Re: Habituating to anxiety

[Guest guest]

>From: Louis Harkins <louisharkins_4@...>

>

>Hi Louis,

Yes, the idea of habituating to anxiety is an interesting one. I myself had

a six-month period of panic attacks when my first child (Kelsey) was born 7

years ago. I made some changes in how I handled my anxiety and lifestyle

changes too (quitting FT work because I was too overwhelmed with a child

and wanted to be with her more) and they stopped.

Kelsey's OCD has been quite a test of my anxious nature as I definitely

have felt the anxiety increase since her OCD onset. In fact, until

recently, I'd feel a surge of anxiety when I first woke up each morning

which was probably associated to wondering how the day would go with her. I

think my husband was watching to see if I'd fall apart, too while I was

tyring to hold us all together. I'm pleased to say that I think I did sort

of " habituate " to the anxiety and haven't had any panic attacks. The result

is that I feel more comfortable with my own waxing and waning of anxiety

and not so frightened that it will spin out of control as it once did.

I notice that I tend to parent somewhat anxiously though and really want to

work on this because my son too has anxious tendencies. It's the old nature

vs. nurture question. Do they get a double whammy with a genetic

predisposition and then being parented by people who are this way? I wonder

if my kids would exhibit the tendencies they do if they'd been given at

birth by more relaxed surrogate parents. So, I'm wondering would any of you

with anxious kids describe yourselves as relaxed (normally)?

in S.D.

[Guest guest]

> From: Roman <ChrisRoman@...>

> I notice that I tend to parent somewhat anxiously though and really want

to

> work on this because my son too has anxious tendencies. It's the old

nature

> vs. nurture question. Do they get a double whammy with a genetic

> predisposition and then being parented by people who are this way? I

wonder

> if my kids would exhibit the tendencies they do if they'd been given at

> birth by more relaxed surrogate parents. So, I'm wondering would any of

you

> with anxious kids describe yourselves as relaxed (normally)?

Hi and list, you raise an interesting question. I am a relaxed sort

of person, not too much of a worrier, though Kellen's sudden onset of ocd

has caused me much anxiety and worry. It really does take something of that

magnitude to get me wound up. Some of this is temperament and some is age,

I'm more relaxed generally than I was in my teens and twenties.

My husband is " sort of " an anxious person, we've been married over 16 years

and by now I know the sorts of things that get him worked up: airports, the

prospect of missing a flight, time pressure, things of this nature.

Otherwise he is pretty calm and takes things as they come. He comes from a

large family of very low-key people.

Strangely, until ocd onset, I would have said Kellen was not an anxious

person. No problems with separation, very outgoing and social, very

self-confident, not shy, not a worrier, not clingy, slept well, no tummy

aches or headaches, etc. Sometimes I still have a hard time with the idea

that my daughter has an *anxiety* disorder--it just doesn't square with the

way she was until a few months ago.

So. In our case I can't find much on the nature *or* nurture side to

explain my daughter's disorder. But since she has it, I'm glad I tend to be

more relaxed, I think we make a good team. :-)

Kathy R. in Indiana

[Guest guest]

HI Chris:

Well I wouldn't describe myself as relaxed anymore. I do think I used to

be pretty easy going, sometimes just felt very tired with a demanding job

and two little kids.

All kidding aside I would not have called myself anxious, a bit

overprotective perhaps. Aloha, Kathy

At 04:47 PM 6/13/99 -0700, you wrote:

>From: Roman <ChrisRoman@...>

>

>>From: Louis Harkins <louisharkins_4@...>

>>

>>Hi Louis,

>

>Yes, the idea of habituating to anxiety is an interesting one. I myself had

>a six-month period of panic attacks when my first child (Kelsey) was born 7

>years ago. I made some changes in how I handled my anxiety and lifestyle

>changes too (quitting FT work because I was too overwhelmed with a child

>and wanted to be with her more) and they stopped.

>

>Kelsey's OCD has been quite a test of my anxious nature as I definitely

>have felt the anxiety increase since her OCD onset. In fact, until

>recently, I'd feel a surge of anxiety when I first woke up each morning

>which was probably associated to wondering how the day would go with her. I

>think my husband was watching to see if I'd fall apart, too while I was

>tyring to hold us all together. I'm pleased to say that I think I did sort

>of " habituate " to the anxiety and haven't had any panic attacks. The result

>is that I feel more comfortable with my own waxing and waning of anxiety

>and not so frightened that it will spin out of control as it once did.

