Guest guest Posted January 22, 2008 Report Share Posted January 22, 2008 I was going to join Silver Sneakers but I’m having second thoughts after reading this…. A Woman's Week At The Gym If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine. Dear Diary,! For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress. MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!! TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me. WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the Hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too. THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank. FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damned barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director? SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel. SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!! Jeanine's Hummingbird Soap Works No virus found in this outgoing message. Checked by AVG Free Edition. Version: 7.5.516 / Virus Database: 269.19.8/1236 - Release Date: 1/21/2008 8:23 PM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 22, 2008 Report Share Posted January 22, 2008 Boy, I've been there before and don't plan on going there again!!! (hehe) M LOL, who wouldn't? I just started back at the Y last week after a too-long hiatus. Boy, am I out of shape! Beth _www.soapandgarden.com_ (http://www.soapandg <http://www.soapandgarden.com/> arden.com/) www.saponifier.com Visit <;_ylc=X3oDMTJldGJwMXBmBF9TAz k3MzU5NzE0BGdycElkAzIyMjY2NDEEZ3Jwc3BJZAMxNzA1MTYyNDA0BHNlYwN2dGwEc2xrA3 ZnaHAEc3RpbWUDMTIwMTAyNDE5MA--> Your Group Health Asthma <http://us.ard./SIG=12mls39d5/M=493064.12016303.12445695.970657 1/D=grphealth/S=1705162404:NC/Y=/EXP=1201031390/A=5191949/R=0/SIG=1 2teb63n5/*http://health./asthma-overview/identifying-asthma-tri ggers/healthwise--aa6768.html> Triggers How you can identify them. Ads on Learn <http://us.ard./SIG=12mnbpqd1/M=493064.12016308.12445700.867457 8/D=grphealth/S=1705162404:NC/Y=/EXP=1201031390/A=3848643/R=0/SIG=1 31q47hek/*http://searchmarketing./arp/srchv2.php?o=US2005 & cmp=Y ahoo & ctv=Groups4 & s=Y & s2= & s3= & b=50> more now. Reach customers searching for you. Biz Resources Y! <http://us.ard./SIG=12mdgn8ff/M=493064.12016255.12445662.867457 8/D=grphealth/S=1705162404:NC/Y=/EXP=1201031390/A=4025321/R=0/SIG=1 2a352npd/*http://us.rd./evt=44092/*http://smallbusiness..c om/r-index> Small Business Articles, tools, forms, and more. .. <http://geo./serv?s=97359714/grpId=2226641/grpspId=1705162404/m sgId=33518/stime=1201024190/nc1=5191949/nc2=3848643/nc3=4025321> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 22, 2008 Report Share Posted January 22, 2008 LOLOL, didn't like your experience, eh? Beth _www.soapandgarden.com_ (http://www.soapandgarden.com/) www.saponifier.com In a message dated 1/22/2008 3:41:25 P.M. Eastern Standard Time, jmurray2@... writes: Boy, I've been there before and don't plan on going there again!!! **************Start the year off right. Easy ways to stay in shape. http://body.aol.com/fitness/winter-exercise?NCID=aolcmp00300000002489 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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