle after struggle and frequent

yelling. Advice?

Tabatha

Mom to Sevilla (3) and Anika (5 DS)

[Guest guest]

Going on my situation, which I may add took me a very long time to figure

out. I would be questioning whether your daughter is happy at school and/or

she is copying someone else.

Different age group, different country but still a person with DS who

frequently cannot express how they are feeling.

To give you some background history of where I am coming from - for the

past two years Trent has been imo a nightmare during school term, wouldn't

eat breakfast, wouldn't get ready until the very last minute, employing

every delaying tactic you can think of. Would wear the same clothes day in

day out, regardless of whether they were dirty or not - if he was told to

change them he would ignore. Every morning was me screaming at him to get

ready, he would spend ages upon ages in the toilet, go from one to the

other. Refused to go to bed of a night time (still does but will go shortly

after the last person), wouldn't eat meals with the family, the minute we

sat down he would walk out of the house. On occasions had slammed doors,

especially the car door, if told to go back and do something like shut the

front door. Refused to be shaved and when he would let you, he would move

his head around so it was near impossible. His bedroom was a mess all the

time, everything was thrown on the floor - he would even go into his

sister's room and put everything on the floor. Mimicking of others was just

so over the top. Losing things, phone, wallet, ipod - in the past he knew

exactly where any of his belongs were at any given time.

We really felt that there was someone or something that was upsetting him at

his program, Staff, thought I was basically just blaming others. After the

trip to New Zealand, his behaviour was worse - term break I checked out the

other options and transferred him straight away. That was now some 5 weeks

back - we have a different Trent - our Trent. He is up early of a morning,

happily eats breakfast, no long toilet episodes, doesn't care if the

television is on or not. He is ready most mornings well before we have to

leave. These days I am home before I would have normally been dropping him

off. Considering we live 50k's from Geelong that is something and no I am

not speeding! J Talks to us more, smiles all the time, happily listens to

us and will do as we suggest ie. change clothes. Eats meals with us. Last

weekend he played 6 rounds of UNO concentrating the whole time - the last

time we played we didn't finish the first round as he was just being stupid

and pretending he didn't understand. We still have mimicking problems, but

certainly not as bad as before and not of any of the new people he is mixing

with.

With the above in mind, I would seriously be looking at her day and how

happy she is - could solve some of your problems.

Keep smiling

Jan, mother of Trent 24yo w/DS from the LandDownUnder

From: [mailto: ] On Behalf

Of only9minutes

Sent: Thursday, 13 November 2008 6:10 PM

Subject: Power struggles

Hello -

My 5 year old cutie pie and I have been hitting heads so much now that

we're both (metaphorically) bruised. In many ways she's doing great

(spelling her name, identifying colors, counting to 30, etc) and can

be quite pleasant/fun. The behavioralist thinks that a lot of her

behavioral problems has to do with power struggles. I'm hoping that

some of you have successfully handled some of these behaviors and can

advice me what worked for you:

1. Poop-training. She was practically trained about 1 1/2 years ago

but then stopped pooping on the toilet. She'll have to go, I'll put

her on the toilet and she'll hold it for the 10-15 min she's on the

toilet just to let loose 5 minutes after we get a pull up on her. She

can pee just fine.

2. Yelling at meals. When we all sit down to meals, she'll start

yelling, " No talking " " Too loud " " GO AWAY! " or just scream and cover

her ears. She doesn't seem sensitive to sound in any other venue.

3. Just frequent and loud non=compliance. We go for a walk - she

just wants to sit and won't budge. She can randomly hit her sister.

She fights getting dressed for school and frequently won't eat

breakfast because she's not getting her way.

Sigh. I love her to pieces but I'm having a hard time liking being

around her when it's just struggle after struggle and frequent

yelling. Advice?

Tabatha

Mom to Sevilla (3) and Anika (5 DS)

[Guest guest]

For toileting, I would implement a positive reward system and ignore all the

negative. You are probably doing this already but... toileting is one of the

few areas that children (all children) can exercise total control so.... perhaps

she's feeling a lack of control in all areas.

Parenting with Love and Logic. A wonderful program...I would read the book and

then also the one for Toddlers (birth through 6).

Give her choices in many areas so she feels that she has control. " Do you want

to use the red cup or the pink cup? " " Do you want Mommy to tuck you in or

Daddy? "

" Do you want to hold my right hand or my left hand? "

Try giving her simple areas like that that she can feel that she's got control

or choices about things. Only give her 2 choices and make sure that both

choices will make you happy.

If she yells at the table, " Oh, we only use our Big girl voice at the table.

You are done eating now. "

It will only take a few times for her to be excused from the table before she

catches on.

REALLY, see if you can find a Love and Logic class near you.

Saves a lot of the battles and yelling.

Hope this helps.

[Guest guest]

We have a program like that in the county that I live in and we are almost done

with the workshop and one of the things to introduce is positive reinforcements.

Not to look at the negative but to try to avoid it in the first place, like

before dinner tell her to use her big girl voice if it is too loud, let her pick

out her spot to sit at the table, what plate she wants to us, what cup she

wants, let her think that she is in control but in fact you are, because you are

giving her the choices that you want. Reward her if she does use her big girl

voice and not screaming, it could be as simple as an extra hug or a high five

when she does it. For his biggest motivator is hugs, high fives and ice

cream, and we have it set out that if he is a good boy all day long he gets ice

cream after supper. The tips and techniques work wonders, I was so hesitant at

first because is a complex kid (behaviorally wise), and wonders have amazed

me and he was sharing this week with his sisters and he hasn't hit me at all

this week!! If you want more ideas and techniques let me know and I can email

you, it would be like teaching you this $600 workshop - worth every penny!!

mom to 9yrs old (DS, Bipolar, anxiety, severe ADHD, aggressive behaviors,

complicated behaviors, autistic like tendencies, asthma and allergies)

Abbey and a 3yrs old (my " normal " identical twins)

Re: Power struggles

For toileting, I would implement a positive reward system and ignore all the

negative. You are probably doing this already but... toileting is one of the few

areas that children (all children) can exercise total control so.... perhaps

she's feeling a lack of control in all areas.

Parenting with Love and Logic. A wonderful program...I would read the book and

then also the one for Toddlers (birth through 6).

Give her choices in many areas so she feels that she has control. " Do you want

to use the red cup or the pink cup? " " Do you want Mommy to tuck you in or

Daddy? "

" Do you want to hold my right hand or my left hand? "

Try giving her simple areas like that that she can feel that she's got control

or choices about things. Only give her 2 choices and make sure that both choices

will make you happy.

If she yells at the table, " Oh, we only use our Big girl voice at the table.

You are done eating now. "

It will only take a few times for her to be excused from the table before she

catches on.

REALLY, see if you can find a Love and Logic class near you.

Saves a lot of the battles and yelling.

Hope this helps.