>

>I notice that I tend to parent somewhat anxiously though and really want to

>work on this because my son too has anxious tendencies. It's the old nature

>vs. nurture question. Do they get a double whammy with a genetic

>predisposition and then being parented by people who are this way? I wonder

>if my kids would exhibit the tendencies they do if they'd been given at

>birth by more relaxed surrogate parents. So, I'm wondering would any of you

>with anxious kids describe yourselves as relaxed (normally)?

>

>in S.D.

>

[Guest guest]

I too find this an interesting topic. I am very relaxed with

my children and have always been. In fact I was a nanny for triplets, all

with health concerns, for 6 years. My babies were a piece of cake.

I have however, been systematically blamed for each and every

one of my son's OCD symptoms by a 'Christian' " friend " . Everything from my

husband's potty training stresses to moving too much. This is absurd and

very hurtful. I don't believe his OCD is a result of parenting. I am sure

it plays a role, but my son's OCD is chemical.

He is my joy and my gift as are his brother and sister.

noelle, a very " chilled " mom

noelle136@...

[Guest guest]

Hi and all,

Just wanted to add my two cents to the thread about anxious parenting. I am

anxious, overprotective and a worrier, which is precisely why it has been

implied more than once that I am somehow to blame for andra's OCD. But you

know, andra just came this way. From birth she was clingy, alert, not

quick to laugh, fussy, intelligent and demanding. The words " high need, "

apply. (By the way, my husband is very relaxed, and an extreme optimist to

boot.)

I am learning to relax because if I didn't I would burst, or self-destruct.

I'm learning that even with OCD my daughter is not as fragile as I thought.

She's a tough cookie and I'm learning to just let her be.

Take care,

Lesli (S.F. Bay)

Roman wrote:

> From: Roman <ChrisRoman@...>

>

> >From: Louis Harkins <louisharkins_4@...>

> >

> >Hi Louis,

>

> Yes, the idea of habituating to anxiety is an interesting one. I myself had

> a six-month period of panic attacks when my first child (Kelsey) was born 7

> years ago. I made some changes in how I handled my anxiety and lifestyle

> changes too (quitting FT work because I was too overwhelmed with a child

> and wanted to be with her more) and they stopped.

>

> Kelsey's OCD has been quite a test of my anxious nature as I definitely

> have felt the anxiety increase since her OCD onset. In fact, until

> recently, I'd feel a surge of anxiety when I first woke up each morning

> which was probably associated to wondering how the day would go with her. I

> think my husband was watching to see if I'd fall apart, too while I was

> tyring to hold us all together. I'm pleased to say that I think I did sort

> of " habituate " to the anxiety and haven't had any panic attacks. The result

> is that I feel more comfortable with my own waxing and waning of anxiety

> and not so frightened that it will spin out of control as it once did.

>

> I notice that I tend to parent somewhat anxiously though and really want to

> work on this because my son too has anxious tendencies. It's the old nature

> vs. nurture question. Do they get a double whammy with a genetic

> predisposition and then being parented by people who are this way? I wonder

> if my kids would exhibit the tendencies they do if they'd been given at

> birth by more relaxed surrogate parents. So, I'm wondering would any of you

> with anxious kids describe yourselves as relaxed (normally)?

>

> in S.D.

>

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[Guest guest]

I did not mean to sound so angry in my last post. I do know

that no one here is blaming me for my son's OCD. It has been a really rough

time in our house and I think I was more aiming to vent, not defend myself.

Sorry This is one of the few places that everyone understands, my safe

haven. Your advice, all of you, is so valuable even if I seldom post myself.

Thank you all.

noelle

noelle136@...

[Guest guest]

Hi all,

Just want to be clear that my query about anxious parenting was in no way

intended to " blame " parents for OCD! Hopefully, we'd all agree that this is

biochemically based and appears to have some trigger. My question was more

about kids with anxious natures. How much do they come this way vs " become "

this way?

Perhaps kids who didn't seem to have anxious natures before OCD, really

don't. Perhaps their anxiety is a " normal " response anyone would feel when

feeling out of control with obsessive thoughts and compulsions.

BTW, Lesli, the words you use to describe andra from birth also

describe Kelsey to a tee... clingy, alert, not

quick to laugh, fussy, intelligent and demanding. High need. My husband is

also very relaxed. As a result, I seem to do more " interventionist " type

parenting than he does so my style probably rubs off more on them.

Thanks to all who replied!

in San Diego

[Guest guest]

Hi Noelle:

No need to apologize for what you wrote. I could really relate to what you

said. Many of us have had so much criticism about our parenting and coping

skills and we share your anger.

When I first read this thread it brought up a lot of upset. I have been

going to therapy to get over my anger and luckily it has been working. The

professionals we work with now are aware of this anger and thankfully tread

gently around me and the family. I have been told that I caused my son's

OCD by several psychiatrists. Luckily knowledgeable OCD docs have reassured

me this is not the case. I am still learning to accept that the people

(professionals) I approached for help during the worst difficulties of my

life chose to criticize and demoralize me rather than support me. Certainly

this was not therapeutic for my son and his OCD.

Please feel free to vent here, this is a safe, supportive place. As Dr.

Koplewicz wrote " It's Nobody's Fault " . Hoping that things in your house

get more mangeable soon. Take care, aloha, Kathy (Ha)

kathyh@...

>From: Noelle136@...

>

> I did not mean to sound so angry in my last post. I do know

>that no one here is blaming me for my son's OCD. It has been a really rough

>time in our house and I think I was more aiming to vent, not defend myself.

>Sorry This is one of the few places that everyone understands, my safe

>haven. Your advice, all of you, is so valuable even if I seldom post myself.

> Thank you all.

>noelle

>noelle136@...

[Guest guest]

Hi All, I guess I was lucky, no professional we consulted about our

daughter's ocd suggested parenting had anything to do with it, and it never

occured to us on our own. We were asked about anxiety orders in the family,

addictions, etc. and her current psychiatrist was interested in knowing the

family history of autoimmune disorders, especially involving strep. One

social worker did ask several questions about toilet training which seemed

odd but I guess I dismissed her in my own mind as dated. I had no idea in

this day and age anyone in the psychiatric profession was still thinking

parenting could cause a child's ocd, and the responses on this thread were

an eye-opener to me. No wonder so many were upset by it.

Kathy R. in Indiana

Re: Habituating to anxiety

> From: kathyh@... (Kathy Hammes)

>

> Hi Noelle:

>

> No need to apologize for what you wrote. I could really relate to what

you

> said. Many of us have had so much criticism about our parenting and

coping

> skills and we share your anger.

>

> When I first read this thread it brought up a lot of upset. I have been

> going to therapy to get over my anger and luckily it has been working.

The

> professionals we work with now are aware of this anger and thankfully

tread

> gently around me and the family. I have been told that I caused my son's

> OCD by several psychiatrists. Luckily knowledgeable OCD docs have

reassured

> me this is not the case. I am still learning to accept that the people

> (professionals) I approached for help during the worst difficulties of my

> life chose to criticize and demoralize me rather than support me.

Certainly

> this was not therapeutic for my son and his OCD.

>

> Please feel free to vent here, this is a safe, supportive place. As Dr.

> Koplewicz wrote " It's Nobody's Fault " . Hoping that things in your house

> get more mangeable soon. Take care, aloha, Kathy (Ha)

> kathyh@...

>

> >From: Noelle136@...

> >

> > I did not mean to sound so angry in my last post. I do

know

> >that no one here is blaming me for my son's OCD. It has been a really

rough

> >time in our house and I think I was more aiming to vent, not defend

myself.

> >Sorry This is one of the few places that everyone understands, my

safe

> >haven. Your advice, all of you, is so valuable even if I seldom post

myself.

> > Thank you all.

> >noelle

> >noelle136@...

>

>

>

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>

[Guest guest]

Noelle,

Just wanted to let you know that I totally agree with you about being fed up

with people (especially so-called friends) who want to blame the parent for

ocd!!!!! I know for a fact that my daughter's symptoms couldn't possibly be

from the way she has been raised!! I grew up with 2 brothers & 2 sisters

and none of us have the problems that my daughter has. My mother is the one

who convinced me to seek help for my daughter because she said, " this is not

normal childhood behavior " . I know that parents do have " some " influence on

the way their child is going to " behave " . But being one of five children

raised by the same mother & father, none of us turned out just like the

other!! Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

Wanda