Re: school/not school is that the question

April 29, 1999

Hi Theresa, June and list,

Theresa wrote:

> June I really sympathize with you. My daughter and I just had

> another round of her trying to get out of going to school this

> morning. She finally made it at 10:00.I had a guidance counselor

> waiting to talk to her .Right now,my will to make her obey seems to be

> stronger than hers to stay at home. I called the school psychologist

> and we are going to try this,because I'm exhausted and have had a

> headache all day. The school is going to designate someone to come to

> our house and take her to school on the mornings she decides she is

> not going. I think this will work with my daughter because she knows I

> will call the school. I don't know if this will help you or not, but

> it's worth a try. Theresa

School avoidance was a big problem for many, many years for our daughter

which severely affected her and the rest of our family. Before we had

any idea what our daughter Tori had, we felt her school avoidance was

triggered by anxieties. If her morning routine went wrong or if there

were issues of stress for her at school (social and self - image,

academics) getting to school was difficult. Once she entered the

building everything " seemed " fine. But in reality she suffered every

minute. She was determined to not feel humiliated if her peers found

out, in her words, that she was a " FREAK " . In the junior grades she

would start off the school year fine but three-quarters through she was

stressed out. By grade six Tori could barely handle the stresses after

the first quarter. Teachers started to see she was constantly 'day

dreaming', as Tori would put it " it's more like a foggy trance " . To feel

safe she would draw her little ladies in pretty dresses hundreds of

times over, filling the margins of her workbooks. At this time Tori was

starting to get caught up in a power struggle with us. We started to use

the school attendance councilor. This worked for a little while. Then

this councilor would come to our home in a van with her two very large

German Shepherds. Tori is very afraid of dogs so I put a stop to that.

We started seeing a " trained specialist " who dealt with OCD in children

and adolescence. Her advice to us was to get Tori to school, " even if

you have to role her up in a rug and drag her in " . We continued the

battle. We never went as far as using a rug! We tried to follow the

doctor's guidance even though in the back of my mind I kept thinking;

why would anyone throw someone afraid of snakes into a pit filled with

them without first dealing with the problem of fear in a safe and caring

way?!!! I should have listened to that voice :-( The anger and rage

built up to explosive levels and of course at this same time her

contamination fears developed to a debilitating level. My wife and I

lived through a time of great pain. Having our daughter wake us in the

middle of the night begging us to kill her. We would pray that the next

morning wouldn't be so bad. Hoping she was getting ready for school,

only to find her in her room holding a butcher knife to her chest. A

terrible time. We tried to set up something with the school but they

were less then cooperative. Tori did not go back to grade 7 after the

end of Jan. Tori was now taking Luvox which later had to be stopped

because of tremors and it's effect on her vision. After the summer break

many things calmed down. Tori felt she wanted to go back for grade 8.

That first half day at school sent her into a tailspin. Her OCD and

anxieties were back at full throttle. It took almost three months to see

her calm down all because of a few hours of school. She carried rage in

her for a long time. Tori also fell into her first real bout with

depression. We feel this all happened because she had lost trust in

everyone around her. Even trust in herself. We gave up on that doctor,

or maybe she gave up on Tori. Her new doctor is very caring and has

along with us spent time to build her trust back. She gets home

instruction now but Tori talks about going to school next year. Although

Tori is much more stable she is still locked in her OCD. She has also

been recently dx with AS which helps explain some of her social

difficulties. Her doctor does not feel she is ready yet to go back to

school.

I hope I've not gone on too long. But I felt I needed to share our

experience so others can evaluate against it to see where their own

situation may be. School issues or not. I believe OCD children and their

caregiver(s) can lose site of the real issues within OCD. I have

wondered many times what truly generates the label of ODD put upon an

OCD child? In fear don't we all sometimes fight back? Within all we go

through with our special kids I feel it can make us look at even bigger

questions. Are we as a society doing the best we can for all children?

Society enforces it's doctrine of 'normalness' on us all, is there room

for change? Will it change? Questions too big for us just trying to get

by ...

Take care,

in Canada

April 29, 1999

Hi ,

I've been thinking about the same issue. The majority of the society defines

" nomalness " and of course, it can not cover everybody. The current school

system is a very traditional one and is of course defined by the " nomal " people

and fits the normal people. No wonder it does not fit our special kids. I

sometimes wonder if I'm asking a 16 year old, to cut his feet to fit in

the wrong shoes. I know the reason why I'm doing this. I do not know the

alternatives. If does not go to school, what should he do? Homeschooling

of course could be a way. But, is not a person with good self discipiine.

Therefore, it' not a good choice for us. What I meant is that I still expect him

to go through college to complete the education. I know lots of people still

achieve something greatly without going through colleges. Mabye I should not

make to go through the same route as the majority do to get in and

complete the college. But, if he does not go through colleges, how can I help

or guide him.

To respond to your question about " room for change " , I believe there is " room

to be different " , if you are willing to be different. My problem have been that

I want to follow the majority's step. In another words, I want hime to be

normal as the rest, do the same thing as the rest, although he can not.

Actually, that is where the pains and strugglings are from. Both and I

want him to be " normal " . If we both give up on this criteria, we both would be

much happier. Maybe that will ease the tension for OCD and cure it!

How is Tori's grade in school? I think may fail at least one subject

this year, I worry about how he could get into the next grade without passing

all subjects. How is Tori evaluated when she stayed home for instuctions. Does

she have to take some tests in order to get into the next grade? With failing

course(s), I believe you may not be able to even graduate from the high school.

After joining this mailing list, I found that avoiding school appears to be a

common problem t o the OCDers. This actually makes me feel better and changed my

altitude towards this issue.

Take care.

TC

Hansen <hansenj@...> on 04/29/99 02:59:33 PM

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Subject: Re: school/not school is that the question

From: Hansen <hansenj@...>