CZ

March 7, 2002

Hi Helen.

> Hi CZ, I am worried about you... Did you do alright in your tests??? When

> will you get the results back ???

I am not very well at the moment. I could not handle doing those tests which

I know probably seems pathetic considering the kind of experiences a lot of

people on this list have been through. I have been put back on fluvoxamine

at 50mg once a day and I am seeing my GP again on Saturday. He thinks that

maybe I should try something like Zyprexa or similar. I withdrew from one of

my units today with permission on medical grounds from the chair of computer

science and I organised with the equity staff to be allowed to miss all the

lectures for the other two units until further notice. I receive tapes and

the lecture slides are available online so I will not miss out on

information. I was told to email the lecturers to let them know that my

absence from my usual front row seat is due to medical reasons and not due

to bad attitude or laziness.

If things continue this way, I will be enrolling as an external student in

as much as possible for next semester and next year. I can not handle

travelling so far to spend all day on campus where there is no quiet place

away from people (the only quiet place is the library and that has bright

lighting and lots of people even if they are being fairly quiet). I am not

getting much study done because of the time I spend going to lectures and

trying to stay sane on campus all day between lectures. It is not working.

As to the blood tests and those yucky poo tests, I am in no state mentally

to do them at the moment. I spent today at uni trying not to cry and/or

scream or get angry and I had to go into the sick room to get away from all

the stimuli there. My GP said when I " calm down a bit " then we can do the

tests but at the moment he wants me to work out medication and get settled

into a routine with my studies and home life. He thinks I will feel better

once those things are done. I am not convinced about drugs like Zyprexa or

Seroquel. I read a little about them online and I do not like the look of

it. I have been given other similar things years ago to control my behaviour

but the new ones are supposed to not be as nasty. I still do not like the

idea of it and I think that I might find study harder on something like

that, but I will comply with my GP if he writes me a prescription because he

is a doctor and I am sure he would not try to harm me. He told me to take

diazepam when I feel like it while I am stressed and finding uni and home

life difficult but I try not to take it too much because I know it is

addictive. I will tell you if anything changes but I am not very " with it "

lately and I am not sure what will be happening. I sort of can understand

that my doctor wants my mind to be well and less anxious and stressed and

overloaded before assessing physical problems because he said that stress

can make them worse anyway and it is better to wait before having tests

since the tests freaked me out badly when I was going to have them.

I meant to ask you before because I have not been keeping up very well with

list mail at the moment and missed it if you said anything but how is it

going with the girls and are they coming back to live with you soon? I think

it would be difficult to be in your situation with them being taken away

although I am not a mother/grandmother and I cannot imagine what it is like.

CZ

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March 7, 2002

Thanks CZ, I agree with you that mean people should not ever have any children...But now a days it seems like the poor children have to suffer at the hands of abusive parents, because they are family...Always keep the family together, no matter what ( That is so unfair when in this case, he never raised his own children and now he is mentally abusive to them constantly and he is considered the best to raise them, just because he is daddy ( That just breaks my heart...

Take care of you dear Friend and stay as well as you can...

((( Many Special Hugs )))

Helen

"Encourage one another. Many times a word of praise or thanks or appreciation or cheer has kept people on their feet."

- Swindoll

Helen.

I hope you succeed in getting the girls back or at least getting regular

visits with them after the court stuff is over. It is very unfair how that

sort of thing can happen. I agree that if he loved them like he says he

would not treat them that way or prevent them from seeing you or being with

you since they lived with you all along. I think mean people should not be

allowed to have kids (at least ideally anyway).

CZ

March 9, 2002

Hi Jessi.

" School is so hard sometimes isn't it (. I'm having trouble with mine too.

I'm unable to attend school so twice a week a teacher has been coming over,

well with doctors appointment and getting sick I'm even more behind on my

studies now and my doctors and the school are saying that I should just

leave the HS and work with my doctors for the rest of the school year and

summer, then next school year enroll at the comm. college here in town and

finish through them and transfer over to a 4 year in a couple years. I don't

like the idea of it though I really enjoy school this way just doesn't seem

'right'! How did you handle high school?? Were you able to attend it? "

I was homeschooled for some of high school and I got good grades then. In

mainstream schooling, I failed to graduate from lower secondary. I got into

university by attending a four week course for people with disabilities or

other reasons why their schooling was disrupted (such as they can be

refugees or moved schools a lot of times). After passing that course, I

received an offer into bachelor of science in computer science and on

enrolment day I decided to take a double major in computer science and

internet computing, since that would require me to take no more units but I

would just have to select my comp sci electives from the internet computing

required units (which I might have done anyway because they interest me). I

am doing uni part time, now only two units this semester since I withdrew on

medical grounds from one of the three I had been doing. It will probably

take me a long time to get my degree if I make it that far but at least I am

doing it at all. Nobody expected that I would be living independantly and

attending university.

You are right that school is hard, especially if you have illnesses or

disabilities. My problem in high school was due to autism. I could not

relate with the other kids at all and my sensory problems made it impossible

to learn in a classroom. Aside from that, the syllabus presented was

directed at kids without learning disabilities or pervasive developmental

disorders and I just could not learn that way. I did very well on homeschool

when I basically taught myself from the course books and phoned my teachers

if there was a problem or something needed explaining. I was a motivated

child and enjoyed learning so there was no problem with me submitting work

on time. I submitted most of it as soon as I had done it, and I did my work

when I received it, so I ended up working quite far ahead of schedule. I am

having the same old problems with university and how the classes are

presented and the sensory overload from being on campus unable to get some

quiet and dark space to myself.

My doctor put me on quetiapine yesterday in an attempt to control the

sensory problems and help me to focus in class. I will have to wait and see

if it helps or not. It made me quite drowsy after the first tablet yesterday

but I woke up early today and can think well enough to use email and IRC, so

I guess I am fine this morning in terms of the new drug.

Short answer to what you asked is that I did not handle high school and

failed in several attempts to graduate from it.

I hope your health improves so that you can complete school successfully.

You seem like a bright kid and certainly a strong and courageous one.

CZ

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May 9, 2002

Hi Helen.

> Thanks CZ... you explained that so even I could understand it ) Has

your

> tummy been giving you any problems lately ??? I hope not...

Yesterday it was bad but not today. Most of the time since I have been on

the Depo Provera needles my tummy has not been too bad. My Seroquel is

reduced again today after it was increased I could not think well enough to

write my next assignment. I am now on 25mg in the morning (because that is

when I need to think for uni) and 100mg at night. I will probably also end

up seeing a psychologist at uni for Cognitive Behaviour Therapy to help with

some of the " OCD " (even if the doctors who say it is part of autism are

correct) and maybe then I would not need to take the Seroquel as well as

Luvox. I like Seroquel and think it is a good medicine but after my doctor

increased it last time it made me find it harder to think. I might have

gotten accustomed to that after a few weeks but I do not have that much time

until my assignment is due.

Did anything more happen with the kids? Sorry if you have posted about it

and I missed the post because I have not been able to read many lately.

Take care,

CZ

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May 9, 2002

CZ <creepyzucchini@...> wrote: